Things on my mind tonight

1. I loved the dress I wore tonight. I wish I had a boy to go to dances with.
2. I better be stumbling over myself when the clock strikes midnight on New Years Eve. Otherwise, I will be very disappointed.
3. I have the best friends ever. I love that present.
4. If JL and I live together, we should take a sushi making class. That would be fun. And yummy. Really yummy.
5. Soy sauce... yummmmm.
6. I cried over you for 5 minutes. You deserved that and not a second more.
7. I should take off my makeup. That requires leaving the bubble of warmth. I'm going to watch a movie instead.

Vacation Texts

I want to get on a plane with you and go somewhere far away and never come back and make a beautiful life with you. 

But that might just be the drinks in me and the infatuation talking.

"Flawless," you said.
I didn't believe you.
I still don't.
You don't keep flawless girls a secret.

Oh my dear
I wish your vicious little illusion of us was true.

C-c-c-Combo Breaker!
Morning breath is the worst.

Slug

While beeping alarms fail to rouse you
The vibrate of your phone will.

While you're too sick to go to classes
You're not sick enough to miss partying at the house.

While you sob over the treatment you recieve from boys
You do not hesitate to sleep with a taken man.

While I have to remain silent and accomodating
You will take my keys without any shame.

While you are aghast and shocked as to why your actions have finally recieved punishment
I look at you everyday and think
"I am so glad I'm not you."

I may be a judger
But I could never be as reprehensible as you.

People in Russia, Germany, Malaysia, and Brazil have viewed my blog. What???

Spider

The conversations--
all two of them--
we've had this week
are stilted
awkward
yearning.

We want to tell each other more.
We don't know how
We can’t remember.

Instead of jumping into the canyon
I’m building a wall against it.
But I’m still throwing strands of my hair
down.

I still don’t understand your motives
if you even have any.

Sylvia Plath would be so disappointed in me.

Lucky

Lucky
That the little boy
Who was unexpected
And unwanted
Is the biggest blessing.

Lucky
For the way he yells to talk to me
For seeing him run to me
For the hugs and kisses he gives without being asked.

Lucky
To love him
And be loved by him.

Lucky
To never worry when I'm not with him
But to want to see him all the time.

Lucky
To have the most precious sibling.

About the boy with dreadlocks, but to the girl with green eyeshadow

I realized last night
That I love too deeply.
For me
Love is a cliff
And I throw myself into the abyss
Without even peering over the edge.

Please come home to me.
No one understands my flaws like you do.
No one patiently untangles my words
From my tears
Like you do.

2:48 in the morning

I hate
that a one word text message from you
can immediately send me
into a tailspin.

Hey.

I was ready for move on
I was forgetting about you
I was okay never talking to you again

But that message
and my response
proves that you still have power over me

And I hate you for that.

Upon examining my fingernails

Bitten plum
Is mostly sophisticated
With a dash of
Reckless and dangerous
Which very nearly
Describes the wearer.

Did you know that I adore Sylvia Plath with all my heart?

…And because you’re eighteen, because you’re still vulnerable, because you still don’t have faith in yourself, you talk a little fliply, a little too wisely, just to cover up so you won’t be accused of sentimentality or emotionalism or feminine tactics, you cover up, so you can still laugh at yourself while there’s still time. ~Sylvia Plath

An Ode to My Pink Fuzzy Blanket

You of the pink fuzz
Thrown around my shoulders
Tossed at the bottom of my bed
Ever loyal
Ever warm
Ever pink.

You. Yeah, you.

Just when I thought you were gone
You had to go and drag me back into the
pathetic tumble
that is your life.

To you
Enough.
I don't understand the fascination.
Secretly, it makes me burn with satisfaction
that you have this obsession.
But my life was a better place
before you waltzed into it
And after I cast you out.

You have no right to pity
From me.

November

It astounds me
How excited I am
To go home and be loved by her
Again.

We make this long distance relationship work
I promise you
But it's not the same.

I only have to survive two more weeks
Get through two more weeks of school-chaos
And then I can focus on the holidays
And glorious celebration.

He made order out of disorder for me.
Isn't that sweet?

R

I hardly ever think of you anymore.
I see the pictures of your new girlfriend and smile instead of weep.
I still want you
To lust over me.

Thus the reason why I'm going to work out before Winter Break.

Dear Roommate

I am tired of...
Your sense of entitlement
Your lack of empathy
Your lifestyle (forgive me for not being politically correct)
Your voice.

I don't care if...
He isn't leaving his girlfriend (were you really that surprised?)
Your grandfather won't pay for your vacation (shouldn't you get a job and pay for school?)
Your mother was mean to you (all mothers are mean at one point or another)
You move out.

I am being...
Mean
Judgmental
Hostile

But really...
I don't care.
At all.

Just fucking give me my Rocky Horror Picture dvd back.

In case anyone was unclear

In 27 days my world will be complete again.

You may think I'm obsessing, but I know she is thinking about it just as much as I am.

Because we are one.

I guess I should try to write a happy poem for once

Let me tell you

that I have created more memories

in the past two months

than I had in the previous six.

Anticipation

Knowing the memories still to come

makes me giddy

jumpy

tense

with excitement

I have experienced quiet moments

that were poetry itself.

I was involved in loud chaotic hours

that were too busy for poetry.

The smiles have outnumbered

the tears

by far.

Rousseau

Force is a physical power.
That struck me.
Force can move both
literal and metaphorical
mountains.

Might does not make right.
But that doesn't matter as much
As who has the might.
They may not be right
But they have the control.
The world is in their tender grip.
It's perfectly fine to sit and dream and write
of right and wrong and power and oppression
But didn't you ever look up from your vellum legend
And see that it doesn't matter?

Might makes force
And force is a physical power
That loses no strength based on right or wrong.

I MISS HONDURAS

I miss the children that always made me smile

even though I couldn't understand a word they said.

I miss fea bonita

I miss Julie

And Jesus

I miss knowing my purpose

Knowing who I was

Knowing how to be happy.

The children who made me smile

never stopped smiling

even though they've seen horrors

experienced horrors

my cultured mind cannot comprehend.

I miss understanding everything

when I understood nothing at all.

"This song is so sad I want to cry."

"Don't cry."

"I feel like crying."

"Then I'll cry with you."

"No, you won't."

"Yes I will."

Why do you make my heart melt?

"I kissed your cheekbone."

...

"So did I."

Looking at the black trails dried down my cheek, I wonder what made me so upset and why I can't remember 30 minutes later. Isn't the world a lovely and awful place?

The Stillness of One: Incomplete

Crunching through the leaves
under an emerald green hat my eyes are wide
As I gaze into the stormy mist.
I am the mist and the mist is me.

Padding lightly past the rows
Settling softly into a niche
hoarding my discovered treasures
the silence is Not deafening.
I am in the silence and the silence is in me.

A Thought

And even when I expect disappointment, I am still disappointed. That's why I need to learn independence.

But then in the quietest moments, I am content.

The sweet passion of one-ness

I need to learn

to stand on my own two feet

feel the sweet passion of one-ness

smile at the glories I do have

instead of basing my happiness

off the opinions of a select, imperfect few

the success of specific events

the exact comments I yearn to hear.

It is so hard to grasp that idea

but if I cannot stand alone

cannot steady myself

then I will fall again and again

with no relief.

Windy "park"

We sat under that tree and I smiled when I felt your arms enclose mine. Feeling your head buried in my back was a heart-calming moment.

A Monologue: Quotes

Maybe I’ll just write quotes for the rest of my life. Yeah, that’s a thought. I will make my living writing quotes and people will quote me all the time and when they do, the people listening will say

"Hey! That’s pretty smart/cute/funny/poignant! What else did she write?"

And the person who quoted my magnificent self will say "Nothing!

She just wrote quotes."

It’s not a bad idea, you know. Quotes are a noble part of the written language. Being quoted is an honor for any writer. It’ll be the best of both worlds: I’ll have the name recognition of being quoted, and the people to whom I am being quoted can be intrigued yet don’t have to go through the tedious process of reading my longer works.

They will not have to read a word I write.

Which is, again, a plus. I won’t have to waste my precious time actually writing pages, and they won’t have to waste their precious time reading pages. We will all save time.

Time is money, you know. And by not writing novels, I’ll make more money because I’ll spend more time writing quotes. Dozens and dozens and hundreds of quotes that I will throw out into the universe for the impatient public to consume.

They don’t have time to read anything I would write. The public does not want to pore through pages of an author trying to convey meaning. Quotes, by their very nature of being quoted, are nothing but meaning. Why should I take time trying to find meaning when I can create a thousand different importances in a thousand different quotes?

So yes, I think writing quotes would be a noble and efficient profession.

I will just write quotes. Because no one wants to waste time reading anything longer than that and I don’t want to waste time writing anything no one wants to read.

Sunday is a day for secrets

postsecret.com

Everything about it is poetry.

Stars

I seem to stargaze with an inordinate amount of people

Maybe that's where I derive my power from

Maybe instead of being a rain fairy

I am a star fairy.

I just wish they weren't so beautiful

That they didn't create such beautiful moments with nearly anyone.

I cannot remember a time that I regret

The stealthy walk out of my house

Into the company of a questionable person.

Perhaps I am a star fairy

With my subjects above rather than below me.

I really like you, but I'm trying not to.

This is a post

I am too tired to write today
I spent the afternoon scribbling in an elegant scrawl
Polite niceities and my daily events and addresses
All of the while reveling in the
Mundane beauty of
Conversation
And sun-heated windows.

Sunday

Today is a day of skinny jeans, glasses, and cardigans
I refuse to be unhappy today
Even though there are remnants of angels fading from my hand

Peach jelly beans are second best
Especially when consumed with muted laughter and sighs

Our 4 am/ 12 pm conversation saved me as much as it did you
Please know how much I still consider you the person to whom I tell every sordid minute detail
Of my silly mundane life.
But how could you not know?
We proclaim that fact to the uninterested public every day.
Love, love love.

Happy birthday sweetness.
I hope the day provided you with nothing but happiness.

What a sublime mess of emotions.

Past and Present

Sitting in my room

Thinking about the pretty little girl I’ve become

“Delicate” I’m told

And how the lady with green eyes I see when I look in the mirror

Is completely unrecognizable

From the pretty little child I used to be

She wouldn’t recognize the girl in the mirror either

Wondering what to make of this

Was it my past self that was disillusioned?

Simply the naïve insipid dreams of a child?

Or is my present self wrong?

Should I strive to be the person I thought I was going to be?

But the problem is

I can’t remember who I was meant to become

I can’t remember what my seven year old self

Saw in her future

All I know

Is that this

Me

I

Am not it.

Tranquility

Sitting on a bench
With my head on your shoulder
Was the best part of my yesterday.

Nearly midnight

I cannot sleep. My head is filled with the angst I used to disdain.

Forest fire

More wood keeps getting added to

What began as a flickering spark

But what is now a searing bonfire

That threatens to consume the forest around us.

But like every flame

It quivers and wavers

Falters with doubt.

There is nothing solid about fire

And when everything is burned down

When the fire burns itself up

What’s left?

What happens to the consumed when the fire dies out?  

I did not write this

But it explains how perfectly I feel about a certain someone that I had to share.

There’s one thing I want to say, so I’ll be brave

You were what I wanted

I gave what I gave

I’m not sorry I met you

I’m not sorry it’s over

I’m not sorry there’s nothing to save

For every high there is a low

I am not ready for this weekend to end. I hate feeling alone. These are the thoughts running through my head right now:
1. I really wish she would call me. Why are things so off between us?
2. Why does he act that way?
3. I want to tell you everything.
4. I miss her so so much. She needs to get on Skype so I can hear her lovely voice and see her pretty face.

If I am a hummingbird, will you be a hummingbird with me?

Rain Fairies

Walking through the rain

Barefoot

Under a blue umbrella

given to me by a stranger

Drops splattering down our arms

Backs

Legs

We oohed at the tranquil tension of the storm

We laughed at the people around us

Who were frantic

While we were

Elated.

Splashing through life today

Made us alive

Connected us

To forces we love to embrace.

Purple Sky

“Oh, yeah,” she responded when I pointed out how beautiful the sky was

And I immediately thought of you

How if you had been with me

You would have exclaimed at its beauty

And we would have sighed

Taken a silent moment

To appreciate the inexhaustible beauty

Of everyday life.

You are the most beautiful person I know

For loving life with every fiber of your being

And now I hate spending time with anyone but you

Because I love feeling the vibrancy of life every second.

Viewing the world through your eyes

Makes me

Happier

Than I’ve been in a long time.

I might

Stay in bed all day. That seems to be the best idea I've had since I've woken up.

Last Week

Last week

At this time

I was going to a museum

With people I didn't know

And now

One of those people

Is quickly becoming a very good friend.

Please don't think I am creepy, K

Or far too obsessive

I am just in desperate need of a new friend

To whom I can spill every word

Of my tulmultuous mind

And you fit the bill perfectly.

And P.S.

You are lovely even when you think you're not

And I enjoyed hearing your confessions

From your tulmultuous mind.

This is beautiful and true

I wish you were always the boy you were in my bed whispering warm secrets in my ear.

My life

The little lines I come up with throughout the day are either exceptionally poignant or terribly dull, I can't tell.

Photos are poetry too, right?

I want to go to Cairo.

I am mesmerized by this image.

Fluttering Hummingbird

I am a hummingbird

And I long to move onto a new garden

This one is ever so slightly

Barely noticeably

Wilting.

My instincts tell me

These flowers will soon have no use for me

The dazzling colors are beginning

To clash with my own jewel tones.

I hope to soon find

Flowers of colors

That better compliment mine.

The chaos of my mind

I am a being of conflicted feelings today


Ying and yang

I want to cry

I want to laugh and scream

I want to sleep

I want to stay awake forever and never lose consciousness

Resolution is impossible

My empty self cannot be filled

The aching emptiness is what causes this confliction

Because what I want

What I really want

The most

More than anything

Is to be out of my head!

I can’t be here anymore.

Just leave me alone.

Just stay with me forever.

Anything for me to stop thinking.

Ugh

This weekend was ridiculous. Tulmultuous. But uneventful. Most of the chaos took place inside my head.

My big secret

Even though I appear to be the most decisive person on the planet, even though I hate being wishy-washy, even though I despise people who are indecisive... I am one of those people. The recurring phrase in my life is "I don't know."

This is not about who you think it is

Even though I'm getting tired of whatever it is we're doing together, it still hurts when I don't hear from you.

 I don't know what to think.

Out of sorts

I can't do anything right today

I'm mean or nice to the wrong people

And they in turn make me tremendously angry

I despise everyone

I say the wrong things

And no one says the right things to me

So I am going to lie here alone

And attempt to heal

My mouth

My mind

My soul.

I hope you're not insulted

Bah. I'm bored of this. I'm not sure whether we'll get past that block.

Anticipation is both the best and worst feeling in the world
Knowing something will happen
But I am impatient.
So impatient.

Today is not a good day

I think I talked myself into believing I am lonely.

I am not an exception

We are the apathetic youth

We are the ones who see the problems

And yet

Don't do anything

Won't do anything

To bring about change.

Laziness and procrastination are our plagues

Our parents and grandparents threw rocks

Back in the day

But we can't even muster the energy to pick up pebbles

Instead

We get angry

And turn even more into ourselves and our egotistical worlds

Focus more on the people focusing on us

We flout our opinions but refuse to follow through

When action is suggested, we shrink back

We will not volunteer.

We are self-aware subjects who will not take a stand

And when the world ends

We will be the ones proclaiming "I told you so!"

Never realizing our own hypocrisy.

This weekend

Home was exactly the same as I forgot.

Sparkling

That was a lovely night

We didn't need the stars

Because we had the glowing, shining storefronts

And more than that

We had ourselves

Our laughter lingered brightly above us

Our prancing created sparks where we stepped

And maybe I'm reading too much into it

Giving that night too much significance

But isn't that what this is all about?

Caring too much?

Feeling too much?

I'd rather feel too much than too little.

And so the memory of that lovely night

Still sparkles brightly in my mind.

Hahahahaha

I win.
We're terrible at being friends.

My thoughts today

Is it really Thursday? Every week here seems twice as long. But I cannot remember where my time went.

I want to go home! Today is already off to a bad start.

This is new

You’re really sweet


But I don’t know if you’re just being nice

Or if you’re actually interested in me.

I really hope you are

Because you’re cute

And funny

And our conversations make me happy

I just want to wrap my arms around your waist

And smile as you lean down and

Kiss me.

I haven’t felt this way in a long time.

So I really hope you’re interested

I want to continue to smile when I think of you.

J

You are pretty


And cute

And just like me

Missing you is like missing myself

People get annoyed when I talk about how much I miss you

Constantly

But they don’t get that you being gone

Is like losing my voice

Or more like losing an ear

Because no one listens to me like you do

I also hate not being with you

And knowing that you need me

To tell you things

Like you’re pretty

And cute

And everybody thinks so.

Too fast

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
If I mess this up I will be so mad
And it will be your fault
Because I can hardly remember
The last time I relationshipped at a normal pace

Flirtation

I have forgotten how to flirt


Which is pretty fucking pathetic

I didn’t realize until this summer

That I was one of those girls

Who always had a boyfriend

And I got those boyfriends

By manipulating situations

I am wonderful when alone with someone

I know exactly what to do—

when alone—

to make someone fall in love with me.

But in public?

God, I haven’t done that in years

I know

That I am

funny

smart

And utterly beautiful

But I don’t know how to flirt with you

Take me somewhere

Anywhere

And I’ll make you fall in love with me too.

My main thought of the day

Today I am a Parisian schoolgirl
 Which pleases me tremendously

Private

Yeah, I know it’s private.

I probably shouldn’t tell

About the soppy

Smiling,

Goofy mess

You reduced me to after that night.

I shouldn’t tell

About the first

Scary,

Wonderful time

We did that.

But what’s the point then?

What’s the use of having

Blissful

Secret

Moments that you can’t tell?

Even though I know.

You know.

But I need to tell.

They need to know.

Because it’s me.

That doesn’t make any sense.

I don't know why I can't finish this thought

I wished for fire and I got you. Too late I discovered that I was a moth, and you, the very thing I desired, were the thing that could destroy me.

Sacred

All of them blur together, those nights.


Which one told me my body was flawless?

Which one told me he loved me?

I love them equally.

Those nights, I mean.

When you smile for just one person

And laughter is muted

But joyous and contagious

Which one did I want the most?

I couldn’t tell you.

The boys, I did not love equally, but the nights…

I can’t distinguish one from the other.

Isn’t it wonderful to reminisce?

Remember when he took your face in his hands

And kissed you with such adoration…

Which boy was that again?

I live for those nights

When everything is private

And everything is sacred.

Part of me

I wish I knew how to love anyone but you


No that’s not true

I wish I could love without you

That loving without your permission didn’t feel so

Wrong

But do I?

Whenever I think these thoughts I always regress

And feel the

Heart-pounding

Panic-inducing

Sweaty messiness

That comes over me when I think of myself without you

Why are things so wrong between us now?

Am I still a part of you?

Because I don’t know how to detach myself from you

Which is at once both the most comforting and terrifying thought in the world.