To All of My Readers that I Know in Real Life...

I love you present tense. Thanks for putting up with me and my numerous imperfections. You are all so very important to me. 

More New Features

Hey there Internet friends.

New blog, new features! I've decided that I'm going to start thinking about "Monthly Merits." Every month I'm going to choose something that I think I need to improve upon and try to work on it. I'll post one post a month on it and they will be archived on a new page that is on the top, under the header. I'll also post at the end of the month as to how well I accomplished my new merit.

If you have any suggestions for interesting self-improvements or ideas I should try, let me know! And if you want to do the same, choose something new every month to work on, tell me about it! Let's continue being awesome together.

And without further ado, I present to you the first Monthly Merit.

Bask in the Public Eye. 
Hi there world! Even though I'm at a new site, I can still be found. There are ways around blocks, invisible things can always be found, and if someone is persistent enough, I am here. Visible. I need to be okay with this. This does not mean that the behavior of some people is okay. It just means that I need to accept that I can't, at this point, change anyone but myself. So I will accept my own visibility and ignore it of others.


I will...

1. Let go. Before letting the behavior of others (also publicly) upset me, I will take a deep breath.
2. I will allow myself to be upset. But only for short amounts of time. I will wallow and move on.
3. Embrace privacy. Some things are private, even if I don't think they should be. Time to accept that.
4. Talk about me! It's time for this blog to get back to its focus: me and the people I think are important.

Do you have advice for me? Merits of your own? The same problem? Let me know in the comments section.

I Hope Some of You are Still Here

Hey you guys. Sorry for no notice on the whole "changing urls" thing.

My privacy has been being compromised for a very long time. We'll leave it at that.

I am so very sad to have left my old URL. The title is still the same here, but it feels different. It is different.

But I'm here. You're here. Let's hope the ghosts of our pasts don't follow us.

Time to make new memories. Time to think in present tense.

(You see what I did there?)

Something Else

I am so so excited for Best Friend to come see me next semester. I loved visiting her in her temporary home and I can't wait to play hostess. There are so many things to show her!


Although, I will not have a super adorable dog to introduce her to. That will be the most sad. 

A Promise

I will never lie
I will never condone
I will never accept.

I will never coddle
I will never justify
I will never hold back.

I will be honest
I will be moral
I will clarify.

I will see clearly
I will hear honestly
I will speak truthfully.

Prey

Followed  at every twist and turn
Whispers behind
No escape.

A sudden drop of the stomach
Eyes unbelieving
With every step forward
A frantic fervent twisting back
To try to see who might be there.

Nothing can be done
Nowhere to hide
No defense
This is not the circle of life
Not a natural hunt.

Haunted by a ghost
You can't fight smoke spirits wind
But you can feel it

Unwarranted
Arbitrary
Unrelenting

Trapped.

Sick to My Stomach

Sometimes, things sicken me. 


I feel so violated. 

It's Too Late to Post

Really?


After six fucking months, that's what you're going to say to me? 

Guess what I just Realized, you Guys

In a little bit over four (!) months, I will be at the...
BEACH.


And I will get to stay there for a little bit over four (!) months.


I can walk barefoot on the beach for 120 days in a row if I want to. 


Sand will be EVERYWHERE.


I will be able to scream at seagulls to GET AWAY FROM MY FOOD, YOU MONSTERS.


I get to show Best Friend and Boyfriend my home!!


I feel so giddy inside.


I'm going home, you guys. I get to go home!

You are so Beautiful... to Me

Reminds me of somebody that I used to know... for the times I need to remember. I did not write/produce this. From here.  Produced & performed by TAL, Ira Glass, and Russell Banks.


...


" 'No," she said firmly. "You're ashamed of being seen with me. You'll sleep with me, all right, but you won't go out in public with me.' "


...


" 'You think I'm just so much meat, and all you've got to do is call up the butcher shop and cancel your order. Well, now you're going to find out different. You can't cancel your order. I'm not meat. I'm not one of your pretty little girlfriends who come running when you want them and go away when you get tired of them. I'm different. I got nothing to lose, Ron. Nothing. So you're stuck with me, Ron.' "


source 

One of those Moments that Needs to Happen

I say a lot of things a lot of the time.

I don't care.

It doesn't matter.

You're right, I'm totally going to do that.

Saying is believing, right?

Wrong.

But tonight, I am declaring myself done. I'm sick of being jealous for petty, superficial reasons. I'm tired of caring about situations that don't deserve the time of day. It's over. I am pulling myself out.

But it may matter, but it shouldn't. I refuse to let absurd, infectious, poisoning things affect me like this anymore. They aren't worth it.

But you know what is worth it? My life right now. It deserves my focus and attention. That's what I'm going to concentrate on.

I can't promise that I'll stop caring. But I can promise that my future, my friends, and my family will now be my first priority both in reality and in my mind.

Yes, yes you overwhelm me sometimes and in all the right ways
how I can't even look at you without feeling overwhelmed
and things are not always perfect
but things are always right. 

And now I am twenty.

Dear me,

Is it weird that I'm writing a letter to myself? Oh, well. I'm going for it.

Birthdays always kind of freak me out, at least in terms of my own. I LOVE getting presents, but when all that focus and pressure is on me, it makes me anxious. So I was insistent on getting a low key birthday this year. As long as presents were involved. Presents are non-negotiable.

It was a good birthday. Making Doctor Who-themed drinks with my very best friends, having dinner with all the people I love the most, seeing my family, and having things planned with Boyfriend. Low key in all the right ways. Happy birthday to me!

Low key is good. Especially after this last year. This year, the last year of my teenagedom, was vaguely focused on the idea of growing up. I had to get my life together. I took a serious, big step in the direction of choosing a career, put myself in a healthy relationship that has the potential for a future, and I tried to focus on the things and people that I want to focus on for the rest of my life.

College is strange. Who knows what they want to at nineteen? I certainly didn't. Or don't. And so I took a leap and went in the direction of something that I instinctively felt good about. I made the right call. Whenever I tell someone, at least someone who matters, what my major is, the response is always the same. "Did you really think you belonged anywhere else?" I don't.

I also don't know where my current relationship is headed, but I know that it's headed somewhere. I love finally feeling as though I am with the right person at the right time. He makes me happy, he makes me laugh, and he makes me work harder to be a better person. I can't say what our future holds but I love that there is the possibility of a future.

I am so lucky to have this brilliant, quirky, loving group of friends assembled from both high school and college. Sometimes I roll my eyes at the fact that my best friends now were my best friends in high school, but really? I am so lucky to have had them for so long! And the people I've met since being in college are so wonderful. They are unique and hilarious and I can't imagine my world without them. That's not to say I haven't lost friends this year. It sucks in a sense, but sometimes ties have to be cut. People may not think those ties are being cut for the right reasons, but I know that my reasons are good ones. Sometimes, it's best just to move on. And my family... Oh, my amazingly imperfect family. I don't have the words to describe how much they mean to me. This past year has truly shown me their importance and how much I value every single member of my family. I am so blessed by the people in my life.

So do I know what this next year will hold? I certainly didn't expect anything that happened last year. But with all these incredible things and people in my life, I'm content to sit back and enjoy the journey, feeling like I'll be pleasantly surprised as to where I end up. I am right where I should be and that feeling is the best present I could ask for as I head into my twenties.

Happy birthday to me!