This is a Time

So, more than I can even begin to describe has happened within the last few weeks. Big things. Best Friend, I want to tell you these things in person, which is why I haven't said anything to you yet.

But it all came to a climax last night, and today, I'm dealing with the aftermath. So many things have changed, even within the last 24 hours. And I'm still kind of in shock over it all.

But what it comes down to is this: It's time to start taking responsibility for me again.

I think I've become incredibly complacent, allowing myself to believe that who I am is fine and it's fine to stay this way.

It's not.

And I may only be writing this right now because someone opened my eyes to this, but I want to get it all down to remember the promise that I'm making myself in this moment.

It's time to stop giving excuses.

I have control over what I say or what I do. I have the power to not make bad decisions. I have the power to declare that I deserve better or that I can be better. I am tired of settling with good enough, both in myself and in others.

Time to find some courage.

Why I Love John Green (and his books)

I've been thinking a lot lately about heartbreak and this crazy concept that maybe we don't get over things as easily as we think we do. And along with that I've been watching a lot of Vlogbrothers videos and the amazing books written by John Green. I was given An Abundance of Katherines at a time of great (melodramatic) heartbreak and it changed my world. I've since recommended his books to almost everyone I know and everytime I come across someone who's read his books I get a little bit too excited to discuss him.

I love his writing because I think, at its heart, it is truly honest. I love reading The Fault in Our Stars and knowing that I will never be Hazel Grace or Augustus Waters, but I will experience dozens of little infinities. I love the idea of creating an infinity with someone and I love (begrudgingly) that it is okay for that infinity to end. I love reading Looking for Alaska and knowing that my actions matter, just as Pudge's do. I don't have an Alaska, but I do have people that I wanted to be with so desperately, only to have the circumstances keep me from them. And I love An Abundance of Katherines with a unique fondness reserved for a book that allows me to indulge myself in the melodrama of wallowing over a breakup.

I re-read his works because of the lines that stick out with me, the lines that change my life forever. I read a quote from The Fault in Our Stars to my darling Oregon Girl last night and there was silence for a brief moment after I finished.

"That was beautiful," she said.

And it is.

I read for the comfort of knowing that I'm not alone, for knowing that other people have struggled and lost and triumphed and that I am not alone. And there is something about all of Green's books that speaks to me on a deeply personal level. It's almost obsessive how much I adore them but what it really gets down to is this: His characters show me the way.

They show me how to enjoy what small infinities I have and how to take personal responsibility for my actions, no matter how benign they seem. And his words come into my head when I am grasping at some way to express my feelings.

This is such a strange time right now, for so many reasons. But I know that when I get home, I'm going to turn on my Kindle and read The Fault in Our Stars. And I will cry and sob from the depths of my chest and I will be comforted in knowing that I am not alone.

I did not write this either

Source

... And that's when I realized that no matter what you think you want your life to be like, you can never know how you'll feel about it for sure until it happens.

You dream of an ideal life and imagine what it would be like, then get discouraged when it doesn't happen. Or maybe it does happen and you get your dream, but it's disappointing because it's nothing like you thought it would be.

Then there are the peak moments. The ones that surprise you. The times when you get extremely lucky and your reality turns out to be much better than any fantasy life you've ever dreamed of. The times when you realize that you'd rather have brunch in your yoga pants with the person sitting across the table from you than nibble on a cold danish in front of a jewelry store as the sun comes up and you're wearing a fancy dress from the empty night before. That's the kind of magic that's better than anything you'll ever see on the silver screen.

Two more weeks two weeks only there is not enough time time time what does time even mean and why can't things just be good and forever okay.

I don't know where I want to be honestly. I want to be home. But here is pretty good as well.

What am I going to do next? 

I am so singleminded it scares me sometimes. I lose focus so easily. The worst part is that this is true to people. I pay attention to one person at a time; I do so badly handling interest in more than one person. 

There are no middle speeds with me, I am either 0 mph or 1000.