Home.

Sometimes, a lot of the times, I feel incredibly lost. That my life isn't going where I want it to go, that I'm not spending my life with the people I want to be spending it with. And that makes me feel so worthless. There's a lot behind that, a lot of different factors, but yeah. Worthless.

It's really hard to feel like that.

It all came out last night, in a lot of ways that I'm not proud of. As is typical.

But when I left and he walked me to my car, he took my face into his hands and told me more nice things than I can remember.

"You are so cherished and so loved by so many people. You are an illuminating force," among other things.

"You are such a constant in my life," I responded.

"You feel like home to me."

He does. He feels like home.

I just don't know what to do with that.

He feels like home, but I feel like empty and that should probably be addressed.

I found a full-time, salaried position just a month after I graduated. Goddamn. I can't even say how proud I am of myself. Forreal.

I know that luck has played a huge role in this. My entire working career is based off of one job my mother got me when I was fifteen. My current job I got because of a Facebook friend. I am exceptionally lucky.

But still.

I don't want to sell myself short on this. Two years ago, I started considering taking a year off after I graduated. It's been the plan since then, in the abstract. I'm really happy and proud that I'm able to make it work, in whatever form.

I know that this job means I'll be staying in my current location and I'm not thrilled about that. But From the minute I got the call asking for an interview for this position, I've just had a sense that this is what I'm supposed to do. Who knows if I should trust this, but for right now, despite the bittersweetness of leaving my current job and not leaving my state, I'm confident that this is the right choice.

And I'm really fucking proud.

She's a West Coast wildflower and I'm an East Coast rose, but God, just think of the garden we could make together.