2014 in Retrospect

Man, I thought *this* was going to be my year. I was wrong. Not going to lie, this year was ROUGH. A lot of great things, but a lot of it was just HARD. 2015, I’m ready for you.

This should've been published almost exactly a year ago. Sorry! Also, retrospect changes everything. Where I sit now, I LOVED the second half of 2014. Time is funny like that. 

January- began with a not-so-great NYE. I cried a lot. Finally confronted a lot of not okay things and that was hard. Living with C was the best though. Family dinners became a thing. But I told K about me and S and things were awful. Didn’t talk for a week. Decided to try to be friends, if we weren’t telling each other the big stuff. I got a job and was thrilled that I could shop again.

February- for me centers around Valentine’s day, which began well but ended poorly. K and I had a lot of intense conversations that indicated that we couldn’t be just friends. C and J fought a lot. Family dinners continued, and I was increasingly frustrated with S for treating me differently. But family dinners were the best thing. Coming home to people, people I LOVED, made all the difference in the world. MarioKart also made the most fun. Cried more. LOVED my job. Loved the freedom it brought me and its easiness. I got in trouble with J and C for being alone so much of the time and recognized how okay I was with that solitude.

March- Was alone a lot as well, but it was okay. Senioritis hit full swing. I spent my Fridays loafing around the house and it was glorious. Celebrated Best Friend’s birthday with RISK and it was a hilarious success. Went on a spring break vacation with Best Friend and it was the BEST THING EVER. Had a great trip that, unfortunately, didn’t rejuvenate either of us. Started freaking out about plans post-graduation.

April- Began with my birthday on which I received a beautiful gift from K and cried. Cried more when I read the letter that went with it—a beautiful, confusing letter. That girl Loves. Me. Looking back on this year it looks so back and forth between her and me, but it didn’t feel like that at the time. It felt like we lost our way and found it again. April was us finding the way again. April was finals and work and being tired. So tired.

May- centered around graduation, which was brilliant. The day was spent with my family and Best Friend. S and the cousins and I went out for a spectacular night out. Went to CA with the Bears. In the moment, it was a pretty stressful trip, but in retrospect, I’m really glad we went. Really glad we had that experience together. Looked for a new job, got interviews, but nothing was really turning up. C was gone all the time, basically for the whole summer. S and I fought a lot, but he went away for two weeks and when he came back, we were a thousand percent better. Spent so much time with the Bears, spent one night having dinner and then swimming until late. One of my favorite memories.

June- got a kitty! The glorious Alaska came into my life. If all I got out of 2014 was her, it’d be worth it. She is a charming, spastic, cuddly furball and my life is so much cozier because of her. Spent a lot of my time with S and Alaska. Had four day weekends so I was adventuring a lot. More interviews. Interviewed at my current job and from the minute I got the phone call asking for an interview, I knew this was where I was going to be for the next year, for better or worse. The boys moved 5 minutes away from us and I was at their house more than my own. K started summer school and we barely talked, but, unlike last year, handled it really well.

July- tried to go see K before my new job started. Wasn’t able to. Cried. Also cried when I actually got my job, since it meant 2014 wouldn’t be the year I got to be with K. Not being able to move to her was a hard pill to swallow. Had a glorious day hiking with Best Friend and Vertigo. Escaped to the lake one day with V and danced the night away. Had a lot of very intense days with S—driving home the day I decided not to go visit K, the day hike. He and I saw each other practically every day, which I have mixed feelings about. We’d talked about going on a trip and it didn’t happen, which was huge and disappointing in too many ways. Started my new job, nervously.

August- C and J broke up and between that and the kids starting school (I work at a high school), this month was a stressful nightmare. J was exhaustingly needy and so was the job. Began to feel like I was never being heard by the Bears, which was ridiculously awful. The learning curve at work killed me. The light at the end of the tunnel was my buying tickets to visit K in September. Huge for us. Went to see Nickel Creek with Best Friend and ended up having the best time.

September- began with visiting K and it being as close to perfect as possible. She and I fell back into place like nothing had ever been wrong, which was shocking. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel when I saw her—and then I felt nothing but love and that was huge. We had a conversation about “where we were going” which was meaningful and positive and honest. Came home horribly sad, but handled it so much better this year. For better or worse though, I handled it on my own—the Bears didn’t seem to get it, which was rough. S also told me he was moving, which was big. I think this was the month that I fell in love with my students—when I came home from Oregon and I loved being back with the kids. Which is huge to me. I hate my actual job requirements, but these kids. They make it worth it.

October- had a gloriously slow fall break. Went on a delightful day trip with V. Did a boudoir shoot and wasn’t happy with my body but decided to just be. Spent as much time out of my house as possible, which was really hard. Ran out of my house one night with no shoes on, just to get away. C and J were together 24/7, which was the hardest—she started being a bad friend and I couldn’t handle it. But that hardest night, K repeated over and over to me, “I love you. Things will be okay. I love you. Things will be okay.” Took the GRE and was happy to be done with that. Halloween came and went and I decided I officially hated house parties. Halloween though was the night it finally hit that Alaska was *my* cat—she came to me when I called her despite being loved on by tons of people and it kind of stuck with me that the girl is mine all mine.

November- felt better. Was around the Bears almost zero percent of the time, which helped significantly. Busy busy busy. Saw L and her baby as much as I could. Spent time with new friend R. Handled my attraction to him appropriately, which is a HUGE step in maturity. Man, that boy is cute. But his life is crazy and I don’t want a part of it. Shopped a TON. Actually, shopped nearly every weekend from July to November and felt almost no guilt over it. Handled the workload okay. Had a lovely, albeit short, Thanksgiving Break. Spent an evening doing nothing with Best Friend and it was the best. I think this was the month that I officially took a step back from drinking—for the past several months, whenever I was drunk, I cried. For no real reason. And that’s no fun. So it’s all about the balance now. Spent the last weekend with S and cried enormously. This year was not good for us, but that doesn’t erase his place and importance in my life. K and I committed to seeing each other for NYE—and bought tickets. Realizing that I wouldn’t go another whole year before seeing her was an exceptional gift.

December-- Waited and waited for Winter Break. Fell in love with my students times a million. Snow danced. Started texting L everyday-- which was perfect. Christmas shopping was chaotic. Worried about money. Applied for my first grad school, worked on applications for others. Things with C became more and more cracked. I can't even tell you what things with K were like. Only that we met up for New Years and that trip was hard in hard ways and good in good ways and I left feeling uncertain but determined to move forward. Spent NYE in this little country bar in the middle of nowhere and every minute was perfect. Felt ready for the CHANGES I was sure 2015 was going to bring.