Not with a Bang

Hit me like a freight train in the middle of the ocean is like spinning falling out of control and not even knowing you were on a cliff is like head pounding pounding pounding not taking the tiniest step forward even though it’s right there is like screaming in a room full of people who think you’re just talking quietly is like not knowing how to ask for help or even if you need it is like begging for a shoulder to lean on but knowing you need to do this yourself but being so fucking terrified because alone and scary and not what I want is like knowing that I’m overreacting but not wanting to hear that because I’m so scared is like the little girl inside my head is in the corner with her eyes clenched shut and her hands clamped over her ears is like for the first time in a long time not knowing who to turn to or what to do next is like feeling helpless so helpless for no damn reason is like sitting very still and letting the tears roll down is like wanting to just stop moving and be numb is like knowing that would be the hardest most cataclysmic thing to do is like needing to do things more things three essays at least probably four plus tests and then best friend surprise and then family obligations and then making sure things are okay while feeling so not okay is like not knowing who to tell about that is like praying and not getting any answer at all is like sitting in my room and wondering where to go is like making too big of a deal and knowing that you’re going to cause a nervous breakdown if you think about it for one minute more.

Not with a bang but a whimper. The screaming is on the inside.