I don't care how crazy it is to say this, but what I want most in the world is to be with you.

It's freaking me out that I can't see a way to make that happen.

I Love Him.

I'll probably never understand this strange mixture of love I have for you, this equal parts longing and attraction, comfort and familiarity. How you are someone I can so easily go gaga over but then look at you the next moment and realize how much of a brother you are to me. You feel like family to me, and then you don't. So many jumbled up kinds of love for you.

Our relationship is so different from one day to the next and even more so it's so different from year to year. And this year has brought about some of our biggest changes yet, and not always in a good way. We went from part-time lovers who slept in the same bed just to be near another breathing soul; to people trying to get back to being friends, which was really hard when one of us felt like the other one would never look her in the fucking eyes; to finally making that adjustment just in time for you to share with me some deep, dark parts of your beautiful insides. Not to mention that even after we stopped allowing ourselves to be comforted by each other, we still saw each other all the time. You do laundry at my house. I have keys to yours. We're a family, babe, our family of Bears. The point is, the us that is is not the us that was even three months ago. Nor are we the us that existed six months, a year, five years, TEN years ago. For better or for worse, at times.

But the biggest change we've been through lately is how you don't seem to lie to me anymore. I know that there are things I still don't know about you, things I may not ever know about you, but ever since you unburdened yourself to me about some heavy things, you don't seem to put in the effort in lying to me anymore. We drove around town tonight, running errands, and you were frustrated as hell. But you told me why. You talked about it. I don't know if it helped you, but it helped me. You don't lie to me anymore and I love it.

So yeah, I don't know if it was worth it, all the changes and heartache we went through that brought us to this point. But I'm so glad that this is the point we're at now. The point of not lying. Of not sharing everything, but of knowing that you can share the big stuff. Love you. Always. Love you.

Well that came out of nowhere.

Rolling along through my day and all of a sudden I get struck with this feeling of intense longing for her. Thinking how nice it would be to see her.

And so I text her and think I've let the feelings pass but here I am two minutes later crying because I want her here so badly and she can't be and I can't see her anytime soon and oh god i miss her i miss her with everything in me.

I think of her so often. So few minutes go by in my day without her being on my mind but I don't think I ever focus on this absence of her because if I noticed her absence every moment as much as I notice it now I don't know how I'd make it through

But isn't that a strange thought. I focus on her and her as a person and her as the person that I love but I miss her in the abstract but then moments like this happen and I realize that this is what it feels like to truly wholly miss her and this is the feeling that I avoid as much as I can and in this moment I cannot avoid it

So I sit here and weep and feel her absence so keenly. I miss her I miss her