"I trust you," is one way to put it.
Sounds like a prayer
but maybe it is.
Friday, December 27, 2013
Friday, December 20, 2013
Give Me the Truth, Any Day of the Week
A few nights ago, I was talking to a friend about Mule and how he treats me these days, now that we're broken up. And she said that, because he was a writer, he always looked for the ideal story, the ideal interpretation. He admits himself that he idealizes people. From experience, I know that he is constantly searching for the perfection he imagines in his mind. And I agreed with her at the time, noting that because he searched for idealizations, he could never see the truth of the matter. He figures out how he wants to perceive something, and perceives it that way.
And then I realized tonight that I disagree with her. His idealization is not a product of his "writer's mind." It's what makes him a sub-par writer. Because writing isn't about looking for what makes the best story, or the most ideal concept. Good writers, great writing, searches for the truth. Because that's what will connect us. No one knows perfection. Good writing means trying to find the truth. No one ever bleeds out words of perfection, they bleed out the truth. It's the stories of imperfections, of honest and true shortcomings, that reveal to the readers just how not alone we are, which is the whole point of writing. It's connection, and you can't find connection in perfection because perfection doesn't exist. It isn't real. And because he willfully doesn't do that, he'll never be a great writer.
Not that it matters, really. What matters is that it may make a nice story, an ideal story that I'm a crazy ex-girlfriend, but that isn't the truth. He can have that. I'd rather have the truth. Which is why he ignores me in public and I'll still admit that he was an influential person in my life.
I don't want the ideal. I want the truth.
And then I realized tonight that I disagree with her. His idealization is not a product of his "writer's mind." It's what makes him a sub-par writer. Because writing isn't about looking for what makes the best story, or the most ideal concept. Good writers, great writing, searches for the truth. Because that's what will connect us. No one knows perfection. Good writing means trying to find the truth. No one ever bleeds out words of perfection, they bleed out the truth. It's the stories of imperfections, of honest and true shortcomings, that reveal to the readers just how not alone we are, which is the whole point of writing. It's connection, and you can't find connection in perfection because perfection doesn't exist. It isn't real. And because he willfully doesn't do that, he'll never be a great writer.
Not that it matters, really. What matters is that it may make a nice story, an ideal story that I'm a crazy ex-girlfriend, but that isn't the truth. He can have that. I'd rather have the truth. Which is why he ignores me in public and I'll still admit that he was an influential person in my life.
I don't want the ideal. I want the truth.
2013 in Reflection
January: Started with my and Best Friend's somewhat disasterous New Year's Eve-in. It was a nice idea, anyway ;) Was bombarded by PUPPIES. I came back to Albuquerque, and I couldn't believe how easy it felt. I missed K every day, but my friends were more excited to see me than I expected and I loved being back with them. A lot of us were together every weekend, doing something. I bought tickets to see K in March.
February: I spent waiting. And waiting. Texted K too much. Went to classes. Continued to be loved by the people here. V and I got closer. We saw each other every week and we loved it. Became "Queen of the Puppies."
March: Went to see K and it wasn't what I expected. Spent the rest of the month confused and angry. In retrospect, it was probably for the best-- I was able to realize that K couldn't be my whole life, no matter how hard I tried. V and I talked about it, a lot.
April: Spent my 21st with the best people. Best Friend was with me and that was most important. She bought my champagne flutes for my birthday. :) But then things got hard, for both of us. So we talked a lot. I went home a few weekends specifically so we could be together. We got through it. I had a panic attack over registration, called K hysterical at one in the morning. She talked me through it. Talked to Spider, found out he was moving. Had several intense conversations with him, culminating with him telling me he loved me. He promised to write me over the summer.
May: I remember this finals week being the most intense I've ever experienced. I ate fried chicken and champagne and then piled into bed with all of my favorite people. One of the best nights. Had a conversation with K that reinforced that I was still in love with her and her with me. Took an intersession course right after finals, made it through barely. I was exhausted but also elated. This was a really great month. Went up to the mountains just to talk and look at the stars with S. We went to a baseball game, I sang "Sweet Caroline" at the top of my lungs with T. I came home to spend my summer with Best Friend, Vert, and Pokemon.
June: Worked. Looked for apartments, found one. Went thrift shopping for furniture, more often than not bought books. Visited Best Friend at the shelter all the time. We hiked most weekends with Vert and Penny. I loved our evening hikes the best. We got nervous about nearby fires. Our siblings graduated from high school. I house-sat for Best Friend and missed her. Spider actually wrote me-- three times-- and I was delighted.
July: Was rough. K and I fought briefly but intensely multiple times and it culminated in us not talking for about two weeks. I was not upset about it. I was tired and needed to be done with her for a little bit. Best Friend was having serious problems at work. We spent a lot of our time this month having drinks after work and having depressing conversations. I was worried we were drifting, but these conversations reminded me we weren't. We discussed the best place to survive a zombie apocalypse on National Tequila Day. K and I had a fifteen minute conversation at the end of the month in which things were brought right back to normal for us-- reinforcing that we needed the break in that we needed to recognize what was wrong and fix it. We worked on fixing things and it worked.
August: Was wonderful. One of the best months. In a matter of a week, I expressed to K how much I wanted her to come see me, and a bit miraculously, we found a way for it to happen. I spent LOADS of time looking at plane tickets. We got excited to see each others' faces again. Best Friend and I got bored of Pokemon. We went to an amazing concert and loved every minute. I moved into the apartment, spent a week basically living at a coffee shop because of my lack of internet. Found out Roommate was pregnant. Started school again. Saw Best Friend in brief snippets. Went to a wedding with Best Friend, and despite my sickness, hot weather, and being ignored by the other guests, we had a fantastic time. We danced and had excellent conversations. One of my favorite memories of us. I was happy and excited this whole month and I spent a lot of my time singing loudly in my car.
September: K was here and things were shockingly perfect. We had the best week. Spent too much time looking over at each other saying, "This is what it would be like." It rained the whole time she was here, ruining a lot of my plans, but it didn't really matter since we were together. But then she left and I broke. Cried all the time. Didn't eat. The only way I can describe it is by saying that something in me broke when she left. And it's still not really fixed. Best Friend and I started talking about the possibility of moving. Spider and I started talking again, regularly, and it was different. We were heartbroken and talked about how sad we were. Even with all of my sadness, I had constant reminders that I was loved and I'm really grateful for that.
October: Was weird. Best Friend and I were struggling, in different ways. We talked a lot. We met in-between and realized how much we REALLY missed each other. T and S and I went on a roadtrip and it soothed me in ways that I needed. But then we came home and things went downhill. I was sad, a lot of the time and did things to avoid that sadness. Would talk to K and be reminded of how sad I really was. My dad and I could not get along, and it really pissed me off so I didn't even try to make an effort anymore because nothing I did seemed to make a difference. Celebrated Halloween excessively. Drank excessively. Started spending all of my time at S's house because I couldn't really handle being anywhere else.
November: Things went really downhill with Roommate, in regards to finding her replacement. I was stressed ALWAYS about it. K and I found our balance in regards to talking. I never stressed about her anymore, which was a really nice feeling. Always felt loved by her, even though we didn't communicate constantly. Wrote a ton for school, more than I've ever written in the past. Drank too much, instituted two weeks with zero drinking because I knew I wasn't handling drinking in a healthy manner. Went home for sister's birthday, fought with Dad, but spending time with the siblings, Best Friend, and Vert made it worth it. Had a nicer Thanksgiving than expected. Tentatively found a new living situation, but got into a really bad place with Roommate and things ended badly. Basically wrote all the time. Still always at S's, but spending more time with his roommate and girlfriend (my new roommate).
December: Things both got more intense and calmed down. Wrote and wrote and wrote for school. Best Friend got a job in a different state, we prepared for her leaving. Finals Week was anticipated to be intense, but in retrospect I handled it really well. Made preparations to move into new apartment with C. Spent a lot of time drinking at S's, with him, J, and C. Loved how close C and I were getting. Talked over moving a lot with Best Friend. Recognized that I am still not okay, about a lot of things, but mostly about being here and being away from K. Also recognized that there's not much I can do right now to change those things, so tried to remain "hopeful but not expectant." Wanted to leave the state, more fiercely than I had allowed myself to feel in awhile. School ended and things came to an abrupt halt. Packed. Went back and forth between my city and parents' home, all the time. Christmas at home, New Year's Eve in the new apartment. Felt ready for 2104.
Grateful for this crazy year, filled with intensity. 2013 was truly my most intense year yet, I think, both in intense highs and intense lows. A lot of the year seemed to be about waiting, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I feel like I spent my year waiting for change, and that may not be the best thing, but I also don't know how I should have done things differently. So I'm going to own it. 2013 was filled with intensity and waiting. I'm ready for you 2014. Let's see if you bring all the changes I've been waiting for.
February: I spent waiting. And waiting. Texted K too much. Went to classes. Continued to be loved by the people here. V and I got closer. We saw each other every week and we loved it. Became "Queen of the Puppies."
March: Went to see K and it wasn't what I expected. Spent the rest of the month confused and angry. In retrospect, it was probably for the best-- I was able to realize that K couldn't be my whole life, no matter how hard I tried. V and I talked about it, a lot.
April: Spent my 21st with the best people. Best Friend was with me and that was most important. She bought my champagne flutes for my birthday. :) But then things got hard, for both of us. So we talked a lot. I went home a few weekends specifically so we could be together. We got through it. I had a panic attack over registration, called K hysterical at one in the morning. She talked me through it. Talked to Spider, found out he was moving. Had several intense conversations with him, culminating with him telling me he loved me. He promised to write me over the summer.
May: I remember this finals week being the most intense I've ever experienced. I ate fried chicken and champagne and then piled into bed with all of my favorite people. One of the best nights. Had a conversation with K that reinforced that I was still in love with her and her with me. Took an intersession course right after finals, made it through barely. I was exhausted but also elated. This was a really great month. Went up to the mountains just to talk and look at the stars with S. We went to a baseball game, I sang "Sweet Caroline" at the top of my lungs with T. I came home to spend my summer with Best Friend, Vert, and Pokemon.
June: Worked. Looked for apartments, found one. Went thrift shopping for furniture, more often than not bought books. Visited Best Friend at the shelter all the time. We hiked most weekends with Vert and Penny. I loved our evening hikes the best. We got nervous about nearby fires. Our siblings graduated from high school. I house-sat for Best Friend and missed her. Spider actually wrote me-- three times-- and I was delighted.
July: Was rough. K and I fought briefly but intensely multiple times and it culminated in us not talking for about two weeks. I was not upset about it. I was tired and needed to be done with her for a little bit. Best Friend was having serious problems at work. We spent a lot of our time this month having drinks after work and having depressing conversations. I was worried we were drifting, but these conversations reminded me we weren't. We discussed the best place to survive a zombie apocalypse on National Tequila Day. K and I had a fifteen minute conversation at the end of the month in which things were brought right back to normal for us-- reinforcing that we needed the break in that we needed to recognize what was wrong and fix it. We worked on fixing things and it worked.
August: Was wonderful. One of the best months. In a matter of a week, I expressed to K how much I wanted her to come see me, and a bit miraculously, we found a way for it to happen. I spent LOADS of time looking at plane tickets. We got excited to see each others' faces again. Best Friend and I got bored of Pokemon. We went to an amazing concert and loved every minute. I moved into the apartment, spent a week basically living at a coffee shop because of my lack of internet. Found out Roommate was pregnant. Started school again. Saw Best Friend in brief snippets. Went to a wedding with Best Friend, and despite my sickness, hot weather, and being ignored by the other guests, we had a fantastic time. We danced and had excellent conversations. One of my favorite memories of us. I was happy and excited this whole month and I spent a lot of my time singing loudly in my car.
September: K was here and things were shockingly perfect. We had the best week. Spent too much time looking over at each other saying, "This is what it would be like." It rained the whole time she was here, ruining a lot of my plans, but it didn't really matter since we were together. But then she left and I broke. Cried all the time. Didn't eat. The only way I can describe it is by saying that something in me broke when she left. And it's still not really fixed. Best Friend and I started talking about the possibility of moving. Spider and I started talking again, regularly, and it was different. We were heartbroken and talked about how sad we were. Even with all of my sadness, I had constant reminders that I was loved and I'm really grateful for that.
October: Was weird. Best Friend and I were struggling, in different ways. We talked a lot. We met in-between and realized how much we REALLY missed each other. T and S and I went on a roadtrip and it soothed me in ways that I needed. But then we came home and things went downhill. I was sad, a lot of the time and did things to avoid that sadness. Would talk to K and be reminded of how sad I really was. My dad and I could not get along, and it really pissed me off so I didn't even try to make an effort anymore because nothing I did seemed to make a difference. Celebrated Halloween excessively. Drank excessively. Started spending all of my time at S's house because I couldn't really handle being anywhere else.
November: Things went really downhill with Roommate, in regards to finding her replacement. I was stressed ALWAYS about it. K and I found our balance in regards to talking. I never stressed about her anymore, which was a really nice feeling. Always felt loved by her, even though we didn't communicate constantly. Wrote a ton for school, more than I've ever written in the past. Drank too much, instituted two weeks with zero drinking because I knew I wasn't handling drinking in a healthy manner. Went home for sister's birthday, fought with Dad, but spending time with the siblings, Best Friend, and Vert made it worth it. Had a nicer Thanksgiving than expected. Tentatively found a new living situation, but got into a really bad place with Roommate and things ended badly. Basically wrote all the time. Still always at S's, but spending more time with his roommate and girlfriend (my new roommate).
December: Things both got more intense and calmed down. Wrote and wrote and wrote for school. Best Friend got a job in a different state, we prepared for her leaving. Finals Week was anticipated to be intense, but in retrospect I handled it really well. Made preparations to move into new apartment with C. Spent a lot of time drinking at S's, with him, J, and C. Loved how close C and I were getting. Talked over moving a lot with Best Friend. Recognized that I am still not okay, about a lot of things, but mostly about being here and being away from K. Also recognized that there's not much I can do right now to change those things, so tried to remain "hopeful but not expectant." Wanted to leave the state, more fiercely than I had allowed myself to feel in awhile. School ended and things came to an abrupt halt. Packed. Went back and forth between my city and parents' home, all the time. Christmas at home, New Year's Eve in the new apartment. Felt ready for 2104.
Grateful for this crazy year, filled with intensity. 2013 was truly my most intense year yet, I think, both in intense highs and intense lows. A lot of the year seemed to be about waiting, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I feel like I spent my year waiting for change, and that may not be the best thing, but I also don't know how I should have done things differently. So I'm going to own it. 2013 was filled with intensity and waiting. I'm ready for you 2014. Let's see if you bring all the changes I've been waiting for.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Spain
Taking time to remember that this apartment, while only my home for about six months was home.
This is where I got to set up all of my stuff. The home for which I spent all summer looking for furniture. Filled it with my books. Took pieces of furniture from my old homes and put them here.
This is where she visited me. My porch is where we watched one of the most intense rainstorms I've ever seen and I made her dance with me in the rain. My kitchen where we danced at least twice, where we made our special drink, where she, within hours of being here, looked at me and said, "I could do this."
This apartment was where Best Friend and I crashed after adventures. Where Vert came to visit and I made sure that he could jump on my super high bed (that I made with my father specifically for this apartment). This apartment has held everyone I love, at least once. It's a shame it didn't hold them all at the same time, but they were all here.
This apartment is where I climbed up one story of stairs late at night and early in the morning, hungover, sick, exhausted, in yesterday's clothes, with cigarette smoke in my hair, smeared make-up, so many thoughts. This is where I never felt ashamed for the food or drinks I brought home-- and there was always at least one bottle of champagne in my fridge.
This dining room is where I would sit with Roommate in the morning, after she got home from work and before I left for school, and we caught each other up on our lives. This living room where I fell asleep next to my loves watching movies. This bedroom where I lay in bed, filled with thoughts of joy and pain. The window next to my bed that I would look at in the middle of the night, when I couldn't sleep because my heart hurt too much from missing her. This bed where I jumped on with people, dogs, books, and more often than anything, Chinese food.
I was only here for six months, and I'm so excited for where I'm living next. But this was a good apartment and it was home.
This is where I got to set up all of my stuff. The home for which I spent all summer looking for furniture. Filled it with my books. Took pieces of furniture from my old homes and put them here.
This is where she visited me. My porch is where we watched one of the most intense rainstorms I've ever seen and I made her dance with me in the rain. My kitchen where we danced at least twice, where we made our special drink, where she, within hours of being here, looked at me and said, "I could do this."
This apartment was where Best Friend and I crashed after adventures. Where Vert came to visit and I made sure that he could jump on my super high bed (that I made with my father specifically for this apartment). This apartment has held everyone I love, at least once. It's a shame it didn't hold them all at the same time, but they were all here.
This apartment is where I climbed up one story of stairs late at night and early in the morning, hungover, sick, exhausted, in yesterday's clothes, with cigarette smoke in my hair, smeared make-up, so many thoughts. This is where I never felt ashamed for the food or drinks I brought home-- and there was always at least one bottle of champagne in my fridge.
This dining room is where I would sit with Roommate in the morning, after she got home from work and before I left for school, and we caught each other up on our lives. This living room where I fell asleep next to my loves watching movies. This bedroom where I lay in bed, filled with thoughts of joy and pain. The window next to my bed that I would look at in the middle of the night, when I couldn't sleep because my heart hurt too much from missing her. This bed where I jumped on with people, dogs, books, and more often than anything, Chinese food.
I was only here for six months, and I'm so excited for where I'm living next. But this was a good apartment and it was home.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Never Going Back
So last night at dinner, Sam was telling a story that I hadn't heard before, and I was kind of shocked that I didn't know this story. And he looked at me with a kind-of pained expression and goes, "That happened the summer you weren't talking to any of us."
To clarify, he only phrased it that way because that's always the way I phrase it. He wasn't trying to be mean or vindictive. But that's the second story of something BIG that happened two years ago that I only found out about recently. Because when those stories were actually happening, I only talked to my boyfriend.
So much of that relationship was unhealthy, but this part continues to hurt the most. That because of our relationship, I never spoke to the majority of my friends.
It wasn't okay and I don't ever want to go back to that sort of relationship.
To clarify, he only phrased it that way because that's always the way I phrase it. He wasn't trying to be mean or vindictive. But that's the second story of something BIG that happened two years ago that I only found out about recently. Because when those stories were actually happening, I only talked to my boyfriend.
So much of that relationship was unhealthy, but this part continues to hurt the most. That because of our relationship, I never spoke to the majority of my friends.
It wasn't okay and I don't ever want to go back to that sort of relationship.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
I have a weird relationship with exhaustion. I was sitting here, preparing to write a high and mighty post about how I never use exhaustion as an excuse not to do something, and then I realized that was wrong.
I should have been applying for jobs for at least a month before now, but I used the excuse that I was exhausted. I could have been packing last night and I should pack tomorrow and Thursday, but I know I will say that I'm exhausted and I need a rest.
I prioritize everything, and I just now realized that very specific things are a priority above my level of tiredness. And I'm okay with that, I'm okay with my priorities, but I need to at least own up to that instead of generalizing and giving myself more credit than I deserve.
What I mean to say is, I've never let being exhausted or burnt out prevent me from completing my responsibilities. Even that isn't quite true, but it's what I'm going with right now.
I wish I could explain this exhaustion though. Because it's not physical even a little bit, although it does lead to more physical tiredness. This is a completely mental exhaustion and I don't know how to fix it.
What I do know is that I'm exhausted and I still wrote over forty pages in the last two weeks. Pretty damn proud of myself.
I should have been applying for jobs for at least a month before now, but I used the excuse that I was exhausted. I could have been packing last night and I should pack tomorrow and Thursday, but I know I will say that I'm exhausted and I need a rest.
I prioritize everything, and I just now realized that very specific things are a priority above my level of tiredness. And I'm okay with that, I'm okay with my priorities, but I need to at least own up to that instead of generalizing and giving myself more credit than I deserve.
What I mean to say is, I've never let being exhausted or burnt out prevent me from completing my responsibilities. Even that isn't quite true, but it's what I'm going with right now.
I wish I could explain this exhaustion though. Because it's not physical even a little bit, although it does lead to more physical tiredness. This is a completely mental exhaustion and I don't know how to fix it.
What I do know is that I'm exhausted and I still wrote over forty pages in the last two weeks. Pretty damn proud of myself.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Love Them.
To the boy who promised to roadtrip with me to Utah anytime I wanted, the boy who exchanged best friend stories with me, and to the girl who stayed by my side the whole damn night-- thank you.
It means more than you know.
It means more than you know.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Writing this Down because the Last 36 Hours have been Crazy
Yesterday: Broke my lease. Went to work. Went to one class, then left for mini-road trip.
Yesterday, 10:00 p.m.: Leave basketball game to go home (three hour drive). Sleep not even a little bit. Sam's shoulder is not in advantageous spot for sleeping.
Today, 1:00 a.m.: Get back to boys' place, collectively decide to stay there. I decide I'll get up with Sam to go to work so he can take me to my car.
3:00 a.m.: Wake up with Sam, get driven to car. Snowing like mad. Drive to MY home, stay awake through grace of God.
4:00 a.m.: Get home and am immediately wide awake. Browse internet for nearly an hour. Decide that sleep is probably a good thing, as have a million things to do today.
8:00 a.m.: Alarm number one goes off. Hit snooze, decide to sleep for another hour.
9:00 a.m.: Drag myself out of bed. Comb hair, decide that's enough for personal care today. Finish filling out new apartment application, go to apartment office to get forms filled out.
10:00 a.m.: Meet up with new roommate. Tour potential apartments, turn in applications, decide on apartment, and put deposit on the one we like the best. Set an actual move-in date, contingent on our credit check coming back approved. All within the span of an hour.
11:00 a.m.: Get to work. Decide to never have such a crazy 36 hours ever again. Realize that must go to class and do work on multiple essays, all on four hours of sleep. Once again resolve to make better life choices.
The snow is beautiful today and is adding a gorgeous background to my chaotic life.
Yesterday, 10:00 p.m.: Leave basketball game to go home (three hour drive). Sleep not even a little bit. Sam's shoulder is not in advantageous spot for sleeping.
Today, 1:00 a.m.: Get back to boys' place, collectively decide to stay there. I decide I'll get up with Sam to go to work so he can take me to my car.
3:00 a.m.: Wake up with Sam, get driven to car. Snowing like mad. Drive to MY home, stay awake through grace of God.
4:00 a.m.: Get home and am immediately wide awake. Browse internet for nearly an hour. Decide that sleep is probably a good thing, as have a million things to do today.
8:00 a.m.: Alarm number one goes off. Hit snooze, decide to sleep for another hour.
9:00 a.m.: Drag myself out of bed. Comb hair, decide that's enough for personal care today. Finish filling out new apartment application, go to apartment office to get forms filled out.
10:00 a.m.: Meet up with new roommate. Tour potential apartments, turn in applications, decide on apartment, and put deposit on the one we like the best. Set an actual move-in date, contingent on our credit check coming back approved. All within the span of an hour.
11:00 a.m.: Get to work. Decide to never have such a crazy 36 hours ever again. Realize that must go to class and do work on multiple essays, all on four hours of sleep. Once again resolve to make better life choices.
The snow is beautiful today and is adding a gorgeous background to my chaotic life.
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