I reflected last night that I choose very strong people as my best friends. The first time I ever saw Tiffany cry was six months ago and we've been best friends for over four years. So when something hurts one of my closest friends, it terrifies me. I almost never see them in tatters and knowing that something has happened to rip her to shreds devastates me and horrifies me.

I feel so many emotions over what has happened this past week. And I don't even know if I'm justified in feeling them. Objectively, I wasn't as affected by this as Jacinta or Cathy. But I cannot help but feel overwhelmingly upset.

I feel betrayed. And cheated. I trusted him so much. He was my big brother. He was my protector and the protector of so many others. Before this week, if someone had asked me to choose someone who I thought was a genuinely good guy, it would have been him. No question about it. He is sick, hurting, and afraid, but I never questioned his heart. But now... if he isn't a good guy, who is? Who can I trust? Who can anyone trust?

I still pray. I need to believe he can recover. I need to hope that somewhere, my big brother, who told my hurtful ex-boyfriend to go fuck himself destroying their friendship in the process, still exists. But right now I can't look him in the face. In his betrayal, he made me question what I knew was true.

But more than feeling betrayed or angry or scared, I'm worried. Above all I want to scream and throw things in defense of my Jacinta. How could they do this for her? Didn't they know how much this would hurt her? What is she supposed to do now?

And I'm not there with her. She needs me, and I'm 13,000 miles away. She can't call me in the morning when she wakes up wanting to go back to sleep forever. I can't go over to her house on the nights when she feels alone in the world. We can't get drunk together and try to forget just so that we can have an hour of silly happiness.

Even as I write this, tears are filling my eyes because we should be together. We need to be together, dammit. I can't let her go through this alone.

And in the midst of my pain and anguish I would like to say this. Fuck the people who did this. Fuck you for hurting the people who cared about you the most. Fuck you for not having the balls to take responsibility for what you did. Fuck you for being the epitome of selfish. And fuck all the forces that are keeping me away from my best friend.

I am angry, hurt, and scared. But I'm not alone. And I will never leave her side, not matter how metaphorical that side may be. All the forces are pushing against her, but you better believe that she will come out of this stronger than ever, while I march along beside her for as long as she wants me there.

You will not defeat her. You will not defeat us.