So many thoughts buzzing in my head and so many things that I should write.

But the sleeping pill is kicking in. 

My God has always done so well in showing me that I'm not alone. And I'm struggling to trust that He will do the same for my brother, who deserves that reassurance so much more than I do. 

My God is a loving God, and I know He will walk beside my brother. 

I am Not Lonely

So, in typical collegiate fashion, my friends and I celebrated my return to the big city by drinking too much last night. And at one point in the evening, in between eating pizza and reading aloud some of our favorite passages from my books, the conversation came up as to how different single and in-relationship lives are.

"Being single just means that we're lonely," one of my friends said. "We're lonely, a lot of the time."

My in-relationship friend confessed that she was lonely a lot, even though she had a boyfriend. And while they went back and forth, I pondered.

"The truth is, I'm not lonely," I remarked, slurring my words only a little bit. "I like my life. I like the people in my life, I like what I do... and yeah, there are moments of loneliness, but not often. I'm really happy where I'm at."

My single friend stared at me like he couldn't believe what I was saying.

And now, the day after, I think back to that conversation and its honesty.

I am not lonely.

I am single. But not alone, and definitely not lonely. I have friends whom I adore and who keep me laughing and entertained. I have classes and interests that keep me busy and fulfilled. And 90% of the time I have a sense of inner peace that I'm exactly where I should be right now.

My life isn't perfect by any means and obviously I'd be delighted if I found someone with whom I could have a meaningful relationship with. But not having that doesn't detract from my life or my happiness. The person that I do love is far away, and while that saddens me, her absence does not define my state of being.

I am me. I am filled with vibrancy and laughter, long car rides and glasses of wine. Puppy squiggles, inside jokes, and family dinners. Pretty dresses and enchanting books, music being played too loudly and all my friends piling into my bed to confess secrets.

I am not lonely.

Sometimes Nostalgic

Flipping through old photos on Facebook late at night and remembering some old adventures. But since I've effectively, for better or worse, through actions of my own choosing, through circumstances out of my control, but currently not really speaking to either of you I will throw these thoughts out into the divide.

I miss our adventures, Mule and Rain Fairy. So so much. I miss our laughter and our pictures and our sheer joy at being alive. Thank you for all the good times. 

I think of them fondly.