So many thoughts buzzing in my head and so many things that I should write.

But the sleeping pill is kicking in. 

My God has always done so well in showing me that I'm not alone. And I'm struggling to trust that He will do the same for my brother, who deserves that reassurance so much more than I do. 

My God is a loving God, and I know He will walk beside my brother. 

I am Not Lonely

So, in typical collegiate fashion, my friends and I celebrated my return to the big city by drinking too much last night. And at one point in the evening, in between eating pizza and reading aloud some of our favorite passages from my books, the conversation came up as to how different single and in-relationship lives are.

"Being single just means that we're lonely," one of my friends said. "We're lonely, a lot of the time."

My in-relationship friend confessed that she was lonely a lot, even though she had a boyfriend. And while they went back and forth, I pondered.

"The truth is, I'm not lonely," I remarked, slurring my words only a little bit. "I like my life. I like the people in my life, I like what I do... and yeah, there are moments of loneliness, but not often. I'm really happy where I'm at."

My single friend stared at me like he couldn't believe what I was saying.

And now, the day after, I think back to that conversation and its honesty.

I am not lonely.

I am single. But not alone, and definitely not lonely. I have friends whom I adore and who keep me laughing and entertained. I have classes and interests that keep me busy and fulfilled. And 90% of the time I have a sense of inner peace that I'm exactly where I should be right now.

My life isn't perfect by any means and obviously I'd be delighted if I found someone with whom I could have a meaningful relationship with. But not having that doesn't detract from my life or my happiness. The person that I do love is far away, and while that saddens me, her absence does not define my state of being.

I am me. I am filled with vibrancy and laughter, long car rides and glasses of wine. Puppy squiggles, inside jokes, and family dinners. Pretty dresses and enchanting books, music being played too loudly and all my friends piling into my bed to confess secrets.

I am not lonely.

Sometimes Nostalgic

Flipping through old photos on Facebook late at night and remembering some old adventures. But since I've effectively, for better or worse, through actions of my own choosing, through circumstances out of my control, but currently not really speaking to either of you I will throw these thoughts out into the divide.

I miss our adventures, Mule and Rain Fairy. So so much. I miss our laughter and our pictures and our sheer joy at being alive. Thank you for all the good times. 

I think of them fondly. 

So I'm still stressing about my finances. I've done the math and I *should* be okay but it's all on very tight margins and if something big comes up, the whole picture changes. Which is unsettling and still makes me really nervous. Awesome.

Anyway I was thinking that I'm going to have to talk to my mother about all of this when she gets home, and I think I will, but I also started today a Novena to Saint Anne, Mary's mother. And I was struck with the thought that I should ask my Holy Mother to help me and comfort me on these worries I have. So for the next few weeks I'm going to pray especially to Mary, in the hopes that she, like my earthly mother will do, will calm me and help me as she knows best. 

A Letter

Note: I wrote this just now to a friend, but I'm really pleased with how self reflective it is and I felt as though it also belonged here. It should also be noted that through everything I describe below, my faith and my Lord have sustained me. And I give so much gratitude to Him for guiding and supporting me. 

                I left work for half an hour today so that I could talk to Jacinta. It had been a really stressful day for her, and she called asking if we could talk. And so we went and had a quick coffee date, to talk and ensure that she was okay.

               

I tell you this not because I know you’re deeply invested in the inner-workings of my best friend’s and my relationship, but because the experience got me thinking about how happy I am that in the past year my priorities have shifted in such a way as to allow me to support my friends more. Not Jacinta specifically, but them in general. Libby will call me to tell me if she’s having a rough time. I dropped by Jordan’s house the other night because of a fight she and her dad had, and when Tiffany has a bad day, I go over to try to help. And I wasn’t in a position last year, nor did I want to be, where my friends could be a priority.

               

Being in a relationship that I openly believed to be my final one made it so that Craig was always my top priority. Always. Furthermore, it had me in a place and mindset where I was deeply dependant on him. So I never really devoted time to anything besides school and him. Nothing else was really a priority, including my friends or even really myself. All that really mattered to me was him and our relationship. And that absolutely wasn’t healthy, to make someone else my biggest priority, throwing everything, including myself, below that.

Leaving for Maryland was something that I did for me and no one else, and I’m so glad that I went. Had I not gone, Craig and I would probably still be together. But when we were breaking up, I didn’t even consider staying. I thought I was going to marry him, but I wouldn’t give up that trip. Not only did that say something about our relationship, but I’m really proud that I was able to put myself first for the first time in a long time.

                

Being there not only gave me the emotional and physical distance I needed from that ended relationship, but it also forced me to rely much more heavily on myself. And that was a really great experience to have. I’m lucky that I have friends to support and help me, but Maryland was something that I did almost entirely on my own. And that changed things. It was amazing to realize that I could do it. I had so much more confidence in myself after that trip.

                

And so, coming back was different. I was able to prioritize, for me, in a really healthy and pleasing way. I felt like this last semester I had a pretty decent balance of school, friends, and myself. I was able to do a lot more with my friends than I have in the past, but I was still focused in school, and I was able to give myself the appropriate amount of downtime.

                

Gaining that self-confidence and perspective and feeling like my life is in a really good place right now has just felt incredibly freeing and just plain good. Karen and I got into a big fight last week, and afterwards I just walked away. Not away from her per se, but from the situation. I’m not going to put effort into someone or something that won’t make the effort in return. And taking a step back from the situation, and from her, was definitely the right call for me and I’m glad that I made it. But I’m especially proud knowing that I could even make that call in the first place. Because I wouldn’t (and couldn’t) make that call at this time last year.

                

None of this is to say that my life is perfect, or that I don’t still have flaws or problems that I need to fix. But I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m really proud of all that I’ve accomplished and done in the last year, and I feel as though my life is exactly where it should be. I feel like I’m exactly where I’m meant to be, and that I’ve grown in ways that I’m proud of. And I’m very grateful, and proud, of that.

               

These are the thoughts that are on my mind tonight.  

Panicking Maybe

I'm feeling a little bit nervous because we're officially hitting the end of the summer and I feel like I've kind of lost control of my finances and I'm not sure how that happened. I keep having to make huge withdrawals for necessary things, but I'm not sure if my work this summer was enough to sustain those purchases, the car payment I have to make, and my personal discretionary fund for the next semester. And that thought is really upsetting to me. Not only am I concerned about *further* depleting my savings account, but it's really not okay that I didn't see this coming. That I wasn't as in control of my money and spending as I should have been. Or even as aware as I should have been. Plus, I thought things were okay. I miscalculated. That's also really frustrating that I didn't do the math properly.

I don't know. I need to pray about this, and I know He will help. I have plenty of money. Just not as much as I thought/hoped. And it's not okay for me to just have vague ideas of my finances anymore. When I go back to school, this is going to change. Paying actual bills and living a real-world life demands total awareness of finances. And I'm going to have that. It's just upsetting that I don't already.