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Saturday, November 9, 2013

More Stream of Consciousness

I miss her i miss her so much it hurts so much that i crave the weekends and when they get here all i do is lie in bed and watch tv just to get a damn break but then i think about everything and i just want to go back to sleep like all the people i could be with right now all the people i should call but they'd just all be distractions from her because i miss her and i miss her peeking her head into my room and then slipping into my bed wrapping her arms around my waist and just being with me and when i remember those things it's the worst because i'm so mad that one person who isn't here is enough to break my heart and i don't feel any better and it's so fucking pathetic that one person is gone and i'm devastated 

this isn't working but i don't have the answer i don't have any for certains i don't know if i'll ever fucking see her again or ever fucking live near her and i can't feel like this every damn saturday so what will i do

i just want to go to best friend's house and throw a pillow over my head and sleep for days because even going home doesn't sound appealing why do you think i spend so many nights at his house because i don't belong there but i don't belong anywhere right now and when his cat sleeps pressed up against me sleeps curled up in the body parts that i pull close into myself  it's nice to pretend that there is somewhere that i do belong

she called me shattered the other day and that sentiment is way more true than she realizes she said it because she knows i think i'm broken but she said that broken implies not self-sufficient not capable and that i am both of those things or so she says 

but yeah

shattered 

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