I Love Him.

I'll probably never understand this strange mixture of love I have for you, this equal parts longing and attraction, comfort and familiarity. How you are someone I can so easily go gaga over but then look at you the next moment and realize how much of a brother you are to me. You feel like family to me, and then you don't. So many jumbled up kinds of love for you.

Our relationship is so different from one day to the next and even more so it's so different from year to year. And this year has brought about some of our biggest changes yet, and not always in a good way. We went from part-time lovers who slept in the same bed just to be near another breathing soul; to people trying to get back to being friends, which was really hard when one of us felt like the other one would never look her in the fucking eyes; to finally making that adjustment just in time for you to share with me some deep, dark parts of your beautiful insides. Not to mention that even after we stopped allowing ourselves to be comforted by each other, we still saw each other all the time. You do laundry at my house. I have keys to yours. We're a family, babe, our family of Bears. The point is, the us that is is not the us that was even three months ago. Nor are we the us that existed six months, a year, five years, TEN years ago. For better or for worse, at times.

But the biggest change we've been through lately is how you don't seem to lie to me anymore. I know that there are things I still don't know about you, things I may not ever know about you, but ever since you unburdened yourself to me about some heavy things, you don't seem to put in the effort in lying to me anymore. We drove around town tonight, running errands, and you were frustrated as hell. But you told me why. You talked about it. I don't know if it helped you, but it helped me. You don't lie to me anymore and I love it.

So yeah, I don't know if it was worth it, all the changes and heartache we went through that brought us to this point. But I'm so glad that this is the point we're at now. The point of not lying. Of not sharing everything, but of knowing that you can share the big stuff. Love you. Always. Love you.