That's Okay.

"You don't have to believe that right now, because I believe it enough for the two of us. I can believe this enough for both of us."

One Last Time

I guess that I'm just so conflicted about this? And I know that people may not be happy about it, but when it comes right down to it there is a time to cut yourself off and I probably should have done that a long time ago.

I don't like being taken for granted. I don't like being underappreciated, unvalued and I'm done.

I'm sorry. But I'm not sorry for what I'm doing, I'm sorry that it got to this point.

So really, whose fault is that?

Let's hope you eventually see that. 

Being Done- a Stream of Consciousness

I wouldn't read this, Best Friend.

Being done feels so strange like giving up but not really because this needs to be done i want to move on i want to grow up i want to forget and try to never think about it ever again because no nothing is ever really over but i am so tired and i don't know how else to declare myself to be important and really how could you not know but i guess it's a lost cause and that kills me fucking kills me you're a lost cause and i don't know how to say that to you because it wouldn't even make a little bit of difference i say these words to you and you don't even listen the phones through which we speak are a metaphorical brick wall i can't even tell you how to say goodbye but seriously fuck you and i refuse to feel sorry for that even though i am going to have to apologize over and over i am so sorry i wasn't strong enough i'm so sorry i didn't stand by so sorry i gave up but how do you stand by someone who doesn't even respond when you sob and tell that person that you're killing me this hurts me so much after everything it doesn't make one bit of difference you can't even apologize for your actions

and that probably hurts the most that you can't even tell me you're sorry your self-righteousness knows no bounds and of course you don't see that you're hurting everyone who ever cared about you you're the same and look around because no one is here anymore no one can do or say anything because you're gone you're so gone i tried to pull you back but it didn't work because anyone who can't apologize for this doesn't exist anymore

i tried i tried so hard and it won't even matter it didn't help and if it did you never told me thank you and the truth is i could probably just deal with this if you could just say thank you and i'm sorry for what i put you through but you can't and you won't because those around you are taken for granted until they leave but even when i leave when you think of me all you'll see is someone who couldn't get past her anger not someone whose heart broken too many times by the same person can't risk that again and i hate the way you'll probably think of what i'm doing but 

i know a lost cause when i see one. 

you're so gone sweetheart you're gone forever and i can't i just can't and i hope you see what i see someday but until then i'm not doing this anymore and

this is all your fault. 

One of Those Moments Where You Realize the Past is Never Really Over

Distrust
is a funny thing


isn't it?


Taking its place
years later
Slithering in
to someone who should never be
Doubted. 

So this whole Student Exchange Thing...

Yeah, it's going to be hard leaving Best Friend and Boyfriend for a semester. Yeah, it'll be hard making new friends and being far away from my family.

But I genuinely feel like I need to do this. I want to go home. I feel like this is what I'm supposed to be doing.

I have prayed a lot about this. And I know by now that I can trust God to send me where I should be. If He has willed this (and I fully believe that He has) then everything will be fine.

I will be home! Best Friend and I have the long distance relationship down pat. Boyfriend and I will make things work.

This feels like my next step.

And now you are twenty one (again).

Dear Best Friend,

Three years ago, we were already best friends. And yet, we didn't celebrate your birthday together. And I don't know why. If I could go back in time and celebrate with you, I totally would. (Also this was the year you put a beach in my house for my birthday so I need to do something just as awesome for you. Call the Doctor.)

Two years ago, you were in Australia and I had just gotten Facebook just to talk to you every single day. I wrote you a very long post, describing how much I missed you.

One year ago, I sent you a mix CD. They are some of your favorite gifts. I also bought a ticket to see you. It was one of the best decisions I ever made.

And this year, the first year that we've celebrated your birthday together since becoming best friends, we went bowling. We were dressed up. We laughed gaily.

Remember that first time we cried on each others' shoulders sarcastically? That moment captures past and present us perfectly: supporting each other while still being able to laugh hysterically every moment of every day.

Remember all those trips to McDonalds? And those times backstage? And those Skype conversations? And those million inside jokes? And the crazy looks that adults give us? And everything else?

Of course you do.

After looking at "our friendship" on Facebook or all the pictures taken of us, I am overwhelmed by us. We win. Enough said.

I love that I cry when I say goodbye to you even for just a week, that you lecture me on the evils of diet soda, that we complete each others' very thoughts, that I am in awe of your dog training skill, that we fit into each others' wardrobes, that you have actress quirks, that I LOVE YOUR DOG, that you take my advice on what books to read, that we call each other first when we want to cry or laugh, that we talk through movies together, that you are the fucking strongest person I know and essentially everything else about you. Even while writing that run-on sentence (I hope you can excuse my poor grammar just this once) I thought of a million other things that I love about you.

But mostly, especially, I love that I have such an amazing friendship with a person that I love, admire, and respect every day, and I know that we will have this same relationship in 50 years.

You are the only one who will ever love me and I don't ever forget it.

Happy birthday to you, sweet friend of mine. I can't wait to spend the next 50+ years doing everything we do right now.

Love,
Lady Brett Ashley

From this...

to this.

From this (in ugly dresses)...

to this (in pretty dresses. In a bowling alley.). 

Nights Like These

You said something, I withdrew my hand. What was said was just the slightest bit too critical for my taste.

And I watched as horror and regret spread over your face. Your eyes filled with sorrow at realizing how what you said had hurt me in an unintended way.

It'd been like that all evening, us out of sync. You in one mood, I in another, and us not fitting together right. That was just the tipping point.

And I watched you. I watched as you tried to explain yourself, as you beat yourself up for knowing how you'd hurt me. I saw.

And so I sighed. I spoke quietly.

"It's okay. I don't want you to beat yourself up over this. I will be okay."

Because no matter the little hurt that I had, you didn't deserve to feel miserable over it. You didn't mean to hurt me. And I hate knowing that I can push you to feel absolutely hellishly upset when something goes wrong.  I hate the way your voice sounds when you feel like the worst person in the world. I despise the way you look when you can't bear the thought of what you've done has upset me.

I didn't want that. Not tonight.

And so I stepped back. You apologized. I told you to be okay, it was okay. We tentatively resumed our plans (even though I had misgivings. Maybe I should've just gone home. Maybe we should've called it a night there.)

It was wonderful. We walked into that restaurant and it was like flipping a light switch. We were most definitely okay. We laughed and teased and delighted in our activities. I couldn't believe that a mere 30 minutes before, I had been considering just leaving.

Nights like these. When we get off on the wrong foot but we both make amends and then everything gets better... This is what shows me how different everything is now. It speaks volumes to me about how what we're doing is good. What we have is good. We try.

Nights like these are everything in us that is right.

Things I Hate

• I hate that you hide away in another room while all of us are out in the living room.
• I hate that you talk to no one but each other at a party I threw.
• I hate that you tried to steal members away from said party, literally hijacking the guests.
• I hate that I no longer feel like you all are my friends.
• I hate that it doesn't bother me more.
• I hate that I can't stop worrying that maybe I really don't have as many friends as I thought. 

But you know what? Fuck it. I don't WANT friends like you. I don't want friends who intentionally exclude themselves. I don't want friends who talk about me and my flaws behind my back. I need to remember, like I always need to remember, that having less, but truer, friends is better.