This is a Time

So, more than I can even begin to describe has happened within the last few weeks. Big things. Best Friend, I want to tell you these things in person, which is why I haven't said anything to you yet.

But it all came to a climax last night, and today, I'm dealing with the aftermath. So many things have changed, even within the last 24 hours. And I'm still kind of in shock over it all.

But what it comes down to is this: It's time to start taking responsibility for me again.

I think I've become incredibly complacent, allowing myself to believe that who I am is fine and it's fine to stay this way.

It's not.

And I may only be writing this right now because someone opened my eyes to this, but I want to get it all down to remember the promise that I'm making myself in this moment.

It's time to stop giving excuses.

I have control over what I say or what I do. I have the power to not make bad decisions. I have the power to declare that I deserve better or that I can be better. I am tired of settling with good enough, both in myself and in others.

Time to find some courage.

Why I Love John Green (and his books)

I've been thinking a lot lately about heartbreak and this crazy concept that maybe we don't get over things as easily as we think we do. And along with that I've been watching a lot of Vlogbrothers videos and the amazing books written by John Green. I was given An Abundance of Katherines at a time of great (melodramatic) heartbreak and it changed my world. I've since recommended his books to almost everyone I know and everytime I come across someone who's read his books I get a little bit too excited to discuss him.

I love his writing because I think, at its heart, it is truly honest. I love reading The Fault in Our Stars and knowing that I will never be Hazel Grace or Augustus Waters, but I will experience dozens of little infinities. I love the idea of creating an infinity with someone and I love (begrudgingly) that it is okay for that infinity to end. I love reading Looking for Alaska and knowing that my actions matter, just as Pudge's do. I don't have an Alaska, but I do have people that I wanted to be with so desperately, only to have the circumstances keep me from them. And I love An Abundance of Katherines with a unique fondness reserved for a book that allows me to indulge myself in the melodrama of wallowing over a breakup.

I re-read his works because of the lines that stick out with me, the lines that change my life forever. I read a quote from The Fault in Our Stars to my darling Oregon Girl last night and there was silence for a brief moment after I finished.

"That was beautiful," she said.

And it is.

I read for the comfort of knowing that I'm not alone, for knowing that other people have struggled and lost and triumphed and that I am not alone. And there is something about all of Green's books that speaks to me on a deeply personal level. It's almost obsessive how much I adore them but what it really gets down to is this: His characters show me the way.

They show me how to enjoy what small infinities I have and how to take personal responsibility for my actions, no matter how benign they seem. And his words come into my head when I am grasping at some way to express my feelings.

This is such a strange time right now, for so many reasons. But I know that when I get home, I'm going to turn on my Kindle and read The Fault in Our Stars. And I will cry and sob from the depths of my chest and I will be comforted in knowing that I am not alone.

I did not write this either

Source

... And that's when I realized that no matter what you think you want your life to be like, you can never know how you'll feel about it for sure until it happens.

You dream of an ideal life and imagine what it would be like, then get discouraged when it doesn't happen. Or maybe it does happen and you get your dream, but it's disappointing because it's nothing like you thought it would be.

Then there are the peak moments. The ones that surprise you. The times when you get extremely lucky and your reality turns out to be much better than any fantasy life you've ever dreamed of. The times when you realize that you'd rather have brunch in your yoga pants with the person sitting across the table from you than nibble on a cold danish in front of a jewelry store as the sun comes up and you're wearing a fancy dress from the empty night before. That's the kind of magic that's better than anything you'll ever see on the silver screen.

Two more weeks two weeks only there is not enough time time time what does time even mean and why can't things just be good and forever okay.

I don't know where I want to be honestly. I want to be home. But here is pretty good as well.

What am I going to do next? 

I am so singleminded it scares me sometimes. I lose focus so easily. The worst part is that this is true to people. I pay attention to one person at a time; I do so badly handling interest in more than one person. 

There are no middle speeds with me, I am either 0 mph or 1000. 

No Shame, No Blame

I've never cried in front of you and I've always wondered what that said about you and me. I think it's extremely telling that as much as I claim to love you, to adore you, I've never allowed myself to be that vulnerable with you. 

I have always held back.

I can't decide if I'm proud of myself or not for this. There's a whole part of me that you've never seen.

I am childish, silly, goofy, and oftentimes a complete baby and I don't think you know that about me.

I never showed you. You never seemed that interested.

And I've never cried in front of you... 

Hypothetically Speaking

... I'm not even sure I could do it again
the chances of it ending again being so great and all

And how this second time nearly killed me
Because it broke something inside of me
something snapped split cracked in two

that still isn't fixed.
Like the fact that I eat french fries without appreciating them
and how Frosties are quite possibly my favorite snack ever

but I've only eaten one of them this semester.

Another One of those Dumb Sappy Posts

Sometimes, I have a hard time believing how lucky I am. He is so good, in so many ways. I  have been blessed immeasurably. 

And then there are moments where I'm so glad that she has my back for the always and that we talk too fast and that we never respond directly to each others' texts and I can't wait to laugh about the same things when we are 70 years old. I dare you to tell me that we were not fated to be this way. Go ahead. Because He is in Heaven laughing at us for always. 

And then there are other moments where I'm so proud of myself for lots of things. I did this. I did this, on my own, with His help, and I am so proud. This is hard, but I did it. Me.

And then there are even more moments when I remember that He has a plan and that I have no reason to doubt Him because He has never steered me wrong. I don't know where I'm headed, or what my next move is, but He does. And I trust Him. I have no reason not to. 

And then there are the scary moments, the hard moments, the happy moments, the unbelievable moments. And He is always in them. 

I will never be able to express my gratitude for everything. I am exceptionally lucky. 

Word Vomit

I really should take time to edit these before posting them.

You know what? I've been a pretty bad friend. I know that. A lot of the time I'm self-involved, shallow, and flaky. Sometimes I don't do the right thing.

But I'm going to be honest and tell you that I think you're projecting a lot of your dissatisfaction with your own life onto me. I can't remember the last time you said something kind to me. I honestly can't remember the last time you congratulated me on something that I was doing.

Today, I was thinking about how much harder I'm having to work for good grades here (at an honors college) and your voice popped into my head: "You mean, you're actually having to try for good grades for once?"

I know you haven't said that. But it is something that you definitely, absolutely WOULD say.

And you know what? That's not alright.

I am an okay person. I have achieved a reasonable amount for a person of my age, I work moderately hard, and I try. I am always trying.

I have never once made you feel bad about your failures. All you've seemed to do in the past year is try to make me feel bad about my successes.

So yeah, maybe I dropped the ball last semester and this summer. But maybe, just MAYBE, that was because I found you insufferable.

I feel bad about myself when I am around you. 

And there it is.

I could try and try and try to get us back on track. But you don't seem to want that and honestly? I can't figure out why I do.

I'm Sorry

When the guy who is truly scum of the earth takes the time to text me "Be safe" during a hurricane and YOU don't? You who used to voice my thoughts, you and I who used to get each other through everything?

That is not okay.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I think I'm done.

It's hard sometimes to think about the things I missed in terms of coming here. The things I gave up.

I hope it's worth it. 



I think it is. 

Some of the Nicest, Wisest Words Said to Me in Awhile

"You're not desperate, you're just impatient."

                                                            ~ a very wise friend

Myself Obsessing. Again.

You really don't have to read this Best Friend.

You know what? EVERYONE says I shouldn't freak out about this as much as I do. EVERYONE says it's not a big deal.

It is to me.

Four fucking years.

Do you know who rephrases other people's tweets as their own? Crazy people.

Do you know who writes responses to other people's personal blog posts? Crazy people.

And do you know who looks at everything I post online and tries to copy it however she can without giving me any credit? A crazy person.

And she won't own up to any of it. That is what upsets me the most. SHE WON'T ADMIT WHAT SHE IS DOING. And she keeps doing it.

She can't be me! It literally makes me sick to think how hard she tries to be.

And I KNOW it shouldn't be a *thing,* I KNOW it's just "pins" or tweets or whatever. Hell the pins aren't even really *mine.*

But I'm sorry. I can't just let it go, I can't pretend that it doesn't exist.

Because for four fucking years and for the foreseeable future, there is someone who does not allow me to be myself without trying to take that part of me for her own.

Remember when he hugged me and then rubbed my back with such a heavy hand that everyone knew he didn't want to stop touching me?

Sometimes, on days like this, when I'm feeling sick and gross and sad, I just want to go home. It makes me so jealous to see posts of everyone who is at home.

I just want to drink coffee from MY Starbucks and eat sushi from MY restaurant. 

Sometimes, I get irritated when people I vaguely despise don't like me for unfathomable reasons. Like, it really bothers me that this girl has decided to hate me, even though she's sort of a terrible human being.

I mean, she seriously tried to justify one of her high school teachers asking out a student the minute said student graduated. And a few days ago, she wanted to leave one of our friends behind for lunch because the girl was precisely one minute late. 

Why the fuck do I care what she thinks?

Weirdness.

Part of me is really glad that I'm only here for a semester and part of me is sad that I'm not staying for a year. It's hard to get too attached to things out here because I know it's temporary. Everything I do, every person I meet, and every experience I have is through the perspective of someone who is keenly aware she is leaving in three months.

I almost wish that I was able to put down roots here, to be able to sigh and say "this is my new home" without the addendum "for three months only."

But at the same time, I am almost desperate to get home. My life is back there, whether I like it or not. I miss my family and my friends.

So, as per usual, I am torn between two perspectives.

A Confession

Sometimes, at my lowest moments; late at night, when I'm feeling down, when I need some comfort, I think of texting you.

Hey. 

My hands clutch my phone. My eyes stare at the screen. I am always *this* close.

And I never do write that message. 

I can't.

I just can't make myself do it. 

And it's not because Best Friend would yell at me. And it's not because I'm embarrassed of missing you, of thinking of you. 

It just isn't worth it. 

I wish you were. I'll probably always wish that. 

But it will definitely never be true. You will never be worth it. 

I love knowing those little things that Best Friend does that means she misses me. Thanks for being my best friend, Best Friend. Thanks for putting up with all my crazy.

Trying to remember what you look like and that special smile that was all mine
and coming up empty

but remembering that little scar on your chin that I used to rub absentmindedly while I looked into your eyes
and remembering the feeling of your dimples as I held your face and your smile and you in my hands

To the Four Year Old

Sweetest boy,

You will never know how special you are to me. Thank you for your funny comments, baby snuggles, and lots of fun.

I wish I was with you today. My heart is sad that I can't see you on this day for the first time in your life.

But I think of you, today and every day. You are the family member I never expected to have and the one whom I treasure the most.

I love you, little guy. I hope you don't mind that I'll always call you "baby boy."

Love and dinosaur kisses,
Biggest Sister

I will always be there for you, however I can. 

Me Again.

Didn't expect me so soon, did you? I still have things to say, but they would have ruined the flow of that last piece, so here I am again! Hope you aren't sick of me yet.

Hi! Again again.

Thank you.

I'm here. Mostly on my own. But totally not alone.

Thank you for your prayers, all of you. He is so good.

My personal prayer has been helping me in unimaginable ways and I feel the presence of those who pray for me. I am so so grateful.

He knows what He's doing. I am trying really hard to trust that. Because He has not steered me wrong yet, and He never will.

But thank you, dear friends of mine. It helps.

Me.

Time for an update.

Hi! Again. Guess what. Two weeks later. Things are better.

They are not perfect, they are not brilliant, but they are better.

My two closest friends here are wonderful. One of them, whom we'll call Oregon, is amazing. She is truly understanding and helpful. She is also incredibly outgoing, which helps a lot. There is no time for sitting around when Oregon is around, and that's what I need right now.

Classes are good. They are time consuming and they take my mind off of the ex-boyfriend. Which I really need right now.

Today, I went to my favorite city with my new friends. They had their boyfriends with them. I was just me.

And it was hard. Slightly melancholic. But on my way home (alone) I reflected on what Best Friend told me last week:

"The only difference between being in a relationship and being single is the presence of that person in your life."

That has totally changed my perspective on things. Yes, I miss him. So much. But I am still me without him. Me who is funny, loves television, reads too much, takes hard classes, loves her friends. Me who is pretty okay.

And even though it was just me today, and even though that was difficult, I could still do it. I did do it. And I enjoyed myself, all by myself.

Me. Me, who is getting through this.

I've always said that I believe it's important that a person learns how to do things on his/her own. And now it's (finally) time for me to live my own philosophy.

Hi.

So I'm here. In my home state. At a new school.

Miserable.

I wish I was joking.

This, so far, has been a lot harder than I expected it to be. I'm having a really hard time getting used to being on my own. Because no one is here. Not my parents, not my friends.

I'm alone.

And that aloneness is exacerbated by this shitty breakup I'm going through. Because *he* is always in the back of my mind. My singleness, my loss of him, my (however brief) other half being gone... it's always there. Taunting me. Questioning how I can go through something this big without him and subtly pointing out that even when I get back, he won't be around and I'll have to adjust all over again.

I've made friends! Good friends at that. I went shopping and exploring with one this morning, and the other is right across the table from me right now. But my anxiety is somewhat ignoring that aspect and focusing on the difficulties.

Because this, for me, is twofold. I'm far away from the environment that I love and that was helping me recover from my breakup (because it's shitty. It was *big*). So not only am I adjusting to a new environment, but this new environment doesn't have any of my coping mechanisms.

Feels like I'm falling.

I'm so sorry that I can't be more positive about this. And therefore I implore of you, please pray for me. There are so many others who need prayers more than I do, but I would be so grateful if you could include me in your thoughts and prayers.

And in return I promise not to let those prayers go to waste. I will pray myself. And I'm going to make a counseling session to try to begin dealing with this crippling anxiety that I'm feeling.

I didn't expect it to be this hard or to hit this soon. I promise you, I'm trying to deal with it.

I'm just not doing a very good job.

Waxing Philosophical

I think, that in every relationship, at least in every serious relationship, one falls in love with the future of that relationship as well as the person. You start to imagine where that relationship is headed, what it looks like, and you love it, nearly as much as you love your significant other.

Because it's your (plural) future. The two of yours. Just you.

With Spider, I saw an incredibly passionate and intense relationship. One in which we would have plucked up the courage to travel the world together. The only way I can really think to describe it now (hindsight and all that) is to say that we would have thrown ourselves into the abyss, clutching hands.

With Mule, I saw something very different. I saw two people building a life together, growing through time and experience. We would have been best friends through it all. There would have been fights (we were waaaaaaaay too good at fighting) but I *knew* we could have fought our way through whatever happened. We are not two people ready to spend their lives together. But I saw us reaching that point.

And now as I sit here, my phone left at home to fight the temptation of texting him, I mourn the loss of what could have been.

"I'm so sorry this had to happen," he told me last week, while I numbly nodded my agreement.

I never saw us ending this way. Along with that future, that timeline that has ceased to exist, I thought the way we would end, if we did end, would be because of inherent differences in the way we wanted to live our lives.

But no. We ended because we couldn't handle the distance.*

It's not right. it's not fair. But here I am. Dealing with the loss of one of my very best friends. And trying not to think of what could have been. 

I miss that future already.


*This is not to say that I think we shouldn't have broken up. I think it was the right call. But that is a story for another day. 

I Do Not have the Words...

... but hopefully I will soon. They're all up in my head. I just can't bear to look at them right now.

So much sadness in this loss of mine. No longer mine.

It is really Hard...

... to let go and try to trust. Even scarier when you don't know if you're going to get hurt again.


I sound so cliched.


But I am trying, my love. For you, I am trying. Please don't break this. 

And the Living is Easy

I miss him so much
Constantly
But not enough to regret
Where I'm at

What I do
One week in
There is a normal
A return

So relieved to see
The highs so much higher than the lows.

Things Fall Apart

You know, sometimes I catch myself mentioning you or thinking of you and I can trick myself into believing that I miss you. 


But it's not true. Because when I actually take that moment and think about what I'm feeling, I find that I miss an ideal that never was. I miss what I thought you were, what I HOPED you were, not what you really were.


You want the truth, sweetheart? The cold, honest truth, is that my life and my emotional health have gotten a million times better since we stopped talking and I cannot bring myself to regret that change.


You were not worth it. You still aren't. Probably never will be.


I'm sorry you're not real, but I'm not sorry that I *finally* walked away. 

Facing my Fears

Now that the stress of finishing finals and getting this semester over with is done, I'm finding that I have (even just on this first night) more time to agonize over what could happen NEXT semester. So instead of writing about it all summer long, I'm going to get all my fears out tonight.

1. I'm scared of actually being away from my family and not being able to see them when I'm feeling overwhelmed.
2. I'm scared of being overwhelmed. I'm scared that they were right and I can't handle their classes.
3. I'm afraid of being lonely. 
4. I'm scared that everything will be different when I get back, that I will have lost my friends at home (except for Best Friend. Best Friend will never leave me.). 
5. I'm afraid of being away from Boyfriend and missing him so much it hurts.
6. I'm scared that he and I can't do this. I'm scared of losing him again. 
7. I'm afraid of being wholly on my own for the first time.
8. What if no one likes me? What if I don't like anyone?
9. I'm scared of leaving my comfort zone. 

And there we have it. Time to cry, take a deep breath, and face this head on. 

Let's Quote Fight Club and See who gets It

All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not.

To All of My Readers that I Know in Real Life...

I love you present tense. Thanks for putting up with me and my numerous imperfections. You are all so very important to me. 

More New Features

Hey there Internet friends.

New blog, new features! I've decided that I'm going to start thinking about "Monthly Merits." Every month I'm going to choose something that I think I need to improve upon and try to work on it. I'll post one post a month on it and they will be archived on a new page that is on the top, under the header. I'll also post at the end of the month as to how well I accomplished my new merit.

If you have any suggestions for interesting self-improvements or ideas I should try, let me know! And if you want to do the same, choose something new every month to work on, tell me about it! Let's continue being awesome together.

And without further ado, I present to you the first Monthly Merit.

Bask in the Public Eye. 
Hi there world! Even though I'm at a new site, I can still be found. There are ways around blocks, invisible things can always be found, and if someone is persistent enough, I am here. Visible. I need to be okay with this. This does not mean that the behavior of some people is okay. It just means that I need to accept that I can't, at this point, change anyone but myself. So I will accept my own visibility and ignore it of others.


I will...

1. Let go. Before letting the behavior of others (also publicly) upset me, I will take a deep breath.
2. I will allow myself to be upset. But only for short amounts of time. I will wallow and move on.
3. Embrace privacy. Some things are private, even if I don't think they should be. Time to accept that.
4. Talk about me! It's time for this blog to get back to its focus: me and the people I think are important.

Do you have advice for me? Merits of your own? The same problem? Let me know in the comments section.

I Hope Some of You are Still Here

Hey you guys. Sorry for no notice on the whole "changing urls" thing.

My privacy has been being compromised for a very long time. We'll leave it at that.

I am so very sad to have left my old URL. The title is still the same here, but it feels different. It is different.

But I'm here. You're here. Let's hope the ghosts of our pasts don't follow us.

Time to make new memories. Time to think in present tense.

(You see what I did there?)

Something Else

I am so so excited for Best Friend to come see me next semester. I loved visiting her in her temporary home and I can't wait to play hostess. There are so many things to show her!


Although, I will not have a super adorable dog to introduce her to. That will be the most sad. 

A Promise

I will never lie
I will never condone
I will never accept.

I will never coddle
I will never justify
I will never hold back.

I will be honest
I will be moral
I will clarify.

I will see clearly
I will hear honestly
I will speak truthfully.

Prey

Followed  at every twist and turn
Whispers behind
No escape.

A sudden drop of the stomach
Eyes unbelieving
With every step forward
A frantic fervent twisting back
To try to see who might be there.

Nothing can be done
Nowhere to hide
No defense
This is not the circle of life
Not a natural hunt.

Haunted by a ghost
You can't fight smoke spirits wind
But you can feel it

Unwarranted
Arbitrary
Unrelenting

Trapped.

Sick to My Stomach

Sometimes, things sicken me. 


I feel so violated. 

It's Too Late to Post

Really?


After six fucking months, that's what you're going to say to me? 

Guess what I just Realized, you Guys

In a little bit over four (!) months, I will be at the...
BEACH.


And I will get to stay there for a little bit over four (!) months.


I can walk barefoot on the beach for 120 days in a row if I want to. 


Sand will be EVERYWHERE.


I will be able to scream at seagulls to GET AWAY FROM MY FOOD, YOU MONSTERS.


I get to show Best Friend and Boyfriend my home!!


I feel so giddy inside.


I'm going home, you guys. I get to go home!

You are so Beautiful... to Me

Reminds me of somebody that I used to know... for the times I need to remember. I did not write/produce this. From here.  Produced & performed by TAL, Ira Glass, and Russell Banks.


...


" 'No," she said firmly. "You're ashamed of being seen with me. You'll sleep with me, all right, but you won't go out in public with me.' "


...


" 'You think I'm just so much meat, and all you've got to do is call up the butcher shop and cancel your order. Well, now you're going to find out different. You can't cancel your order. I'm not meat. I'm not one of your pretty little girlfriends who come running when you want them and go away when you get tired of them. I'm different. I got nothing to lose, Ron. Nothing. So you're stuck with me, Ron.' "


source 

One of those Moments that Needs to Happen

I say a lot of things a lot of the time.

I don't care.

It doesn't matter.

You're right, I'm totally going to do that.

Saying is believing, right?

Wrong.

But tonight, I am declaring myself done. I'm sick of being jealous for petty, superficial reasons. I'm tired of caring about situations that don't deserve the time of day. It's over. I am pulling myself out.

But it may matter, but it shouldn't. I refuse to let absurd, infectious, poisoning things affect me like this anymore. They aren't worth it.

But you know what is worth it? My life right now. It deserves my focus and attention. That's what I'm going to concentrate on.

I can't promise that I'll stop caring. But I can promise that my future, my friends, and my family will now be my first priority both in reality and in my mind.

Yes, yes you overwhelm me sometimes and in all the right ways
how I can't even look at you without feeling overwhelmed
and things are not always perfect
but things are always right. 

And now I am twenty.

Dear me,

Is it weird that I'm writing a letter to myself? Oh, well. I'm going for it.

Birthdays always kind of freak me out, at least in terms of my own. I LOVE getting presents, but when all that focus and pressure is on me, it makes me anxious. So I was insistent on getting a low key birthday this year. As long as presents were involved. Presents are non-negotiable.

It was a good birthday. Making Doctor Who-themed drinks with my very best friends, having dinner with all the people I love the most, seeing my family, and having things planned with Boyfriend. Low key in all the right ways. Happy birthday to me!

Low key is good. Especially after this last year. This year, the last year of my teenagedom, was vaguely focused on the idea of growing up. I had to get my life together. I took a serious, big step in the direction of choosing a career, put myself in a healthy relationship that has the potential for a future, and I tried to focus on the things and people that I want to focus on for the rest of my life.

College is strange. Who knows what they want to at nineteen? I certainly didn't. Or don't. And so I took a leap and went in the direction of something that I instinctively felt good about. I made the right call. Whenever I tell someone, at least someone who matters, what my major is, the response is always the same. "Did you really think you belonged anywhere else?" I don't.

I also don't know where my current relationship is headed, but I know that it's headed somewhere. I love finally feeling as though I am with the right person at the right time. He makes me happy, he makes me laugh, and he makes me work harder to be a better person. I can't say what our future holds but I love that there is the possibility of a future.

I am so lucky to have this brilliant, quirky, loving group of friends assembled from both high school and college. Sometimes I roll my eyes at the fact that my best friends now were my best friends in high school, but really? I am so lucky to have had them for so long! And the people I've met since being in college are so wonderful. They are unique and hilarious and I can't imagine my world without them. That's not to say I haven't lost friends this year. It sucks in a sense, but sometimes ties have to be cut. People may not think those ties are being cut for the right reasons, but I know that my reasons are good ones. Sometimes, it's best just to move on. And my family... Oh, my amazingly imperfect family. I don't have the words to describe how much they mean to me. This past year has truly shown me their importance and how much I value every single member of my family. I am so blessed by the people in my life.

So do I know what this next year will hold? I certainly didn't expect anything that happened last year. But with all these incredible things and people in my life, I'm content to sit back and enjoy the journey, feeling like I'll be pleasantly surprised as to where I end up. I am right where I should be and that feeling is the best present I could ask for as I head into my twenties.

Happy birthday to me!

That's Okay.

"You don't have to believe that right now, because I believe it enough for the two of us. I can believe this enough for both of us."

One Last Time

I guess that I'm just so conflicted about this? And I know that people may not be happy about it, but when it comes right down to it there is a time to cut yourself off and I probably should have done that a long time ago.

I don't like being taken for granted. I don't like being underappreciated, unvalued and I'm done.

I'm sorry. But I'm not sorry for what I'm doing, I'm sorry that it got to this point.

So really, whose fault is that?

Let's hope you eventually see that. 

Being Done- a Stream of Consciousness

I wouldn't read this, Best Friend.

Being done feels so strange like giving up but not really because this needs to be done i want to move on i want to grow up i want to forget and try to never think about it ever again because no nothing is ever really over but i am so tired and i don't know how else to declare myself to be important and really how could you not know but i guess it's a lost cause and that kills me fucking kills me you're a lost cause and i don't know how to say that to you because it wouldn't even make a little bit of difference i say these words to you and you don't even listen the phones through which we speak are a metaphorical brick wall i can't even tell you how to say goodbye but seriously fuck you and i refuse to feel sorry for that even though i am going to have to apologize over and over i am so sorry i wasn't strong enough i'm so sorry i didn't stand by so sorry i gave up but how do you stand by someone who doesn't even respond when you sob and tell that person that you're killing me this hurts me so much after everything it doesn't make one bit of difference you can't even apologize for your actions

and that probably hurts the most that you can't even tell me you're sorry your self-righteousness knows no bounds and of course you don't see that you're hurting everyone who ever cared about you you're the same and look around because no one is here anymore no one can do or say anything because you're gone you're so gone i tried to pull you back but it didn't work because anyone who can't apologize for this doesn't exist anymore

i tried i tried so hard and it won't even matter it didn't help and if it did you never told me thank you and the truth is i could probably just deal with this if you could just say thank you and i'm sorry for what i put you through but you can't and you won't because those around you are taken for granted until they leave but even when i leave when you think of me all you'll see is someone who couldn't get past her anger not someone whose heart broken too many times by the same person can't risk that again and i hate the way you'll probably think of what i'm doing but 

i know a lost cause when i see one. 

you're so gone sweetheart you're gone forever and i can't i just can't and i hope you see what i see someday but until then i'm not doing this anymore and

this is all your fault. 

One of Those Moments Where You Realize the Past is Never Really Over

Distrust
is a funny thing


isn't it?


Taking its place
years later
Slithering in
to someone who should never be
Doubted. 

So this whole Student Exchange Thing...

Yeah, it's going to be hard leaving Best Friend and Boyfriend for a semester. Yeah, it'll be hard making new friends and being far away from my family.

But I genuinely feel like I need to do this. I want to go home. I feel like this is what I'm supposed to be doing.

I have prayed a lot about this. And I know by now that I can trust God to send me where I should be. If He has willed this (and I fully believe that He has) then everything will be fine.

I will be home! Best Friend and I have the long distance relationship down pat. Boyfriend and I will make things work.

This feels like my next step.

And now you are twenty one (again).

Dear Best Friend,

Three years ago, we were already best friends. And yet, we didn't celebrate your birthday together. And I don't know why. If I could go back in time and celebrate with you, I totally would. (Also this was the year you put a beach in my house for my birthday so I need to do something just as awesome for you. Call the Doctor.)

Two years ago, you were in Australia and I had just gotten Facebook just to talk to you every single day. I wrote you a very long post, describing how much I missed you.

One year ago, I sent you a mix CD. They are some of your favorite gifts. I also bought a ticket to see you. It was one of the best decisions I ever made.

And this year, the first year that we've celebrated your birthday together since becoming best friends, we went bowling. We were dressed up. We laughed gaily.

Remember that first time we cried on each others' shoulders sarcastically? That moment captures past and present us perfectly: supporting each other while still being able to laugh hysterically every moment of every day.

Remember all those trips to McDonalds? And those times backstage? And those Skype conversations? And those million inside jokes? And the crazy looks that adults give us? And everything else?

Of course you do.

After looking at "our friendship" on Facebook or all the pictures taken of us, I am overwhelmed by us. We win. Enough said.

I love that I cry when I say goodbye to you even for just a week, that you lecture me on the evils of diet soda, that we complete each others' very thoughts, that I am in awe of your dog training skill, that we fit into each others' wardrobes, that you have actress quirks, that I LOVE YOUR DOG, that you take my advice on what books to read, that we call each other first when we want to cry or laugh, that we talk through movies together, that you are the fucking strongest person I know and essentially everything else about you. Even while writing that run-on sentence (I hope you can excuse my poor grammar just this once) I thought of a million other things that I love about you.

But mostly, especially, I love that I have such an amazing friendship with a person that I love, admire, and respect every day, and I know that we will have this same relationship in 50 years.

You are the only one who will ever love me and I don't ever forget it.

Happy birthday to you, sweet friend of mine. I can't wait to spend the next 50+ years doing everything we do right now.

Love,
Lady Brett Ashley

From this...

to this.

From this (in ugly dresses)...

to this (in pretty dresses. In a bowling alley.). 

Nights Like These

You said something, I withdrew my hand. What was said was just the slightest bit too critical for my taste.

And I watched as horror and regret spread over your face. Your eyes filled with sorrow at realizing how what you said had hurt me in an unintended way.

It'd been like that all evening, us out of sync. You in one mood, I in another, and us not fitting together right. That was just the tipping point.

And I watched you. I watched as you tried to explain yourself, as you beat yourself up for knowing how you'd hurt me. I saw.

And so I sighed. I spoke quietly.

"It's okay. I don't want you to beat yourself up over this. I will be okay."

Because no matter the little hurt that I had, you didn't deserve to feel miserable over it. You didn't mean to hurt me. And I hate knowing that I can push you to feel absolutely hellishly upset when something goes wrong.  I hate the way your voice sounds when you feel like the worst person in the world. I despise the way you look when you can't bear the thought of what you've done has upset me.

I didn't want that. Not tonight.

And so I stepped back. You apologized. I told you to be okay, it was okay. We tentatively resumed our plans (even though I had misgivings. Maybe I should've just gone home. Maybe we should've called it a night there.)

It was wonderful. We walked into that restaurant and it was like flipping a light switch. We were most definitely okay. We laughed and teased and delighted in our activities. I couldn't believe that a mere 30 minutes before, I had been considering just leaving.

Nights like these. When we get off on the wrong foot but we both make amends and then everything gets better... This is what shows me how different everything is now. It speaks volumes to me about how what we're doing is good. What we have is good. We try.

Nights like these are everything in us that is right.

Things I Hate

• I hate that you hide away in another room while all of us are out in the living room.
• I hate that you talk to no one but each other at a party I threw.
• I hate that you tried to steal members away from said party, literally hijacking the guests.
• I hate that I no longer feel like you all are my friends.
• I hate that it doesn't bother me more.
• I hate that I can't stop worrying that maybe I really don't have as many friends as I thought. 

But you know what? Fuck it. I don't WANT friends like you. I don't want friends who intentionally exclude themselves. I don't want friends who talk about me and my flaws behind my back. I need to remember, like I always need to remember, that having less, but truer, friends is better. 

And now you are twenty one.

Dear Mule,

You're twenty one? What?!

How did this happen?

I could use this opportunity to tell you all of the reasons I'm glad we're giving us a shot. I could also use this opportunity to tell you all the reasons you warm my heart.

Or, because I try to tell you those things on a daily basis, maybe I will just say this:

My world changed that day in seventh grade when you put a bug in my hair. There have been ups, there have been downs, but it has always been interesting. And even on the days when we irritate and grate each other, there is no one I'd rather spend my time with. Even on our bad days, there is no one else I'd rather be with.

Thank you for this journey. Thank you for all the things that are still to come.

Happy birthday, my darling.

I love you more and more,
your Seagull

We're the cutest ever. 

This is Not Okay, No this is Not Okay

Realizing that I still have not kicked this damn funk is the worst feeling in the world. 


I don't want to go out, I don't want to do anything, I just want to go back to bed and sleep. I want to stay inside, I want to leave classes, I want to go home. 


Normally I do pretty well. My functionality has increased tenfold from the beginning of the semester. But today feels like a bad day.


A day where I want to close the blinds, turn off my phone, and curl up into a ball. 


But no. I will not do that. I will get dressed. I will close my laptop. I will go out.


Not because I want to, but because I should. Because it will make me feel better. 


This is not okay. 

It's Late and I should Go to Bed

95% of the time, I'd rather be at Best Friend's house or Boyfriend's house than anywhere else. I don't mind going out and partying with my friends, I just don't particularly enjoy it as much as everyone else seems to. 


I like the laughter. I like the giggliness and the silliness and a lot of the memories that are made, but most of the time (at least for me) the crash isn't worth it. I stare at my ceiling at 2:35 in the morning and wonder if it was really worth it: going out, being around my drunk friends, driving people home, stressed out about people being sick... And this is how it always goes.


I do not have the partying personality. Give me a night in with my girlfriends any day. Give me a nice dinner with my significant other. 


Nine times out of ten, I'd so much rather do those things than go out and drink until I'm awake too late. 

My Day of Love

1. Began the night before when I made cupcakes for my roommates and we had a '90s music dance party.
2. Woke up to a text message from the boyfriend.
3. Texted Best Friend. We were simultaneously excited about our days.
4. Got very dressed up for a night that I didn't know how it was going to go.
5. Presented Boyfriend with my gifts: a cupcake and a very long, sappy letter.
6. Boyfriend and I went out to dinner at one of my favorite seafood restaurants and then went to the movies. 
7. Came out of the movie theater to find the city covered in snow, with more falling fast. 
8. Back at the apartment, I found flowers and chocolates from Boyfriend. I was completely surprised and it was adorable!
9. This morning, I discovered a secret letter inside the box of chocolates, which was just the perfect icing on top of what was the best cliche holiday ever. 

The one dark spot on yesterday was finding out that my parakeet back home died a few nights ago. I got him when I was 10 and it's still a little hard to believe that he won't sing for us every morning anymore. He was very much loved by me and my family. We'll miss you, Louie-bird. 

On another note, I'd like to express my gratitude for all the love in my life. My friends, my family... I love you all. Thank you for everything you give to me. Thank you for your love! 

And I Should Just Say...

Goddamn this happens every damn sophomore year. Ah, well. I got through it once, I can get through it again! 

Who do you Think you Are?

This is one of those moments
to step back and say
nonono enough of this already
there are people you know.
There are people who know you.
Know you well enough
to always speak their mind
always voice concerns

To know that
If something cannot be said to someone's face
then it isn't important enough to be said.

Those people I love
Those people who love me
Make no excuses
And I ask for none.

This is one of those times
When I remember
when I am grateful
to know that love
Is not 100% support
But
100% honesty.

All else pales in comparison.

And I Go to Sleep Content

Sometimes I consider complaining and whining and then I remember how nice things actually are.


The bad things I'll forget, but the good things... they will last a lifetime.

Reason #12096 that I'm Glad She Moved Home

Sometimes I forget how worried I was about meeting Vertigo. I wasn't sure if we'd get along, if we'd do anything more than tolerate each other.


And it warms every corner of my heart knowing how wrong I was. How much I love that silly dog and how much he loves me. 

Two Angry Girls

Two little girls
of same height and weight and build
Mouths pursed thin
Eyes sparking like gems filled with fire
Hands clenched tight together.

Four little hands
Clutching to hold on
Squeezing to confirm reality
Refusing to let go.

Four little eyes
Looking out
At a judging, betraying, cruel world

Two little mouths
Whispering empty comforts in each others' ears.
Simultaneously casting and absolving
blame.

Two little girls
Hands clinging tight to solely what they know is good
Eyes filled with tears unable to comprehend the horrors
Mouths screaming at everyone else while attempting to soothe themselves...

two Little girls.

My Favorite People of 2012

1. Jacinta- Really? Is anyone surprised? We're the best fucking friends ever. Besides that, thank you for always being wonderful, best friend. I know how hard you try. I love you for it. I love you even when you can't.
2. Tiffany- I'm so glad we got back to a place where we are still best friends. I sometimes forget how much I love you. I remembered in the second part of this year, and I'm so happy that we found our perfect balance.
3. My roommates- You rock my world, girlies. We've been through a lot, but I'm glad to have every single one of you. We have so much fun together.
4. Craig- You're wonderful. Thank you for everything. I can't really go into more detail without being gooey and sappy and gross. I appreciate you deeply, truly, wholeheartedly.
5. Victoria- Your persistence makes me happy. Let's stay in touch more. I miss you, lady.
6. Karina- Thank you for being so true. For always. 
7. David Tennant- Thank you for being sexy. Thank you for wearing glasses. And thank you for keeping all of us on planet Earth safe.
8. Those friends of mine at school- I'm so glad I found you.
9. Libby- Awwww, sweet girl. Our history thrills me. And I'm delighted that we're living in the same city, spending time together again. 

Happy New Years, everyone! Let's move forward. 

My Favorite Things of 2011

1. All those car rides. All those long nights.
2. Finding my niche at school. Loving the people I met.
3. Coming home for summer and finding that things really did get better.
4. Australia. Everything to do with Australia. That was the most fun I had all year. Bar none.
5. Meeting Vertigo in person.
6. Going back to school and adoring my new roommates. 
7. Finding independence and then coming back to where I belonged.
8. Doctor Who.
9. Having the best friend and Vertigo be home. Getting lots of hugs and squiggles.