Don't Read Too Much Into This

I don't know what my last thought will be
Or what I will see before these eyes close

But I hope that it's the sound of the ocean falling onto the shore
My brother running to me when I haven't seen him in awhile
Or the sound of Jacinta's laugh when she can't hold it back
the way my home looks when it's snowing late at night

My mother's hands kneading tortilla dough
Surprise letters in the mail
Sam kissing my forehead
Or the way the wind feels on my skin driving home late at night with the windows down and my favorite song

And you.

I hope I see that grin you have just for me when you're happy to see me
and the smile you give me when I catch you looking
the sound of your voice when you're whispering secrets

Or even just the brush of your fingertips against mine.

A Letter I Can Send: Two Years

Dear Best Friend,

Oh my god you've been home for two years. What. Where has the time gone.

So, in order to keep myself on track, here's what I'm going to talk about in this letter: what you've done in the past two years, what we've done in the past two years, and where we're headed from here.

Oh sweet best friend of mine, I can't even tell you how proud of you I am. Taking such active control of your own life, paying bills like an adult-type person, making your mark on the world. Helping people, going on adventures, and, most importantly, doing what makes you happy.

I know it was hard. I know it still is. But you are a fucking rock star, and I look up to you every single day. Thank you for being such an amazing role model. You're still standing. And I love it. I always knew you would.

Even more than just merely surviving, you are thriving. I know things aren't always easy, but I *know* (because I know you) that it's better. I can't even tell you how happy it made me looking at those pictures of you from September.

"She looks so different from how she used to," I said. "She looks amazing."

That warms my heart in ways I can't even tell you. But know that always, ALWAYS, you are the magic. And I'll always believe it enough for the both of us.

And now onto our adventures...

I'm always going to cherish these past two years, Best Friend. Because we've done so much!! Gone on trips, gone hiking, drank WAY too much coffee, snuggled dogs, watched new TV shows, danced in the snow and the rain, gone out for drinks, gotten dressed up, called each other a million times, driven hours to see each other... and the list goes on.

Nothing is ever perfect in this world, but you and I come pretty damn close. You are the sunshine in my life. The umbrella. And I'm always going to be grateful that, no matter what, we had these two years living within 100 miles of each other. Two years where we saw each other regularly. You and me were (and continue to be) magic.

So that leads me to the last part of this letter: where we're headed. Because I'm not going to lie, Best Friend, thinking of how much things are changing for us both scares me a little bit.

I love that we have future plans that include each other, but it'll always scare me a little bit that those plans may not pan out. That our lives may be headed in different physical directions.

That gives me even more of a reason to be grateful for these two years that we had, but it also makes me remember our friendship as a whole. Because before THESE two years, there were two years that we were 13,000 miles apart. And we KICKED ASS.

So yeah, I'm scared. The thought of being away from you never makes me happy. But we're never truly apart. We know how to stay connected better than anyone; how could we not?

And so, with that in mind, let me tell you that I am so excited for these next two years, whatever and wherever they bring us. And you. I admire you every damn day and I can't wait to see what you do next. Because no matter where you are, I'm going to be right beside you. Texting you and calling you and listening to your CDs and planning trips and doing countdowns and laughing with you and triumphing together.

Always together no matter where we are. I promise that I'll remember that.

So, my gorgeous and wonderful constant, here's to the past two years and everything they were. And here's to the next two years and the next fifty. The unknown is fucking terrifying but I believe in you enough to move towards it.

So long as you're always the only one who will ever love me and I'm always the one who loves you most.

Love, love, love,
your Best Friend

I put on a better act with you than I do with everyone else

Try not to let you see how much of a mess I am right now

But I still love the moments when my cracks show through and I slip and let you see just a bit of my current struggle

and your instantaneous reaction is of trying to reach me any way you can. Of minutes after you read my message to text and say that you're calling as soon as you can. To be dealing with other crises but to ask me if I'm okay no really am I okay.

I love you for that.

And I love you for calling me spontaneously, even though we talked earlier today, just to tell me how good it was to talk to me. How much you love me and miss me.

God damn, I hate this distance thing, but fuck it if I don't love you more every day we're apart.

Selfish

I feel like I consume all this fucking love and it isn't enough. It never seems to be enough.

Someone kissed me goodbye this morning. My best friend texted me all damn day. Another friend texted me and said, "just know someone somewhere is thinking of and loves you." 

And that was just today. I receive all these constant reminders that I'm loved and cherished, and I still feel fucking empty.

I hate that about myself. Really. I hate that I have all this love given to me and it never feels like enough. 

I was thinking today about
That exercise we used to do in my theater class

Where we'd have to look into someone's eyes
And not laugh, not freak out
Just look
Take deep breaths and hold eye contact

And then I was thinking about how
I'd love to do that with you
how easy it would be
how I wouldn't laugh even a little bit (at least not for awhile, not until we laughed together)
Because the thought of getting to do nothing but look into your eyes
Stare into each others' souls that way
Is so damn tantalizing.

I want to see all of you
And if I was given the opportunity
To do nothing but peer into you and have you peer into me
I'd take it and hold onto it as long as I could.

I'd like that.

More Stream of Consciousness

I miss her i miss her so much it hurts so much that i crave the weekends and when they get here all i do is lie in bed and watch tv just to get a damn break but then i think about everything and i just want to go back to sleep like all the people i could be with right now all the people i should call but they'd just all be distractions from her because i miss her and i miss her peeking her head into my room and then slipping into my bed wrapping her arms around my waist and just being with me and when i remember those things it's the worst because i'm so mad that one person who isn't here is enough to break my heart and i don't feel any better and it's so fucking pathetic that one person is gone and i'm devastated 

this isn't working but i don't have the answer i don't have any for certains i don't know if i'll ever fucking see her again or ever fucking live near her and i can't feel like this every damn saturday so what will i do

i just want to go to best friend's house and throw a pillow over my head and sleep for days because even going home doesn't sound appealing why do you think i spend so many nights at his house because i don't belong there but i don't belong anywhere right now and when his cat sleeps pressed up against me sleeps curled up in the body parts that i pull close into myself  it's nice to pretend that there is somewhere that i do belong

she called me shattered the other day and that sentiment is way more true than she realizes she said it because she knows i think i'm broken but she said that broken implies not self-sufficient not capable and that i am both of those things or so she says 

but yeah

shattered 

Broke.

Writing this down so I don't forget.

She called me last night when we were on our way home from the bars. She was still in a bar. And she was grouchy and not having a good time and she called me.

"I miss you so much," she said. "Being here with people that I don't care about only throws into focus the people that I should be with."

And I listened. While she told me all the things she missed about me. My heart broke a little more.

"I don't belong here anymore," I told her.

"You know you belong with me, right?" she responded.

We said things we shouldn't have.

Like how her leaving broke something. Like how she misses me every day.

"I love you so much; I miss you."

And then she had to go.

I packed up my things and drove to a house that was not my own to fall asleep next to a person that was not her. And I cried the whole way there.

Because what else am I supposed to do?