Feeling like i'm in the middle of a day long panic attack which is unusual but unsurprising considering how freaked i am about a million and one things right now number one being how i'm doing me and i'm barely holding a lot together and then i get ragged on for not doing more here at work or with my friends and what the actual fuck please just leave me alone if i want to go to bed at ten o'clock every night why the hell does it bother you so much and then there's the fact that i can then convince myself that because my life is quieter and less drunk than a year ago that means i have less friends despite all evidence to the contrary like how many people have talked me down in the last two weeks and how many people have asked for my time in the last two weeks i mean come on i'm just freaking out over nothing

and then there's the whole grad school issue that i'm again falling behind on because of a million other obligations not to mention how actually looking at the school i'm most likely going to brought up a lot of unhappy memories from maryland like yeah i got K from that and it was so so worth it for that great love but fuck i was scared and lonely and i didn't fully commit to being there and it fucked me up and now i'm going to do it again but i'm twenty-three and hopefully that means i am older and braver and will fucking approach this with maryland behind me knowing that if i did that and got my love from it then i can do this and get something great out of it as well

let's hope

but i'm scared

and i just want to be with my girls but then there's the issue that i will be seeing K so soon but i am more nervous for this trip than i have for any other and i need to stay on the mindset of no expectations because it always works out best for us that way when we don't expect anything really from each other but the fact that she's worried about this trip being just us has me worried and i don't want to spend a whole week bickering and getting sick of each other i just want to be with her and then i worry that by worrying it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy and i need to just focus on how we've made so much work that of course we can do this

but fuck worrying then i'm so over it

things are going to work out

this i believe

it's the middle part until the things are worked out that i can't handle. 

Growth

I don't know if I'm waiting for you, but at this point I'm not sure I particularly care.

What I will say is that this year, this time, I haven't made any decisions regarding my personal life that I feel guilty about. I wake up in my bed alone every weekend morning and feel okay. I go about my day, spend my time with people, do important things.

And love you.

My life is crazy difficult these days, but it's not in a secretive way and I'm pretty proud.

Also I love you and I'm sticking with this as long as it feels right. As long as you send me surprise presents and call me just to hear the sound of my voice. As long as fighting with you doesn't keep me up at night and we apologize to each other when we're in the wrong. As long as calla lilies remind you of me and yellow roses remind me of you.

Sometimes, I am so in love with you, I can hardly stand it.

And this is from such a distance. What would it be like if we were in the same place?