I sat on my kitchen floor and smiled on the phone with you. I didn't know just how badly I wanted to hear your voice today until I actually heard it.

And I thought, "Oh I didn't know if this would last and I don't know if this will last, but god...

it's lasting."

I should have stayed with you last night and I'm sorry I didn't. I'm sorry. I thought that maybe the frustration of being kept awake by me would have overpowered the knowledge that you weren't alone. 

Remind me someday soon to write a REAL graduation announcement on here.

For the record, the most important thing I did this weekend was drag the boy up to the mountains with me.

It was a rough start, he was grouchy about it, hurt my feelings, and then I was grouchy. We yelled at each other the whole car ride as we are wont to do.

But then we got up there and I just stared out across the valleys that contain our home. He bounded up behind me and gleefully stated, "Let's go watch a sunset!" and so we did. I sat on a wall and leaned back against his chest and we just kind of took in the moment of being up there.

I feel so much solitude when I'm on a mountaintop like that. I told him that it felt still. It does to me and I can never quite explain it.

And then we did a bit of hiking and opened up beers and just talked. About the serious stuff. Stuff that I know he has a hard time explaining when we're not so above the hustle and bustle of the city. He was just so much more open, it was kind of unbelievable.

On our way home, he told me the real stuff. Things I had a vague idea of but that had never really been vocalized. It was scary and hard and I'm so glad it happened.

But also I needed to get up there. I wanted to be away from everything and just be. Our mountains are perfect for that. It was cold and windy and my ears hurt like hell and it was so gorgeous. Moments like that are so worth it.

Trying to remember that feeling to carry me through the week.

Conflicted.

Do you know how much I hate that we don't talk anymore? The fact that we literally haven't said a word to each other in months drives me crazy. We don't acknowledge holidays, birthdays, or even just those random bits that we liked together.

We. Don't. Talk.

And I hate it. And I hate that it bothers me. Because why would I want to talk to you? I wouldn't know what to say to you. 

How about, that girl you thought was a phase isn't one. And she treats me better from 1300 miles away than you ever did from within the same city. How about, I know I wasn't the person you thought I was and I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry you aren't proud of where I'm going with my life. I'm proud and that's all that matters. How about, I really like my life these days. That the last two years have been tumultuous and eventful and better than I ever expected. I love the people in my life, I love how I look in my life, and I love how I'm never able to see the changes coming. My life is better and good. 

How about, I'm really worried that the same can't be said for you. That you're making the same mistakes over and over and you still don't know where you're going. How about, I know that isn't my place to say that. But I wish it was my place to tell you that I miss you, flaws and all.

I miss our friendship. Despite the disintegration of our relationship, how badly we *both* treated each other, how angry I know we both are at each other, I miss you and our conversations and our jokes and I'm sad that a person I met when I was 13 will not speak to me. 

She says we will, someday, can I tell you that? She thinks we'll get coffee sometime and be able to go over everything. I'm not so sure. 

I know you and I know that every time you think of me and think of picking up the phone to just say hello, you get distracted by something. And then you forget. So no, I don't expect to hear from you. Ever. And if there does come a day when you remember enough to text me, I expect I'll be long gone. I think it will happen when I'm in an entirely different state and I think that when I tell you that, you will be shocked to know that I moved without you knowing. 

But that's what happens when two people don't talk. I know it's for the best and I know it's okay. But I do miss you. 

My actual birthday is going to be spent without my family and without the two most important women in my life. 

That's okay though. I need to do this birthday on my own. I need to prove that I can.

Not to mention that I won't be on my own. Not really. 

But yeah. Those girls won't be here and that sucks. 

It's okay. Really.