I Look at You and I See Nothing but Love in your Eyes

Yes, maybe this is the way things should be. 

You know, sometimes even if a person is practically perfect for you in every way, if he doesn't want you, that's it. That should be the end of that. Wanting you versus not wanting you makes all the difference in the world. And that's really what it comes down to, even if you SHOULD be together, even if you would be PERFECT together... desire to be with you is most important.


This is the biggest realization I've had about my love life in awhile. I'm not going to chase after someone who won't chase after me. 

You were so Important to Me, Once

Oh, my beautiful, beloved
Memory
You're finally getting back to where you belong.

I was able to fool myself
Believe you
had a place in my future
But no longer.

You told me yourself.
We had no possibility
No chance of being together.

And now I believe you.

But don't be sad
My long lost sweet
This is how it should be.
My memories is where you should stay.

Let's act like it.

My Mule

When I think about
The way you look at me
The words you say to me
The things you do for me

I think that we can do this.

When I think about
The changes you're making for me
The support you give me
The person you are

I know that you are who I should be with.

When I think about
My "perfect" man
Who I want to be with
Versus who I should be with

I think that you might be the right person.

When I think about
The person that I should be with
The person who will love me
not best but Most

I know that person is you.

A Reflection

This semester, so much more than the past two, has been a changing one. And I love the way my life is coming together. I've met so many new people this semester, whom I adore. I have a balance in my activities and my schoolwork.

That being said, this has probably been the toughest semester since I've been in school. So much has happened to me and to my friends. God only knows how we managed to get through this. But we did. I am so very proud of us.

With a week and a half left until I go home for a glorious month, I'm struck by how much has changed in the past six months. Some things, I wish had stayed the same. But on a whole, I'm much happier this year than I was last year. And even if things are hard now, at least I have a solid support system. My roommates, my best friends, my activities, and classes... I need to remember more often how blessed I am.

I'm happy to see this semester end and see how the next six months treat me.

I'm so Afraid

I am not used to dealing with all these terrifying thoughts and not being able to get rid of them. I literally have no idea what to do with myself. I don't even know how this happened or what started it. But it's here now and I can't get rid of it. 


Somebody tell me what to do because I can't even handle myself anymore. 

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!

I am thankful for...

• Netflix. And Doctor Who being on Netflix.
• Plenty of money in my bank account, plenty of money in my parents' bank account.
• Delicious stuffing.
• Best friends. All of you.
• My fuzzy blankets.
• The puppy I get to see tomorrow and get to live with eventually.
• Experiences that make me stronger. Believing that, in the past year, I've grown more than I have in the previous three.
• My relationship with my family members, especially the newfound closeness between my mother and me.
• Bellinis. 
• Books. Good books, bad books, all books.
• And everything else I can't think of.

I hope you all had a fabulous day and that your family didn't drive you too crazy! Love and gratitude. 

Stream of Consciousness

Sometimes it is hard to remember that this is my reality this here is my reality going home is like a dream lapse pause and then I remember that my reality my world is not there that I have somewhere else to be that now includes my best friend and even though I've only seen her for fifteen minutes we've called each other four times already and it catches me offguard that I can call her whenever I can how long has it been since I've been able to do that? There is a blog that I will never show you it appalls me in the way it lauds infidelity and we know too much of that already now it's time to just be ourselves together again. And now I'm going home to sleep in a big bed call her too much and hug my squirmy beautiful brother and eat too much even though I shouldn't but Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday in which I formally acknowledge how lucky and blessed I am I am the 1% but let's not bring politics into this I'm feeling too optimistic about the days and nights and meals and laughter to come.

I have so much to be thankful for.

Note: This is most likely terrible and I really generally despise stream of consciousness. But I felt like writing this today, so I'm sorry that you had to read it. 

11/21/11

My heart is lighter now. 

Dear Readers

I've just discovered all the new things you can do on Blogger! Thus the drastic change in appearance. But if you feel it's too crowded and confusing, please let me know. This is a work in progress.

Let's just hold on and forget for a minute.


Okay? 

There is so much to look forward to.

I read more than almost anyone I know. I don't always read classics, I don't always read good books, but I read an exhaustible amount of words on a daily basis.

I am absurdly proud of this fact. My reading has defined me for as long as I can remember.

It is still so hard to believe
that in one week
Everything will change. 


Everything will be different. 


I've been waiting for something
For so very long 
It's finally almost here.


I can hardly believe it. 

You

Being with you is like
My favorite song playing
Taking a deep breath, smiling,
And knowing
That it is a good moment.
Being with you is like that moment.

Looking at you is like
Looking into a bright blue ocean
Finding solace in the sea
And wanting to dive in.
Looking at you is like diving in.

Sitting next to you is like
Falling into bed after a long day
Other places I could go, other things I could be doing
But I couldn't imagine being anywhere else.
Sitting next to you is like belonging.

Being with you
Looking at you
Sitting next to you

You are like love.

Home is wherever I'm with you. 

And I wait and I wait and I wait. I hope something comes of this, I really do.


If not, oh well. Most of my crushes fizzle out fairly quickly. I get bored easily. 


But let's see, yeah? 

Rain Fairy

Letting the rain fall down
Washing the world away

Pitter pat
on the sidewalk, windows, face.

Rejuvinating my tired soul
Lightening illuminating
my mind.

Returning to my roots
Trying to connect with the stormy weather
Finding peace
In every drop.

Falling Down

I miss you more in the fall
Said once to me
That fall is always filled with memories for you

A haze of remembrance.
And now I understand.

The misty clouds and falling leaves
of memories
Distracting from the scenery.

Noticing nothing but
My inward seasons.

Can't seem to
Pull out of the undercurrent
of distressing emotions

Cloudy days match my cloudy thoughts.

My best friend might actually be the best of the best friends. I feel sorry for everyone because nothing their friends do can ever come close to the things she does for me. 


Beautiful Antelope, we know each other better than almost anyone. We live 13,000 miles away and we can still complete each others' sentences, think the same thoughts, and support each other.


I would be a wreck without you. 


I cannot wait for everything that is to come. Thank you for your friendship, best friend. 

It's getting easier, I think. I don't cry all the time like I used to. The loneliness is becoming bearable.

I'm still having a hard time taking it day by day, though. I just run the upcoming weeks and their events over and over in my head. I think it's because I worry like hell about being anti-social or sitting in my room night after night. It comforts me to know that I actually do have SOME plans in the next few weeks.

The worst part of my day is waking up. I feel so empty when I wake up. Sleeping is such blessed ignorance but then I wake up, realize that I don't have anyone special to text, no one who makes my heart flutter to talk to. No one to lean into.


It is getting easier. But it's still hard.

The Three People I want to Talk to the Most which just Shows how Dysfunctional I Am

1. Antelope. Who lives 13,000 miles away.
2. Mule. The ex-boyfriend. Who we all know I need distance from, even if we can make this friend thing work.
3. Spider. Roommate of the ex-boyfriend who I'm unnaturally infatuated with. Also he's an asshole. 

Yep. I have problems. 

Really I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep and wake up to find my life changed.

I know what I want. I always know what I want. The problem is nine times out of ten what I want isn't what is best for me.

But I'm a selfish, spoiled, silly little child who is constantly determined to get what she wants, no matter how it all ends out.

Maybe talking to you on the phone for an hour and a half at 4:30 in the morning wasn't the best idea. Probably not.


I can't seem to regret anything I do with you though. At least now I have some idea of why we did what we did that night. At least now I can remember what it's like to hear your voice and talk to someone who I connect with on every possible level. 


I will miss you forever. 

Remember that Time I Sat on the Rocks and Listened to the Waves Crash around Me and Felt the Sun on my Face?

And how I chose to keep that memory only for me and that devious Spider? How I actively sought to keep it from the boy I should have been sharing things with?

That is more telling than anything else.

Spider might not be (is not) right for me. We might not (should not) ever be together. But the fact that I shared infinite moments with him instead of Mule means something.

It means something that there was always a limit to what I told my Mule.

I need to search for something real again. Say what you will about what a terrible person Spider is (he really is) but he and I were real. 


It's time to look for that again. Time for real.

I can replace one love with another. I heard once (and I'm actually fairly certain Shakespeare said this) that the only way to cure heartbreak is to love more. Love elsewhere.


The difference will be that I'm replacing a false love with a genuine one. I was not in love with the boy whom I no longer have. I am perpetually in love with reading. 


Reading comes more naturally to me than breathing.


The ache is bearable when I'm focused on words on a page. 

Breakups suck.

No matter how long you were dating, no matter how serious the relationship was, breakups suck. Always.

Dreams

I am not used to so many
Bad dreams
Leaves me unsettled
Miserable.

Night after night
Dreaming things I can't forget
When I wake.

I even manage to sometimes get exactly what I want
In my dreams
Which makes the waking hours even more
Upsetting and unsettling.

Dreams
Seeping into my conscious
Tainting the brightness of the Day.

I Think

To some extent we're all cripplingly in love with someone from our past. 

Do you Think I Post too much about Band Back Together?

I don't. Truly, out of all the blogs I follow, they are the best in terms of amazing internet support.

Currently, they are hosting an auction to raise funds to apply for federal non-profit status. I'm checking out the amazing swag as we speak. Please, donate, bid, contribute, and/or support.

You won't be sorry. In their words, all are welcome.

http://auction.bandbacktogether.com/

Fresh Fall

Roommate friends
Late night laughter
Drunken debacles
Silly wonderful adventures
And beautiful, ecstatic anticipation.

Leaving behind
Late night tears
Devastating revelations
Tense fights
And frustrating circumstances.

Never has leaving behind summer felt so good.

"Say goodbye to the people we don't know."

Remember that time I had rice with melted cheese for dinner? Remember that time I also had a tortilla because I clearly don't love carbs enough? Remember that time I also planned on eating funnel cake later that evening? 


And I'm trying to lose weight.


Winner! 

There are so many things I want to teach my daughter, if I ever have one. 

We Will Overcome. We Must Overcome.

I'm blogging over at Band Back Together today, friends, along with dozens of others who are sharing their memory of this day ten years ago. Let's get through today together.

Links to my post will come soon.

Join the Band

According to The Twitter and other various blogs I follow, today is the one year anniversary of the launching of Band Back Together, an amazing group blog created by Aunt Becky of Mommy Wants Vodka.

This deserves recognition, and I’d like to give my own little plug for The Band, because no one deserves it more than them.

If you are hurting… Join the Band. If you want to share your story, no matter how mundane you think it is… Join the Band. If you want to connect with amazing, supportive people… Join the Band. If you need support or want to give it… Join the Band.

Out of all the Internet communities I’ve discovered, The Band is the best one. They love and support unconditionally, even to someone like me who is nowhere near as hurting as a lot of their contributors. The stories make me want to cry. I’m a huge fan of sites like Postsecret, where you can share yourself (please, no sexual puns) anonymously. Sites like these are freeing, and when run right, allow people the release they sometimes need (again, no sexual pun intended). The Band takes that a step further. Not only can you share your story, anonymously if you want to, but The Band will give you all the help you want, along with plenty of resources to get you through whatever it is you’re going through.

I strongly encourage you to check them out. You won’t be sorry.

And Happy Birthday, Band! Sending you love and sugary cupcakes.

And now you are nineteen.

Dear Moe,

Happy Birthday, lovely lady! I hope you see this. Your present is on its way.

Moby-girl it was a lucky lucky day for me when we met in that drama class. Even though our first impressions of each other were not very good, I couldn’t have asked for a better friend over the past seven years.

You are funny, smart, and loyal. I’ll never forget sophomore year, when all that stupid crap was going down, how you stood by me. You never let yourself get caught up in things like that and I’ve always admired you for it. Going though high school, I couldn’t have asked for a better partner through all those APs. No one was a better role model than you.

You, out of all of us, are off at a fantastic school making a name for yourself, which is exactly what you deserve. You’ve worked so hard to accomplish what you want and you deserve every benefit that has (and will) come your way.

But enjoy this last year of teenagerdom! Live it up, laugh lots, and always know that we’re here for you, even when we’re thousands of miles away.

I’m lucky you’re my friend. Happy happy birthday.

I miss you always and I love you very much,

Your Lady Brett Ashley

And now you are three.

Dear Baby Brother,

When I found out that Mom was having yet another baby, I cried. I didn't want our house to be turned upside down again. I was 16 and selfish.

When you were born, Mom had a bad reaction to the meds they gave her. I, the first person to see you after Mom and Dad, walked in to see my mother shaking violently on the bed, unable to say hello to me. Dad shoved you in my arms. I looked from you to my mother, and I didn't know what to think. Sweet boy, you were not a cute newborn. Sorry baby, you just weren't.

But, God has the best sense of humor. Because you turned out to be one of the greatest people in my life. I regret every single minute I wasted dreading your arrival. I can't imagine what the last three years would have been like without you.

You are sweet and funny. The summer before I went off to college, when I'd babysit you, you'd go play but every few minutes you'd run back to me just to give me a kiss before running off to play again. We hold hands in the car and we put our hands on top of each others' when we pray. You sit in my lap when we watch movies.

The joyous boy turns three.

Your smile and laugh is infectious. You can definitely be a brat sometimes, but it's hard to get too mad at you when you're so hilarious. Every time you grabbed your sister's hair with the most serene look on your face, it took all my strength not to laugh. Or that time when Dad told you "See you later, alligator!" and you screamed back, "I am NOT AN ALLIGATOR!" You are the funniest in our family.

One of my biggest regrets is that I went to college when you were so young. Because before I left, you and I were each others' favorite people and now that I'm gone you're used to my absence. That devastates me. But every time you run to hug me when I come home reinforces how special our connection still is. And I will always be your big sister, always there when you need me.

You are the sunshine of my life, sweetest boy. I love you forever.

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday, Shabby Poetry!

A year ago today, I started this blog. And what a year it's been...

I definitely don't post here as often as I did this time last year, and I'm sorry. But I still adore this cyberspace of mine, where I can verbalize my creative thoughts. I post here whenever the mood strikes me and I want to keep it that way. I love that Shabby Poetry is something that I love and that I feel no obligation towards. I post here because it is (at the risk of sounding cliche) a safe space and because I want to be there. This is My space. And I'm so very glad I created it, one year ago today.

Thank you for reading. I can't tell you how much it means to me.

I'd also like to take this moment and talk about the world of blogging and bloggers that Shabby Poetry has opened up to me. I can still follow the web path that took me from my best friend's blog to other blogs that I know read faithfully. I'm so grateful for the community I've found through blogging. It is loving, welcoming, and accepting. And my world is a little bit brighter, one year later, because of those dear writers I've found here on the internet.

So happy birthday to my dear, shabby, little internet space. I'm lucky you're mine. And thank you to my wonderful readers and thank you to the big wide internet blogging community.

Yeah, I actually think it's hilarious when the girl who definitely went further than first base in front of several people at a party judges people at another party for smoking up. I left because it had been a rough day and I wasn't in the mood to party at all. You left because you were disgusted with their behavior, which, again, is hilarious considering that you've kind of whored yourself out more than once at previous parties.


You know what they say about people in glass houses...

A Conversation with Sister Wife

Me: "I HATE HIM A LOT"

Sister Wife: "Haha, except not at all :P"

Me: "Except not at all :(" 

My Spider

I keep replaying memories of you through my head. I remember the first night you kissed me. I remember lying in bed while you played with my hand. And I remember vividly, over a year ago, how you held me for a few seconds backstage when all I wanted to do was cry.

I can't say I'm in love with you. I've never been given the chance to fall in love with you. But it's a distinct possibility that it's in my future. You are not good for me. Everyone can agree on that.

But that doesn't change how I feel about you, my beautiful, sinister boy.

Let's give this a shot. Please.

All I keep thinking about is that horrible show, when you looked me in the eyes and pulled me in for the most comforting hug I've ever felt. You didn't ask my permission. I wasn't expecting it. You just wrapped your arms around me and wouldn't let go. And then the moment was over and we both walked away, but you'll never know how much better I felt after that.  


I can't seem to walk away from you ever, though. And that scares me. 


Horrified. Terrified. Scared of what we might be for each other and if this actually is different from anything I've ever experienced before. 


I can't walk away. 

Compromise

I got a new blog, but I'm keeping this one too! I want Shabby Poetry to get back to just that-- poetry, with a little bit of prose mixed in. New blog will be personal stories, rants, and thoughts. 

The Catch
I'm not a fan of giving this new address to everyone. I want to know who's following me. So please, if you would like to follow me to my new blog, comment on this post with your email and I will email you the URL address. 

I'm so glad that I get to stay here with you all, and I would be very happy to have you follow me to my second Internet home.  

Quotes

I do love quotes after all. 

I wrote this for a friend of mine from school. She has a wonderful appreciation for art and all forms of beauty, and I used to cover pages with quotes I liked when I was bored in school. I'm a little bit more proud of this than I should be, but I thought it was lovely and wanted to share it with you all. I've read some wonderful books and poems lately, and I would highly recommend checking out any author (or artist) I took these quotes from. 

"I see it! I see the picture you painted with your words!" ~J

This is why I love her so much. 

I Think...Part Two

I might stay. That's my gut feeling right now.

Thank you all for putting up with me.

Don't test me. Darling, this is nothing. You don't want to see me attack. 

I Think...

I might move this blog. I'm sorry. I might not be strong enough.

I'm thinking of changing to WordPress, mainly for the option of password protecting certain posts. It's come to my attention that certain people, to whom I've made perfectly clear that I do not want in my life at all, are looking at this blog regularly.

Understandable. This is, in fact, a blog on the internet. And the internet is free! Available to anyone who comes across it. And perhaps it's also my fault for discussing subjects of a delicate nature, even as anonymously as I possibly can. My justification for that is this: It's a part of my life. This blog has always been about me (hooray narcissism!) and things that affect me, and so it's natural that I discuss people and things that sometimes upset me. I've never revealed names.

However, justification is just that: trying to excuse behavior. Maybe my behavior doesn't need it, but maybe it does. There you have it. But, dear readers, I'm not sure I can do this anymore. I am not exaggerating when I say that it frightens me that certain people choose to read this blog. It feels invasive and it creeps me out. I'm guilty of the same behavior. But I don't write posts in reaction to other posts written on other blogs. I don't add the same features as other blogs within days of them changing layouts.

I'm sorry. This is only my side, and it naturally has a bias. But I'm scared, and I don't deserve to feel this way.

A very large part of me wants to be obstinate, and stay just where I am. I love this blog. I love the name, I love how I started it, and I love what I've done here. But I know that I can't prevent certain people from reading this. So the only other option I have is to take action myself, and change blogs.

I'm still weighing sides. I'll let you all know soon what I decide to do.

But since YOU are reading this and I know... Please stop. I deserve to write what I want. I deserve to feel angry or sad or whatever the hell I want, and I deserve to write about those feelings without provoking cowardly response. And I deserve to be left alone. I haven't done anything to you, ever. You yourself don't deny what you've done to me. Please just let it be.

And to you, my dear readers in the US, Australia, Malaysia, and even Latvia (Latvia! Someone in Latvia has read my blog!), I'm sorry. I'm sorry for this bullshit (because that's all this is. Utter bullshit.) and I'm sorry that I might leave you.

I will let you know.

An Adventure!

Hola! I’m Glenna! And this is my friend Jacinta. She and I are best friends. And this is our dog, Vertigo. Do you want to be our friend, too? You can only be our friend if you promise you won’t pretend to be our friend, stab us in the back, and say that you still love us! You won’t? Okay! But if you do, you will be muerte a nosotros.

Jacinta and I are going on an adventure tonight. We want to have the most fun possible tonight. We need to get somewhere so that we can get drunk. Who do we ask when we have somewhere to go? Yeah, Map!

“If there’s a place you gotta go, I’m the one you need to know I’m the Map! Hola! Glenna and Jacinta want to end their night with getting drunk. How can they get there? I know! First they have to go to the Cave of Dancers. Then they have to go to the Golden Arches. And after that, they will reach the Shiny Toaster of Alcohol! So tell Glenna and Jacinta they go to Cave of Dancers, Golden Arches, Shiny Toaster of Alcohol! Cave of Dancers, Golden Arches, Shiny Toaster of Alcohol!”

What did Map say? Cave of Dancers, Golden Arches, Shiny Toaster of Alcohol! Okay! Where do we go first? Cave of Dancers, yeah? But we’ll have to watch out for the Evil Rhymes-with-Witch. She lives in the Cave of Dancers and hurts everyone she can. We’ll have to defeat her.

Come on vamanos, everybody let’s go! Come let’s get to it, I know that we can do it! Where are we going? *clap clap clap* Cave of Dancers! What are we doing? *clap clap clap* Defeating Evil Rhymes-with-Witch!

We’re at the Cave of Dancers! Mira! The Evil Rhymes-with-Witch! Look at Vertigo bite and bite and bite! He hates that Evil Rhymes-with-Witch. She makes Vertigo very angry. We’ve almost defeated the Evil Rhymes-with-Witch. Jacinta slapped the Evil Rhymes-with-Witch with her SUPER SEXY AWESOME SLAP. Yay! We defeated the Evil Rhymes-with-Witch.

Where do we go next? Yeah! The Golden Arches.

Come on vamanos, everybody let’s go! Come on let’s get to it, I know that we can do it! Where are we going? *clap clap clap* Golden Arches! What are we doing *clap clap clap* Getting yummy food!

We reached the Golden Arches! Now we need to decide what to eat. Should we get the healthy Fruit Parfait? No!! Should we get the Fish Filet Sandwich? Nah, that sounds yucky. What about the Quarter Pounder? Yeah! And let’s get lots of papas fritas. Son muy delicioso!

We defeated the Evil Rhymes-with-Witch, we got yummy food at the Golden Arches, so where do we go now? Yeah! The Shiny Toaster of Alcohol!

Come on vamanos, everybody let’s go! Come on let’s get to it, I know that we can do it! Where are we going? *clap clap clap* Shiny Toaster of Alcohol! What are we doing? *clap clap clap* Being happy!

Hooray! We reached the Shiny Toaster of Alcohol! Now we can have lots of fun. Look at all the delicious drinks we can have. Let’s try all of them!

Thanks for helping Jacinta and me have our adventure. Lo hicimos, we did it!

This is really going to happen, kiddos. 


Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and all similarities between characters and people, living or dead, are purely coincidental. 

I (Don't) Mind

I don't mind getting drunk texts from you.
I don't mind being called twice in the middle of the night.
I don't mind writing letters to you.

I mind returning calls and texts and being ignored.
I mind no response to anything. 
I mind feeling guilty about wanting to talk to you.

The Desire to Blog

Thinking of something witty to say and not
Coming up with anything.

All I have is the desire
to write
but no substance.

Something You All Should Know

I miss this dog. I miss his cuddles and his (disobedient) barks and all of his adorable mannerisms. I miss spending time with him and his mummy. It isn't fair that Evil Stepmummy is so far away. But never fear, Mr. Squiggles. I'll see you and your (smoking hot) mummy soon. But know that I miss you so very much.

I get to live with these two someday. Aren't I lucky? 

Telluride is fun even when you have The Mono. 


On the other hand, The Mono is ick. 

Why I Love Harry Potter

I originally was not a fan. I couldn’t get past the first chapter. And so I let it be, lifting my nose up to all the other “silly” children who read books that I considered dull. But then… My father read it to my brother, and I started listening in. I was hooked. I “borrowed” the copy and read it through to the end by myself. I remember sheepishly admitting to my father how much I enjoyed it.

From that moment on, Harry was a beloved part of my life. By the time I read Sorcerer’s Stone, Chamber of Secrets, Prisoner of Azkaban, and Goblet of Fire were all already out, and I was gifted them at different times. I consumed each novel in less than a week. Not only was I a fast reader to begin with, but I loved them. I needed to know what happened next, I needed to hear what Harry had to do, what Dumbledore needed to tell us. My desire to know the happenings of the wizarding world was unyielding.

I was eleven when Order of The Phoenix came out. That book was an escape from a miserable summer. I was leaving my home I loved and moving 3,000 miles away. Harry was there, on the long car ride and when I reached my lonely new home.

I got both Half Blood Prince and Deathly Hallows at midnight releases. When we got our copies of Deathly Hallows, my best friend and I sobbed and my younger cousin asked, “Why are you crying?” I answered, “Because he’s been such a big part of our life. Harry Potter is our childhood. We don’t want it to end, but we need to finish his story.”

I love Harry Potter because we grew up together. I watched him mature through eyes that were growing up as well. I loved the characters, the stories, and especially the little details you catch when you re-read the books. As an English major, I could spout to you all the literary merits of the text. But I won’t because Harry is more than that. To his fans, he means something different to every one of us. But he and his universe are a beautiful escape, an immersing world, and a fascinating story.

I love Harry Potter because Harry is noble, Ron is funny, and Hermione is clever, but they are all flawed. Each character is real. They cry and sin, rejoice and love, and they grow. They grew as I grew, and I loved being able to take that journey with them.

I love Harry Potter for a thousand reasons I’ll never be able to put into words. All I can say is that if you’re a fan, you understand. And if you’re not, you’re missing out.

I remember reading Chamber of Secrets while at the Kennedy Center, bored of Handel’s Messiah. I remember reading Half Blood Prince while sitting in the back of my grandfather’s pick up truck because I had to finish. I remember finishing Sorcerer’s Stone for the first time and smiling to myself because I had enjoyed it so much against my will.

So thank you, Harry. Thank you for letting me into your world. Thank you for showing my best friend and countless others how to love reading. Thank you for being such a wonderful part of my childhood, and thank you for the role I know you will play in my future.

For, as Dumbledore so aptly put it, “I shall never truly be gone unless none here are loyal to me.”

I will always be loyal.

Guess what's coming...

You excited? 

Let's Move On

Time to move on, readers. Let's focus on enjoying the rest of the summer as much as possible. Dammit, we deserve to.

To help us heal:

bandbacktogether.com

Amazing group blog. A safe place to share and there are resources for numerous health issues. We are not alone. Let's join The Band.

Written Thoughts

There is something so magical
about actually writing
letters
and whispering secrets into paper

I don't think either of us realizes the affect it's having
On you and me.

I want you home.
I want you to be mine.

But that can't happen
So I content myself with scribbling
Niceties and arbitrary thoughts
Thinking all of the things I wish I could say.

Honestly, if I was out there right now (or rather if we lived in the same place) I think I would just move in with you for the time being.

It's not an overstatement to say that my heart aches to be with you. It's killing me being so far away. 

Please, please, get through this. I don't know what else to do, but ask me anything and I will say yes.

Ironic that in the middle of a movie set in Paris, the one person I always wanted to (and still want to) see Paris with texted me. Out of the blue. 

New Site Features

Dear readers of mine, this morning I added some aesthetic and networking features to my blog. I hope you check them out!

• If you click in the box where my new fishies live, it sprinkles food. The fish follow your mouse around.
• Follow me on The Twitter! I'm not terribly interesting, but I try to be funny.
• At the bottom there is a list of blogs on Blogger that I follow. All of them are well worth taking a look at.
• And I have a stats counter, because I love knowing that you all are out there.

Enjoy! And thank you so much for reading. 

I reflected last night that I choose very strong people as my best friends. The first time I ever saw Tiffany cry was six months ago and we've been best friends for over four years. So when something hurts one of my closest friends, it terrifies me. I almost never see them in tatters and knowing that something has happened to rip her to shreds devastates me and horrifies me.

I feel so many emotions over what has happened this past week. And I don't even know if I'm justified in feeling them. Objectively, I wasn't as affected by this as Jacinta or Cathy. But I cannot help but feel overwhelmingly upset.

I feel betrayed. And cheated. I trusted him so much. He was my big brother. He was my protector and the protector of so many others. Before this week, if someone had asked me to choose someone who I thought was a genuinely good guy, it would have been him. No question about it. He is sick, hurting, and afraid, but I never questioned his heart. But now... if he isn't a good guy, who is? Who can I trust? Who can anyone trust?

I still pray. I need to believe he can recover. I need to hope that somewhere, my big brother, who told my hurtful ex-boyfriend to go fuck himself destroying their friendship in the process, still exists. But right now I can't look him in the face. In his betrayal, he made me question what I knew was true.

But more than feeling betrayed or angry or scared, I'm worried. Above all I want to scream and throw things in defense of my Jacinta. How could they do this for her? Didn't they know how much this would hurt her? What is she supposed to do now?

And I'm not there with her. She needs me, and I'm 13,000 miles away. She can't call me in the morning when she wakes up wanting to go back to sleep forever. I can't go over to her house on the nights when she feels alone in the world. We can't get drunk together and try to forget just so that we can have an hour of silly happiness.

Even as I write this, tears are filling my eyes because we should be together. We need to be together, dammit. I can't let her go through this alone.

And in the midst of my pain and anguish I would like to say this. Fuck the people who did this. Fuck you for hurting the people who cared about you the most. Fuck you for not having the balls to take responsibility for what you did. Fuck you for being the epitome of selfish. And fuck all the forces that are keeping me away from my best friend.

I am angry, hurt, and scared. But I'm not alone. And I will never leave her side, not matter how metaphorical that side may be. All the forces are pushing against her, but you better believe that she will come out of this stronger than ever, while I march along beside her for as long as she wants me there.

You will not defeat her. You will not defeat us.

This Ain't a Love Song

Here's to all the boys
Who pretend to be good
Who shut their eyes and ignore the consequences
Who know the hurt they can cause

Here's to the boys
Who fool everyone
Who break the hearts of their friends as well as their lovers
Who pretend to put the needs of others before their own desires

I believed in you
She believed in you
We all believed in you.

And more than anything
We wanted to help.
We were there to help. 

But you threw that in our faces and
I know you feel remorse and regret now...

 It's not enough.

You cannot take back your betrayal.

I would like to say this

How dare you call yourself Catholic if you say that we, as a country, need to eradicate the Islam world. It's even worse that you refuse to acknowledge that they are a real religion. They have the same roots as Christianity. Additionally, saying that Islam has a predisposition for tolerating evil and violence is wrong. Like all Abrahamic religions, Islam advocates peace.

Ignorance, and determined ignorance, is the worst evil in our world today. When you refuse to look at the roots or facts and only search for articles with a clear bias, you are ignorant. Calling Islam a "religion" is ignorant. Islam is as much a religion as Catholicism.

I started getting vaguely indignant about myself and saying "I'm a woman, dammit!" But then I realized that I'm not. I'm still very much a girl. And I like it that way.

I'm terrified of growing old.

I have not abandoned you!

I swear. I actually had a thought to post today, but I can't remember it now. I'll get back to you on this.

I just had a thought

I may never forgive you for how you treated me last year, but I also may never forget how unendingly sweet you were to me while I was drunk.

When I needed you to hold me and stroke my hair, you weren't there. But when I didn't even ask... there you were.

Contemplating

The after effects of drinking
May outweigh drunken benefits

I sat down last night
And drank glass after glass of wine
Plus some vodka

I was fizzy and happy and silly
And would not stop talking
Truth or dare had no consequences

Until I saw the fear on my best friend's face
And my stomach was not as accepting and loving as I was.

Lying awake listening to your heart pound

Sorry for the lack of posting

I have been busy
Thinking and crying
Missing and yearning
And overall ignoring the important things in life.

Next to you

I love

Sitting next to you

And laughing secrets

While everyone else stares and wonders

I remember that night

When you looked me straight in the face

And said the most glorious statement to make me laugh

The only person who can make me laugh when I have red eyes

Perched next to you

Sighing how much we love each other

You are in so much pain

And I don’t know how to help you

But I will try. Try so hard.

I love you.

I am next to you.

I am tired

Of dealing with shit that happened two years ago. I OWE HER NOTHING. Get that? NOTHING. She stole from me. She stole my first love and now whines and complains because I won't forgive her. I don't want to forgive her nor do I have to. She wasn't a part of my life until she decided to take my love and after that, there is no way I will ever want her in it. No amount of writing me letters, writing to my friends, or subtly commenting on things I have commented on will change that.

I don't care anymore if this is all paranoia. She shouldn't "really want me to pray for her sick mother." She shouldn't take my profile picture, print it out, and send it to me. She shouldn't call one of my closest friends and ask to stay with him when she's in Albuquerque. It feels wrong. And I don't deserve to feel this way.

I'm also tired of worrying that she'll steal my closest friends. You told me that there was no doubt I was still your maid of honor. Please let that still be true. You have no idea how important you are to me, and to be honest you didn't seem the slightest bit sad when we said goodbye for five months. I cried the whole way home because I'll miss you so much. Are you mad at me? What is wrong? I feel so deeply that something's wrong and I don't know why. Please talk to me. I can't not talk to you.

What she doesn't know? At one point I saw myself "reconciling" with her. But she crossed a line.

And to my maid of honor? I need you. I need your honest response.

Actual poem

Red wine
Chocolate liquor
Collapsing into your lap
Pretending I wasn't tipsy
Looking into your eyes
And knowing
I will always fall for you
I will always fall for lies.

Merry Christmas.
My silent phone
Reminds me
Of how wrong last night was.

I'm tired of the web.
Merry Christmas Spider.

Revelation

Sitting at my desk at work I realized that he makes me feel like I've lost my breath. After getting a particularly lovely text from him, I always had to remind myself to breath again.

And maybe that's what being in love is like? But I don't think so. I always hated not breathing. I'm a decent swimmer, but I'll never be very good at it because I'm so afraid of being without air. Drowning or suffocation are the ways I pray to God I will never die. Honestly (just in case you haven't gotten it yet), not being able to breathe is one of my worst fears.

All you romantics out there will tell me, "Let go of your fears! Accept that he takes your breath away! That's what being in love is all about."

But that's not healthy. Constantly being without oxygen harms your brain. He isn't good for me, and the fact that he makes me forget to breathe just proves that.

My Favorite Things of 2010

1. Topper Revue. Thanks for showing me how much I can accomplish, you guys. Also, Olions flirting at its finest.
2. College acceptances. 
3. CHWC. So much better than the year before, and I texted a hot boy the whole trip.
4. Summer. All of it. Even though I spent so many sleepless nights wondering what his problem was, it was worth it. One of the lovliest summers I've ever had.
5. Every late night.
6. Meeting my rain fairy. Even if we clash and I don't know how long we'll be friends.
7. Being introduced to Dexter.
8. Mexico for Christmas 2009, Mexico for graduation.
9. Prom.
10. Graduation. Mostly for the presents. I'm shallow, I know.
11. Going to college and having so many realizations. Knowing that I may not love my new life yet but I do enjoy it and it's more than bearable and that's more than enough for me.
12. My best friend coming home. I spent the whole year missing her.

I probably forgot a million things, but that's okay. They happened and that's what matters.