We Didn't Get to Paris...

... but we did get to a beach.

Can't believe this is where we ended up. The luckiest that all these years later, you're my friend. 

2014 in Retrospect

Man, I thought *this* was going to be my year. I was wrong. Not going to lie, this year was ROUGH. A lot of great things, but a lot of it was just HARD. 2015, I’m ready for you.

This should've been published almost exactly a year ago. Sorry! Also, retrospect changes everything. Where I sit now, I LOVED the second half of 2014. Time is funny like that. 

January- began with a not-so-great NYE. I cried a lot. Finally confronted a lot of not okay things and that was hard. Living with C was the best though. Family dinners became a thing. But I told K about me and S and things were awful. Didn’t talk for a week. Decided to try to be friends, if we weren’t telling each other the big stuff. I got a job and was thrilled that I could shop again.

February- for me centers around Valentine’s day, which began well but ended poorly. K and I had a lot of intense conversations that indicated that we couldn’t be just friends. C and J fought a lot. Family dinners continued, and I was increasingly frustrated with S for treating me differently. But family dinners were the best thing. Coming home to people, people I LOVED, made all the difference in the world. MarioKart also made the most fun. Cried more. LOVED my job. Loved the freedom it brought me and its easiness. I got in trouble with J and C for being alone so much of the time and recognized how okay I was with that solitude.

March- Was alone a lot as well, but it was okay. Senioritis hit full swing. I spent my Fridays loafing around the house and it was glorious. Celebrated Best Friend’s birthday with RISK and it was a hilarious success. Went on a spring break vacation with Best Friend and it was the BEST THING EVER. Had a great trip that, unfortunately, didn’t rejuvenate either of us. Started freaking out about plans post-graduation.

April- Began with my birthday on which I received a beautiful gift from K and cried. Cried more when I read the letter that went with it—a beautiful, confusing letter. That girl Loves. Me. Looking back on this year it looks so back and forth between her and me, but it didn’t feel like that at the time. It felt like we lost our way and found it again. April was us finding the way again. April was finals and work and being tired. So tired.

May- centered around graduation, which was brilliant. The day was spent with my family and Best Friend. S and the cousins and I went out for a spectacular night out. Went to CA with the Bears. In the moment, it was a pretty stressful trip, but in retrospect, I’m really glad we went. Really glad we had that experience together. Looked for a new job, got interviews, but nothing was really turning up. C was gone all the time, basically for the whole summer. S and I fought a lot, but he went away for two weeks and when he came back, we were a thousand percent better. Spent so much time with the Bears, spent one night having dinner and then swimming until late. One of my favorite memories.

June- got a kitty! The glorious Alaska came into my life. If all I got out of 2014 was her, it’d be worth it. She is a charming, spastic, cuddly furball and my life is so much cozier because of her. Spent a lot of my time with S and Alaska. Had four day weekends so I was adventuring a lot. More interviews. Interviewed at my current job and from the minute I got the phone call asking for an interview, I knew this was where I was going to be for the next year, for better or worse. The boys moved 5 minutes away from us and I was at their house more than my own. K started summer school and we barely talked, but, unlike last year, handled it really well.

July- tried to go see K before my new job started. Wasn’t able to. Cried. Also cried when I actually got my job, since it meant 2014 wouldn’t be the year I got to be with K. Not being able to move to her was a hard pill to swallow. Had a glorious day hiking with Best Friend and Vertigo. Escaped to the lake one day with V and danced the night away. Had a lot of very intense days with S—driving home the day I decided not to go visit K, the day hike. He and I saw each other practically every day, which I have mixed feelings about. We’d talked about going on a trip and it didn’t happen, which was huge and disappointing in too many ways. Started my new job, nervously.

August- C and J broke up and between that and the kids starting school (I work at a high school), this month was a stressful nightmare. J was exhaustingly needy and so was the job. Began to feel like I was never being heard by the Bears, which was ridiculously awful. The learning curve at work killed me. The light at the end of the tunnel was my buying tickets to visit K in September. Huge for us. Went to see Nickel Creek with Best Friend and ended up having the best time.

September- began with visiting K and it being as close to perfect as possible. She and I fell back into place like nothing had ever been wrong, which was shocking. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel when I saw her—and then I felt nothing but love and that was huge. We had a conversation about “where we were going” which was meaningful and positive and honest. Came home horribly sad, but handled it so much better this year. For better or worse though, I handled it on my own—the Bears didn’t seem to get it, which was rough. S also told me he was moving, which was big. I think this was the month that I fell in love with my students—when I came home from Oregon and I loved being back with the kids. Which is huge to me. I hate my actual job requirements, but these kids. They make it worth it.

October- had a gloriously slow fall break. Went on a delightful day trip with V. Did a boudoir shoot and wasn’t happy with my body but decided to just be. Spent as much time out of my house as possible, which was really hard. Ran out of my house one night with no shoes on, just to get away. C and J were together 24/7, which was the hardest—she started being a bad friend and I couldn’t handle it. But that hardest night, K repeated over and over to me, “I love you. Things will be okay. I love you. Things will be okay.” Took the GRE and was happy to be done with that. Halloween came and went and I decided I officially hated house parties. Halloween though was the night it finally hit that Alaska was *my* cat—she came to me when I called her despite being loved on by tons of people and it kind of stuck with me that the girl is mine all mine.

November- felt better. Was around the Bears almost zero percent of the time, which helped significantly. Busy busy busy. Saw L and her baby as much as I could. Spent time with new friend R. Handled my attraction to him appropriately, which is a HUGE step in maturity. Man, that boy is cute. But his life is crazy and I don’t want a part of it. Shopped a TON. Actually, shopped nearly every weekend from July to November and felt almost no guilt over it. Handled the workload okay. Had a lovely, albeit short, Thanksgiving Break. Spent an evening doing nothing with Best Friend and it was the best. I think this was the month that I officially took a step back from drinking—for the past several months, whenever I was drunk, I cried. For no real reason. And that’s no fun. So it’s all about the balance now. Spent the last weekend with S and cried enormously. This year was not good for us, but that doesn’t erase his place and importance in my life. K and I committed to seeing each other for NYE—and bought tickets. Realizing that I wouldn’t go another whole year before seeing her was an exceptional gift.

December-- Waited and waited for Winter Break. Fell in love with my students times a million. Snow danced. Started texting L everyday-- which was perfect. Christmas shopping was chaotic. Worried about money. Applied for my first grad school, worked on applications for others. Things with C became more and more cracked. I can't even tell you what things with K were like. Only that we met up for New Years and that trip was hard in hard ways and good in good ways and I left feeling uncertain but determined to move forward. Spent NYE in this little country bar in the middle of nowhere and every minute was perfect. Felt ready for the CHANGES I was sure 2015 was going to bring. 

My Sunshine.

Haven't gushed in awhile, and since it's coming to its official end tomorrow, I think he deserves a gush.

He's the sort of guy who gives me presents just because, who brought me a 12-pack of ginger ale when I was sick because he'd remembered months ago when I mentioned that ginger ale was my go-to sick drink. He's the sort of guy who likes dressing up as much as I do. Who met me for lunch frequently and happily took as many pictures together as I wanted.

He's the sort of guy who read every book I recommend to him and sends me long texts about said literature and his thoughts. On that note, he's the sort of guy who texts me good morning, calls when he says he will. Calls even when he doesn't say he will, just because the sound of my voice makes him happier. And the sound of his makes me smile and laugh, all the way into my soul.

He's the sort of guy who is a science nerd-- but thinks my literary, metaphorical mind is beautiful. Can't get enough of my ramblings. He's the sort of guy who talks more than I do, which is a feat. We never get enough. We talk for three hours on the phone and still have things to say. I called him yesterday to cheer him up and we ended up talking about how words are just scratches on the page. How did that happen?

He's the sort of guy who has never been anything but honest about the fact that he loves his daughter more than anyone, that she will always be priority number one. And I wouldn't have it any other way. No matter how sad our complications and our real world priorities make me, I look at him with such respect and admiration: she will always be first. Always.

But he's the sort of guy who told me "I love you, Glenna, I am in love with you." Who I felt insanely, truly comfortable with from the minute he first kissed me. Who, the day after said kiss, texted me all day and then, on my way home from work, asked if he could stop by to see me before heading to his job. Who texted me first the day after we had sex for the first time. Who rolled over the morning after he told me he loved me and said, "I meant it. I mean it." Honesty comes so naturally with him. Comfort comes so naturally with him. From day one, I've felt relaxed around him. I don't stop eating when I'm in his presence. I don't worry about being good enough or bright enough or anything enough. I just am.

He's the sort of guy who give exceptional comfort to me: indulging my sadness but reminding me of the hard truths. And who, miraculously, I am able to comfort instinctively. I give him comfort. I love that.

He's the sort of guy with whom, because of all the things above, I have incredible, satisfying, passionate, intimate sex with. And it is so good.

He is a real life person that I real life love, for all of his own reasons. But it is inescapable that the biggest thing he has given me was the reminder that I can still fall in love, that better things are still coming. All of a sudden I was heading down a bad road, headed towards a bad place. And he was an detour that changed the journey. For the better. I like eating. I like not thinking about how to comfort or be comforted. I like laughing at the same jokes.

I like that we help each other, in ways too big and too numerous to write here. I don't know what comes next on my path, on his path. But I'm so grateful he was on mine. He is sunshine.

Once, our youth minister told us the calling to the priesthood was so great within him, the yelling kept him up at night.

I don't think I truly understood that until now. I feel called to serve the world in such a way, it keeps me up at night. It's that loud.

I cannot imagine doing anything else but serving this population. Working to lift the tide. Evening the playing field, or at least trying to give everyone a fighting chance.

Bringing information to everyone. Knowledge to everyone.

It keeps me up at night.

I've never felt such ownership over my own success and capabilities before. I've never felt so confident in my abilities to truly change something for the better. I feel more empowered than I ever knew was possible. Right at the brink of learning how to do what I feel fated to do. I know I can do this. I want to do this. I need to do this.

It keeps me up at night.

So maybe You were Right, as Always

What is this like? It's like exhaling and taking in new air, not realizing you were holding your breath until you let it out.

It's like breathing for the first time in months, not realizing you were suffocating until you weren't.

What’s frustrating is that I know she’s right. That not a mere two weeks ago, I put thoughts to paper that said, “maybe I am ready to move on, even though I love her with my whole heart.” And that is exactly what she was saying this weekend.

Two years.

I don’t know what to do, what to think. I don’t know if I’m pulled to her because she is what is right or because I just want her.

What I know is that I like us (“I love us,” she responded on Sunday). I like that we support each other through the bad and the good. I like that she accepts my flaws and I accept hers. Sometimes I am irrational, emotional, and uncommunicative. Sometimes she is harsh, casual, and unapproachable. We are not perfect. But we are enough, for each other, together. We still see the best of each other while embracing each other’s’ imperfections. Because I am also passionate, forceful, and compassionate. And she is perceptive, logical, and fierce.

What I know is that I like the unconditional support we give each other. That I never felt the need to choose between her and my education. That even though this continued distance has led us to have to consider these questions, I do not feel to blame. I am not to blame. We just need to figure out how to deal with it. Not dealing with it was out of the question from the start.

What I know is that we’ve loved each other through hard times before. That our constancy continues to amaze and surprise me. What I know is that I love her. She loves me (“I love you so much,” she said. “I love you differently than I’ve ever loved anyone.”).

What I’m afraid of is that these discussions will lead to the possibility of us; real, together, couple us; being gone forever. I want to believe that, if the time comes, we would be open to being together. We have our whole lives ahead of us. I’m not ready to give up on that possibility yet. I am willing to be open to other possibilities; I can work harder on that. But I still want this possibility, our chance.

What I’m afraid of is that I’ll just be another in the line. Another lover who pines for this beautiful, worthy girl. I’m afraid to waste my life on that mere possibility, instead of a reality. But she loves me. Loves me differently. Protects me differently. And she has that fear too. I don’t think she’d let me do that, pine away my whole life. She’d say something.

What I’m afraid of is not hearing her, not respecting her because of what I want. I worry that agreeing with her means giving up but that disagreeing with her means not giving her what she needs. What she deserves. That is so important to me, that she has the freedom to pursue what she wants and know that I will support her and love her through it.

I’m afraid that we don’t have the same desires of each other, that she was trying to tell me that this weekend, and I didn’t hear. I worry that she doesn’t want the possibilities I want and that I was being too selfish to hear that. But she would make that clear. I know she would. She is always honest, especially with me. This is just her doing what she does best, making the rational, hard decision.

But I’m still afraid of not hearing her.

I’m afraid of how fearful we both are. I worry that fear will cripple us, will make us make the safe decisions instead of the right ones.

What I’m afraid of is not handling this well or gracefully. That I’ll forget these things that I know in the face of change, to our detriment. I don’t want to lose her that way. Neither of us deserves it.

I’m afraid of repeats, in so many different forms. That I am just a repeat of past relationships for her. That she is just a repeat of past relationships for me. That this situation is just a repeat of Maryland and its preceding months for me. And this fear can only go away with time. With our, especially my, choosing to make different decisions this time around. And I can do that.

I’m afraid of not being optimistic. Of not trusting, not believing, not accepting.

What I know is that we are strong. Even in our lowest, darkest times (and there have been some), I have never felt like what we have or what we are was wrong. We’ve never been a bad decision. What I know is that every step along this improbable journey as amazed and delighted me with its beauty. Every turn. Every trip.

I don’t have the answers. I wish I did.

She told me yesterday not to think too much about any of this, to just let it be. To let things unfold the way they should. So maybe it’s not about having the answers. I trust her. I love her. She trusts and loves me. Whatever comes next will be a product of that. 

Things I Miss (and/or Vicious Little Thoughts)

I miss the way you smile at me and the way I could lean into you without thinking.

The way you tell me over the phone, "But you'll catch me up next week, right? Promise? I love you," makes me melt.

I miss our dinners. I miss sitting on my front porch with you, smoking cigarettes and drinking beer. I miss putting my feet in your lap and you absentmindedly tapped on them.

I miss your rugged laugh.

So much of you is back, now that you've left, but that just means I miss you all the more. Now that you're more YOU, there's more to miss, as strange as that is to say.

Even more so is the fact that this separation has done wonders for our friendship. This helped us tremendously. But now that we're back to a good place... I miss you more.

I miss you, I miss you. No place like home when you're my home.

It makes them angry, you know. That for every one time they talk to you, I've talked to you at least three. That I visited and have plans to visit again, and they can't seem to make it work. That for some reason, what we've been saying from the beginning is true:I'm your best friend. I'm special. I know more, and for that, I'm honored.

Vicious vicious of me to be proud and don't I know it. But I'm tired of them acting like we were just the same.

Anyways. Today I miss you more. Come home to me soon, please.

But a Whimper

Went to sleep with a pounding heart, afraid of what I’d wake up to. Woke up to a note, seems to be our only form of communication these days, that said everything and nothing at all. Went to work, paid more attention to my phone and the lifelines it brought me than the children in front of me. Made a plan.

And watched the minutes tick by.

Went into that movie theater, all on my own and with no shame. Lights went down.

And I cried.

Typical, of course. Crying. My main mode of emotion it seems. One that I’d been holding back from all day, and really, all through this.

But the lights went down and the music came up and I cried.

Because I’m a sucker for a song and dance, of course. Cute children, check. Nostalgic music, check. I was a goner from the beginning. But it was more than that.

I cried for what I did not know.

I cried because I’ve inflicted “great hurt” and for the life of me I can’t figure out what that is.

I cried because of what I’ve known for months I was losing and yet today was irrevocably lost.

I cried because I’m so lucky and so happy and this shatters me.

I cried because I was in a movie about finding your family and I’ve lost what, a year ago, I viewed as part of mine.

I cried because Annie gets to wear printed floral skinny jeans and I cannot.

I cried because my future that I am going to achieve is so close and yet so far away. And I’m wasting this in-between feeling sad instead of relishment.

I cried because a girl I used to fondly refer to as Mama Bear will not look me in my eyes—and whether or not I believe I have, she believes I have and that is her reality.

I cried because I still cannot figure out what I did and instead of accepting that fact, it haunts me.

I cried because my living situation, toxic enough for myself, is impacting my cat in a tangibly negative manner.

I cried because no matter what I have done, I do not deserve this treatment. That this treatment at the hands of a supposed friend means that I will never look at someone I love the same way again.

I cried because the repeated assurances of those I love and trust, the people who have proven to be in my corner, are not enough.

That more than ever, I feel like my least favorite character from my favorite book, a beautiful little fool who carelessly smashes and leaves it in her wake.

I cried for the melodrama, that my life is so blessed and yet this is what I’m focusing on this evening.

I know the answers. And more so, I can accept that some are the wrong ones, and some are ones I’ll never know. But I mourn the loss of what was. I mourn what is.

I wish I was stronger. I’m not afraid to be the girl who cries in movie theaters. I’m afraid of what comes next—rather, that nothing comes next.

This is the way a world ends. Let’s see if I’m wise enough to read the next chapter. 

Feeling like i'm in the middle of a day long panic attack which is unusual but unsurprising considering how freaked i am about a million and one things right now number one being how i'm doing me and i'm barely holding a lot together and then i get ragged on for not doing more here at work or with my friends and what the actual fuck please just leave me alone if i want to go to bed at ten o'clock every night why the hell does it bother you so much and then there's the fact that i can then convince myself that because my life is quieter and less drunk than a year ago that means i have less friends despite all evidence to the contrary like how many people have talked me down in the last two weeks and how many people have asked for my time in the last two weeks i mean come on i'm just freaking out over nothing

and then there's the whole grad school issue that i'm again falling behind on because of a million other obligations not to mention how actually looking at the school i'm most likely going to brought up a lot of unhappy memories from maryland like yeah i got K from that and it was so so worth it for that great love but fuck i was scared and lonely and i didn't fully commit to being there and it fucked me up and now i'm going to do it again but i'm twenty-three and hopefully that means i am older and braver and will fucking approach this with maryland behind me knowing that if i did that and got my love from it then i can do this and get something great out of it as well

let's hope

but i'm scared

and i just want to be with my girls but then there's the issue that i will be seeing K so soon but i am more nervous for this trip than i have for any other and i need to stay on the mindset of no expectations because it always works out best for us that way when we don't expect anything really from each other but the fact that she's worried about this trip being just us has me worried and i don't want to spend a whole week bickering and getting sick of each other i just want to be with her and then i worry that by worrying it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy and i need to just focus on how we've made so much work that of course we can do this

but fuck worrying then i'm so over it

things are going to work out

this i believe

it's the middle part until the things are worked out that i can't handle. 

Growth

I don't know if I'm waiting for you, but at this point I'm not sure I particularly care.

What I will say is that this year, this time, I haven't made any decisions regarding my personal life that I feel guilty about. I wake up in my bed alone every weekend morning and feel okay. I go about my day, spend my time with people, do important things.

And love you.

My life is crazy difficult these days, but it's not in a secretive way and I'm pretty proud.

Also I love you and I'm sticking with this as long as it feels right. As long as you send me surprise presents and call me just to hear the sound of my voice. As long as fighting with you doesn't keep me up at night and we apologize to each other when we're in the wrong. As long as calla lilies remind you of me and yellow roses remind me of you.

Sometimes, I am so in love with you, I can hardly stand it.

And this is from such a distance. What would it be like if we were in the same place? 

My life is comprised of a dozen different aspects, all compiled together. All of which are my own.

Sometimes I think it's hard for people to understand that, except for Best Friend and the Girl.

If I think hard enough, I can remember the taste of that first fall break, for years ago. Is that strange? But I can't describe it.

I could also taste Maryland, but I also don't have the words for that.

So many words today in this head of mine and I guess I'm not going to do them justice by just writing a stream of consciousness.

A student who interviewed me for a biography essay today asked me if i was at peace with my life and i gave the honest answer which is yes and i need to remember that more because too often i forget how good this feels how good my own skin feels particularly on days like this because my god there is such bad in this world but a student wanted to interview me can you believe it i am so honored to be someone this beautiful wonderful girl admires and i wish i could explain to her how much more i admire her. i hate certain aspects of this job and i find myself every once in awhile wishing i was still where i was but my god these kids i love them i love them i cannot find words other than that that they give me so much that i never knew i wanted. i am so overwhelmed by that.

she also asked me if i had ever been in love and i answered truthfully but not wholly because i said yes but i had to avoid using gendered pronouns and that was so hard but it is always so revitalizing to describe to someone how good this someone has been for me. i've been in love more than once i told her but this time now it's different it's better it's so much more than i ever knew existed. i can't ever go back to anything less than this now i told her. this has shown me what a good love can be and how it is so much deeper than i ever knew and i can't imagine swimming higher for less than this. and it lightened my heart to remember that after a weekend of bickering and frustration that at the end of the day this has shaped me in good and powerful ways and i continue to be amazed and grateful for that and its constancy. it's different when you know that no matter what happens a person will always love you i told her. even if this ends which it very well may i will never doubt that they love me and that i love them and that is so powerful i told her.

last night i stumbled across a blog written by an old classmate of mine that i admired so and i was reminded by how much better and more powerful her words are than mine. i am so envious of her talent but i cannot begrudge her for it because she works at her words every single day even when she doesn't want to and i am so afraid of mine and i am so lazy that when i think i should write i don't always, instead going to watch tv or read or just avoid my words altogether. she works on hers every day and it shows and i am envious and inspired because her words are so fucking good i can't get enough. i need to write more and better and i need to stop being afraid of what is in my head because i know better.

dammit this week has been so fucking hard and then there are days like today where i can see so clearly how overwhelmingly blessed and lucky i am and i need to remember that more. how even though i am not in school i am still learning things every day and i am so vitalized by that constant learning that constant illumination god i hope it never stops. also how a word that i keep repeating these days so much more than ever is love love love love in so many different ways but i can't stop won't stop saying it seeing those loves and god i hope they stay.

Gonna try to handle this differently this time.

Which means:

Expanding my boundaries and making new friends.

Writing more.


Amongst other things. But those are two easily achievable goals, things I can focus on within the next few weeks. Time to live this life.

I don't know if I'm allowed to be mad at you and that's an incredibly frustrating thought.

Not to mention that I'm feeling again like I want to walk away from you for awhile but I'm so scared of what would happen if I did that.

I don't want to be someone else who walks out on you.

But come on. I don't know if I can do this much longer.

I love you and I'd choose you and I *hate* not knowing if you'd choose me.

Home.

Sometimes, a lot of the times, I feel incredibly lost. That my life isn't going where I want it to go, that I'm not spending my life with the people I want to be spending it with. And that makes me feel so worthless. There's a lot behind that, a lot of different factors, but yeah. Worthless.

It's really hard to feel like that.

It all came out last night, in a lot of ways that I'm not proud of. As is typical.

But when I left and he walked me to my car, he took my face into his hands and told me more nice things than I can remember.

"You are so cherished and so loved by so many people. You are an illuminating force," among other things.

"You are such a constant in my life," I responded.

"You feel like home to me."

He does. He feels like home.

I just don't know what to do with that.

He feels like home, but I feel like empty and that should probably be addressed.

I found a full-time, salaried position just a month after I graduated. Goddamn. I can't even say how proud I am of myself. Forreal.

I know that luck has played a huge role in this. My entire working career is based off of one job my mother got me when I was fifteen. My current job I got because of a Facebook friend. I am exceptionally lucky.

But still.

I don't want to sell myself short on this. Two years ago, I started considering taking a year off after I graduated. It's been the plan since then, in the abstract. I'm really happy and proud that I'm able to make it work, in whatever form.

I know that this job means I'll be staying in my current location and I'm not thrilled about that. But From the minute I got the call asking for an interview for this position, I've just had a sense that this is what I'm supposed to do. Who knows if I should trust this, but for right now, despite the bittersweetness of leaving my current job and not leaving my state, I'm confident that this is the right choice.

And I'm really fucking proud.

She's a West Coast wildflower and I'm an East Coast rose, but God, just think of the garden we could make together. 

I don't care how crazy it is to say this, but what I want most in the world is to be with you.

It's freaking me out that I can't see a way to make that happen.