It's Okay.

My family is here.

It's okay. Because they are my family and they are here. The girl who I call Best Friend. The girl who I live with and who saves me a dinner plate. The boy who lets me choose what movie we watch at the end of a long week. The boy who takes me to breakfast on the weekends. The people I make cupcakes for.

I always knew they were my family and they were here. But it's okay. I remember.

Weekends like this are pretty representative of my life as a whole right now. Some disappointments, some heartbreak, some loneliness, but a lot of fun. Pushing myself not to be a hermit 100% of the time, but also allowing myself to be alone when I needed to.

I was surrounded by people I love this weekend and that's what's important. It's important that I have people here who like my company. It's important that I was able to say today, "If I stayed here for another year, I would be alright with that." It's something that I need to wrap my head around as a possibility. It needs to be accepted.

I'm still focused on "enough" and trying to know that I am that. And I do believe that the events of this year thus far are going to help me in pursuing this goal. The place the girl and I are at right now is not a good one, but I think it's a necessary one. She's still a good influence, still treating me right. Pushing me to my best. And my best right now needs to be that I am enough. On my own. What we're dealing with is absolutely pushing me towards that.

This weekend was a good period of time of getting towards enough. Because enough, for me, means dealing with those disappointments, heartbreak, loneliness, and still being okay. I am enough.

And, today, I sat in the sunlight and read an old favorite and felt good. Felt enough.

If you can tell me that one mistake doesn't define who I am, then you should believe that one mistake doesn't define our love.

I believe that. I hope you do. I desperately hope so.

Turning over and over in my head the fact that I asked you last night if we could ever get over this and you refused to answer. Changed the subject. Don't think I didn't notice. And I remember that you were still completely cognizant and determined not to break me. You've still got my back, even now.

I know you, love of mine. I still do.

I miss you, I miss you.

Please don't ask me how I'm doing because I'm afraid I'll tell you the truth.

Which is

heartbroken. Shattered. Utterly and completely heartbroken.

Please don't ask because then I'd have to tell you that I cried in my car on the way home today. 

Weird looking at some pictures from certain periods of the last year. The pictures where I think I look the best or the skinniest are from strange times.

Like, I look at them and wish I was always that skinny. And then I remember that at those points I was, at most, eating 600 calories a day. I literally wasn't eating. I just wasn't.

Surviving off a diet of anxiety and applesauce.

And that's not even a little bit healthy. I may think I look good in those pictures, but the anxiety isn't worth that.

Filed under, things to remember when I'm dissatisfied with how I look.

I wanted to be the one that would never hurt you. That's not quite realistic though.

And when you were telling me that this was the first time I've genuinely hurt you, all I was thinking of was the quote from that book that we love. How we don't get a choice on being hurt in this world, but we do have a choice at who hurts us.

I DO like my choices. I really hope you like yours.

And you're wrong, you know. I will grow from this. I promise.