Next to you

I love

Sitting next to you

And laughing secrets

While everyone else stares and wonders

I remember that night

When you looked me straight in the face

And said the most glorious statement to make me laugh

The only person who can make me laugh when I have red eyes

Perched next to you

Sighing how much we love each other

You are in so much pain

And I don’t know how to help you

But I will try. Try so hard.

I love you.

I am next to you.

I am tired

Of dealing with shit that happened two years ago. I OWE HER NOTHING. Get that? NOTHING. She stole from me. She stole my first love and now whines and complains because I won't forgive her. I don't want to forgive her nor do I have to. She wasn't a part of my life until she decided to take my love and after that, there is no way I will ever want her in it. No amount of writing me letters, writing to my friends, or subtly commenting on things I have commented on will change that.

I don't care anymore if this is all paranoia. She shouldn't "really want me to pray for her sick mother." She shouldn't take my profile picture, print it out, and send it to me. She shouldn't call one of my closest friends and ask to stay with him when she's in Albuquerque. It feels wrong. And I don't deserve to feel this way.

I'm also tired of worrying that she'll steal my closest friends. You told me that there was no doubt I was still your maid of honor. Please let that still be true. You have no idea how important you are to me, and to be honest you didn't seem the slightest bit sad when we said goodbye for five months. I cried the whole way home because I'll miss you so much. Are you mad at me? What is wrong? I feel so deeply that something's wrong and I don't know why. Please talk to me. I can't not talk to you.

What she doesn't know? At one point I saw myself "reconciling" with her. But she crossed a line.

And to my maid of honor? I need you. I need your honest response.

Actual poem

Red wine
Chocolate liquor
Collapsing into your lap
Pretending I wasn't tipsy
Looking into your eyes
And knowing
I will always fall for you
I will always fall for lies.

Merry Christmas.
My silent phone
Reminds me
Of how wrong last night was.

I'm tired of the web.
Merry Christmas Spider.

Revelation

Sitting at my desk at work I realized that he makes me feel like I've lost my breath. After getting a particularly lovely text from him, I always had to remind myself to breath again.

And maybe that's what being in love is like? But I don't think so. I always hated not breathing. I'm a decent swimmer, but I'll never be very good at it because I'm so afraid of being without air. Drowning or suffocation are the ways I pray to God I will never die. Honestly (just in case you haven't gotten it yet), not being able to breathe is one of my worst fears.

All you romantics out there will tell me, "Let go of your fears! Accept that he takes your breath away! That's what being in love is all about."

But that's not healthy. Constantly being without oxygen harms your brain. He isn't good for me, and the fact that he makes me forget to breathe just proves that.

My Favorite Things of 2010

1. Topper Revue. Thanks for showing me how much I can accomplish, you guys. Also, Olions flirting at its finest.
2. College acceptances. 
3. CHWC. So much better than the year before, and I texted a hot boy the whole trip.
4. Summer. All of it. Even though I spent so many sleepless nights wondering what his problem was, it was worth it. One of the lovliest summers I've ever had.
5. Every late night.
6. Meeting my rain fairy. Even if we clash and I don't know how long we'll be friends.
7. Being introduced to Dexter.
8. Mexico for Christmas 2009, Mexico for graduation.
9. Prom.
10. Graduation. Mostly for the presents. I'm shallow, I know.
11. Going to college and having so many realizations. Knowing that I may not love my new life yet but I do enjoy it and it's more than bearable and that's more than enough for me.
12. My best friend coming home. I spent the whole year missing her.

I probably forgot a million things, but that's okay. They happened and that's what matters.