I left
work for half an hour today so that I could talk to Jacinta. It had been a
really stressful day for her, and she called asking if we could talk. And so we
went and had a quick coffee date, to talk and ensure that she was okay.
I tell
you this not because I know you’re deeply invested in the inner-workings of my
best friend’s and my relationship, but because the experience got me thinking
about how happy I am that in the past year my priorities have shifted in such a
way as to allow me to support my friends more. Not Jacinta specifically, but
them in general. Libby will call me to tell me if she’s having a rough time. I
dropped by Jordan’s house the other night because of a fight she and her dad
had, and when Tiffany has a bad day, I go over to try to help. And I wasn’t in
a position last year, nor did I want to be, where my friends could be a
priority.
Being
in a relationship that I openly believed to be my final one made it so that
Craig was always my top priority. Always. Furthermore, it had me in a place and
mindset where I was deeply dependant on him. So I never really devoted time to
anything besides school and him. Nothing else was really a priority, including
my friends or even really myself. All that really mattered to me was him and
our relationship. And that absolutely wasn’t healthy, to make someone else my
biggest priority, throwing everything, including myself, below that.
Leaving
for Maryland was something that I did for me and no one else, and I’m so glad
that I went. Had I not gone, Craig and I would probably still be together. But
when we were breaking up, I didn’t even consider staying. I thought I was going
to marry him, but I wouldn’t give up that trip. Not only did that say something
about our relationship, but I’m really proud that I was able to put myself
first for the first time in a long time.
Being
there not only gave me the emotional and physical distance I needed from that
ended relationship, but it also forced me to rely much more heavily on myself. And
that was a really great experience to have. I’m lucky that I have friends to support
and help me, but Maryland was something that I did almost entirely on my own. And
that changed things. It was amazing to realize that I could do it. I had so much more confidence in myself after that
trip.
And so,
coming back was different. I was able to prioritize, for me, in a really
healthy and pleasing way. I felt like this last semester I had a pretty decent
balance of school, friends, and myself. I was able to do a lot more with my
friends than I have in the past, but I was still focused in school, and I was
able to give myself the appropriate amount of downtime.
Gaining
that self-confidence and perspective and feeling like my life is in a really
good place right now has just felt incredibly freeing and just plain good.
Karen and I got into a big fight last week, and afterwards I just walked away. Not
away from her per se, but from the situation. I’m not going to put effort into
someone or something that won’t make the effort in return. And taking a step
back from the situation, and from her, was definitely the right call for me and
I’m glad that I made it. But I’m especially proud knowing that I could even
make that call in the first place. Because I wouldn’t (and couldn’t) make that
call at this time last year.
None of
this is to say that my life is perfect, or that I don’t still have flaws or
problems that I need to fix. But I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m
really proud of all that I’ve accomplished and done in the last year, and I feel
as though my life is exactly where it should be. I feel like I’m exactly where I’m
meant to be, and that I’ve grown in ways that I’m proud of. And I’m very
grateful, and proud, of that.
These
are the thoughts that are on my mind tonight.
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