We got through some of our toughest, lowest points together when we were 13,000 miles and a 16-hour time difference apart. 

I'm never going to doubt us, okay?

I'll miss you like crazy, but distance will never change what makes us US. 

Missing You

Missing you is like feeling nothing's complete without you here
Is like flirting just to try to feel something
And then feeling Nothing.

Missing you is like waking up this morning and wanting to go back to sleep
Is like trying my hardest not to give up, not to lose hope.

Missing you is like trying day after day to forget
to be okay to not remember to focus on other things
because when it comes rushing back the pain is almost too much to bear

Missing you is doing stupid reckless things just so I can pretend
And realizing it's all just an illusion.

I miss you I miss you
This isn't how it should be.

Not Even a Little Bit Mine anymore either, and I Couldn't be Happier

I love that we've moved beyond all that bullshit. As Best Friend put it, we're not having "4 a.m. let's run away to Paris" conversations anymore.

I love that we know we love each other, but in a healthier, more honest way. I can't call it platonic because I think we'll always be attracted to each other, but neither of us wants to go back to that. Both of us really want this: this being able to talk to each other and tell each other our problems and just be grateful that we have each other in our lives.

I love that you called me last weekend to make sure that I was doing okay. And that I called last night and you texted me to tell me you'd call me back in a few minutes, and then you actually did. Or how you give me genuinely good advice on stuff that's going on with me, and how, even though your heart is a little bit broken, you're able to look at my love and be happy for me. Genuinely.

You told me last night that you'd be lost without me, that I'm important to you, that our conversations mean a lot to you. And normally when those sorts of things are said, especially from you, there's strings attached. But I know you well enough to know when you're trying to corrupt me or trying to get something from me, and you didn't say those things for either of those reasons.

You said them because you meant it. I think this is the first time in our too long history that you actually view me as a friend. And I can't tell you how happy that makes me.

Beyond all of that, I'm so proud of you. So proud that you were able to let yourself be vulnerable with someone, albeit ending with your broken heart. Proud that you left this state where we both knew there was nothing left for you. Proud that you're able to be my friend and let me be yours.

And I'm so proud that I can't claim credit for any of that. I'm a fixer. I fall in love with people and I want to fix them. You weren't an exception to that. But I didn't fix you. I didn't do any of this.

You did.

I'm so proud of you and I'm so happy that *this* is the way things are.

Not so much a Spider, Anymore

I have no idea who I talked to on the phone for two hours last night. Like, he bears no resemblance to the boy I knew. 

"Hey, I just wanted to say that I'm really glad that we're friends. And that I treated you really badly for a really long time, and that wasn't okay. I'm sorry." 

But You have a Girlfriend

"Not really though," I said and even I could hear the sadness in my voice.

Always lucky for the people in my life. 

Lucky that they stay out with me later than they should, just to hear me whine.
Lucky that they don't get upset when I tear up in a bar.
That when I say, "she was only here for a week, I should be over it by now," they tell me, "fuck that, it was important and it mattered and you know it."
That when I tell them how guilty I feel for still being sad two weeks after she left they tell me, "you're allowed to be sad and you're allowed to feel that for however long you want to."
That they give me good advice like, "it'll work out, you just need to stop thinking about the timetable."
That they understand that I love them and that my desire to leave has nothing to do with them.

That they love me unconditionally and without fail are there when I need them.

That I'd take them, all of them, with me in a heartbeat if I could.

That leaving them is what scares me the most.