I've been thinking a lot lately about heartbreak and this crazy concept that maybe we don't get over things as easily as we think we do. And along with that I've been watching a lot of Vlogbrothers videos and the amazing books written by John Green. I was given An Abundance of Katherines at a time of great (melodramatic) heartbreak and it changed my world. I've since recommended his books to almost everyone I know and everytime I come across someone who's read his books I get a little bit too excited to discuss him.
I love his writing because I think, at its heart, it is truly honest. I love reading The Fault in Our Stars and knowing that I will never be Hazel Grace or Augustus Waters, but I will experience dozens of little infinities. I love the idea of creating an infinity with someone and I love (begrudgingly) that it is okay for that infinity to end. I love reading Looking for Alaska and knowing that my actions matter, just as Pudge's do. I don't have an Alaska, but I do have people that I wanted to be with so desperately, only to have the circumstances keep me from them. And I love An Abundance of Katherines with a unique fondness reserved for a book that allows me to indulge myself in the melodrama of wallowing over a breakup.
I re-read his works because of the lines that stick out with me, the lines that change my life forever. I read a quote from The Fault in Our Stars to my darling Oregon Girl last night and there was silence for a brief moment after I finished.
"That was beautiful," she said.
And it is.
I read for the comfort of knowing that I'm not alone, for knowing that other people have struggled and lost and triumphed and that I am not alone. And there is something about all of Green's books that speaks to me on a deeply personal level. It's almost obsessive how much I adore them but what it really gets down to is this: His characters show me the way.
They show me how to enjoy what small infinities I have and how to take personal responsibility for my actions, no matter how benign they seem. And his words come into my head when I am grasping at some way to express my feelings.
This is such a strange time right now, for so many reasons. But I know that when I get home, I'm going to turn on my Kindle and read The Fault in Our Stars. And I will cry and sob from the depths of my chest and I will be comforted in knowing that I am not alone.
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