Not with a Bang

Hit me like a freight train in the middle of the ocean is like spinning falling out of control and not even knowing you were on a cliff is like head pounding pounding pounding not taking the tiniest step forward even though it’s right there is like screaming in a room full of people who think you’re just talking quietly is like not knowing how to ask for help or even if you need it is like begging for a shoulder to lean on but knowing you need to do this yourself but being so fucking terrified because alone and scary and not what I want is like knowing that I’m overreacting but not wanting to hear that because I’m so scared is like the little girl inside my head is in the corner with her eyes clenched shut and her hands clamped over her ears is like for the first time in a long time not knowing who to turn to or what to do next is like feeling helpless so helpless for no damn reason is like sitting very still and letting the tears roll down is like wanting to just stop moving and be numb is like knowing that would be the hardest most cataclysmic thing to do is like needing to do things more things three essays at least probably four plus tests and then best friend surprise and then family obligations and then making sure things are okay while feeling so not okay is like not knowing who to tell about that is like praying and not getting any answer at all is like sitting in my room and wondering where to go is like making too big of a deal and knowing that you’re going to cause a nervous breakdown if you think about it for one minute more.

Not with a bang but a whimper. The screaming is on the inside.  

I wish I could just run into you so that I could know how I'm going to react. Truthfully, this feels a lot stranger than I'm letting on. I just want to see you so that I can know what that feels like and adjust accordingly.

But at the root of this, all I keep thinking is, "I'm so mad at you, I'm so mad at you, I don't think I'm getting over this anytime soon."

It's hard to publicly pronounce you to be a good guy, tell everyone that we ended on good terms, and publicly give my blessing for your new relationship when privately I'm seething over your abandonment of our friendship. All I want to say is, "He's an asshole who rarely thinks of anyone but himself."

I don't say that. I'm better than that.

Doesn't mean I don't feel it though. I'm mourning your loss in a different way these days. And that loss is hard to come to terms with in relationship to my fury at you.

Because how can you miss someone you want to scream at? 

What makes You special

is not that you have all the answers
or that you could make my life better
brighter smarter bigger

No, it is the fact
that you want to see
and do see
every little part of me

and still love me all the more for it.

When I Die

When I die, say what you want to say, not what you think should be said. No forced jovialities, no overlying themes, no required party lines. Say what you feel inside you. Make it real. Give me genuine.

No one should feel pressured to mention God. He wants your honesty as much as I do. Don’t express hope unless you feel it. Find the line between sorrow and joy and walk wherever you want. Cross the line. Pretend it doesn’t exist.

Funerals are for the living. The words spoken should help the speaker as much, if not more, than the listeners.

Tell them that no one knows where I am now but I had faith and that’s all that matters.

Tell them I felt every minute of my rich, little, boring life. That I was deeply blessed and not grateful enough to deserve the countless beautiful infinities that made my life good. Tell them that my life was filled with warmth, laughter, pain, and faith and that was more than enough for me.

Tell them Hemingway made me cry and Bill Bryson made me laugh. Tell them the best moments of my life nearly always involved being around water and that long car rides with the people I loved on our way to adventures filled my heart with joy. Make sure they know that some infinities are bigger than other infinities but that I remembered them all.

Give my pearls to my sister, my Mexican bracelets to Karen, and my clothes to Jacinta.

Give my books to everyone. People will know what they need to take. But take This Side of Paradise to a used book store where it will be discovered and appreciated by someone new. Someone like me.

Tell them I loved them. Oh, lord, let them know how I loved them with every fiber of my being, my whole life long.

Tell Jacinta she was my other half and she will roll her eyes because she knew that already but she also knew that I needed to tell her one last time. Tell Karen she was the special one in all the best ways and she will understand. Tell Victor he saved me; tell Tiffany and Victoria that they were my favorite companions. Tell my mother she made me, my father that I loved him for all the ways he tried his hardest. Tell my brothers they made my life good and tell my sister she made me proud.

Tell the people I haven’t met yet the things they need to hear, the things that are real. Make sure they know, that they all know, that the best parts of me were what I learned from all of them.

And when my heart no longer beats, tell them that it’s carried in theirs now.

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart) ~ ee cummings

Note: A dear family friend passed away very suddenly this past week and after his funeral today, I was struck with thoughts of how delicate the thoughts voiced at funerals often are, and the sentiments that I would want to leave behind after my death. And so I wrote this. Names not changed because of artistic license. 

Truth is I love you deeper than I think I've loved anyone, but I'm not sure if that means that we should be together. 

I'm not sure if either of us are willing to make the sacrifices necessary for that.

I'd move there. I'd move anywhere. But I want a lot of things and I don't know if you want to give those things to me. 

Straight to the Heart

Written to me by one of my mentors, these are some of the kindest, most encouraging words I've received in awhile. They're lovely.

I decided this would be the perfect valentine for you this year-- because it can be representative of what 2013 can be for you --> no more recrimination, no more castigation: go straight to the heart of what you want and who you want to be. Get to the heart of what drives you, motivates you, and makes you BURN bright. And chase that love. FEEL THAT LOVE... even if it's a little piercing! I believe in it-- and you! 

I Know You.

I know you. And I know that you must be ridiculously excited to see me because you mention my trip every time we talk now. And you took such delight in saying, "see you in a few weeks" as goodbye tonight. 

I savor you.