Things I Miss (and/or Vicious Little Thoughts)

I miss the way you smile at me and the way I could lean into you without thinking.

The way you tell me over the phone, "But you'll catch me up next week, right? Promise? I love you," makes me melt.

I miss our dinners. I miss sitting on my front porch with you, smoking cigarettes and drinking beer. I miss putting my feet in your lap and you absentmindedly tapped on them.

I miss your rugged laugh.

So much of you is back, now that you've left, but that just means I miss you all the more. Now that you're more YOU, there's more to miss, as strange as that is to say.

Even more so is the fact that this separation has done wonders for our friendship. This helped us tremendously. But now that we're back to a good place... I miss you more.

I miss you, I miss you. No place like home when you're my home.

It makes them angry, you know. That for every one time they talk to you, I've talked to you at least three. That I visited and have plans to visit again, and they can't seem to make it work. That for some reason, what we've been saying from the beginning is true:I'm your best friend. I'm special. I know more, and for that, I'm honored.

Vicious vicious of me to be proud and don't I know it. But I'm tired of them acting like we were just the same.

Anyways. Today I miss you more. Come home to me soon, please.

But a Whimper

Went to sleep with a pounding heart, afraid of what I’d wake up to. Woke up to a note, seems to be our only form of communication these days, that said everything and nothing at all. Went to work, paid more attention to my phone and the lifelines it brought me than the children in front of me. Made a plan.

And watched the minutes tick by.

Went into that movie theater, all on my own and with no shame. Lights went down.

And I cried.

Typical, of course. Crying. My main mode of emotion it seems. One that I’d been holding back from all day, and really, all through this.

But the lights went down and the music came up and I cried.

Because I’m a sucker for a song and dance, of course. Cute children, check. Nostalgic music, check. I was a goner from the beginning. But it was more than that.

I cried for what I did not know.

I cried because I’ve inflicted “great hurt” and for the life of me I can’t figure out what that is.

I cried because of what I’ve known for months I was losing and yet today was irrevocably lost.

I cried because I’m so lucky and so happy and this shatters me.

I cried because I was in a movie about finding your family and I’ve lost what, a year ago, I viewed as part of mine.

I cried because Annie gets to wear printed floral skinny jeans and I cannot.

I cried because my future that I am going to achieve is so close and yet so far away. And I’m wasting this in-between feeling sad instead of relishment.

I cried because a girl I used to fondly refer to as Mama Bear will not look me in my eyes—and whether or not I believe I have, she believes I have and that is her reality.

I cried because I still cannot figure out what I did and instead of accepting that fact, it haunts me.

I cried because my living situation, toxic enough for myself, is impacting my cat in a tangibly negative manner.

I cried because no matter what I have done, I do not deserve this treatment. That this treatment at the hands of a supposed friend means that I will never look at someone I love the same way again.

I cried because the repeated assurances of those I love and trust, the people who have proven to be in my corner, are not enough.

That more than ever, I feel like my least favorite character from my favorite book, a beautiful little fool who carelessly smashes and leaves it in her wake.

I cried for the melodrama, that my life is so blessed and yet this is what I’m focusing on this evening.

I know the answers. And more so, I can accept that some are the wrong ones, and some are ones I’ll never know. But I mourn the loss of what was. I mourn what is.

I wish I was stronger. I’m not afraid to be the girl who cries in movie theaters. I’m afraid of what comes next—rather, that nothing comes next.

This is the way a world ends. Let’s see if I’m wise enough to read the next chapter. 

Feeling like i'm in the middle of a day long panic attack which is unusual but unsurprising considering how freaked i am about a million and one things right now number one being how i'm doing me and i'm barely holding a lot together and then i get ragged on for not doing more here at work or with my friends and what the actual fuck please just leave me alone if i want to go to bed at ten o'clock every night why the hell does it bother you so much and then there's the fact that i can then convince myself that because my life is quieter and less drunk than a year ago that means i have less friends despite all evidence to the contrary like how many people have talked me down in the last two weeks and how many people have asked for my time in the last two weeks i mean come on i'm just freaking out over nothing

and then there's the whole grad school issue that i'm again falling behind on because of a million other obligations not to mention how actually looking at the school i'm most likely going to brought up a lot of unhappy memories from maryland like yeah i got K from that and it was so so worth it for that great love but fuck i was scared and lonely and i didn't fully commit to being there and it fucked me up and now i'm going to do it again but i'm twenty-three and hopefully that means i am older and braver and will fucking approach this with maryland behind me knowing that if i did that and got my love from it then i can do this and get something great out of it as well

let's hope

but i'm scared

and i just want to be with my girls but then there's the issue that i will be seeing K so soon but i am more nervous for this trip than i have for any other and i need to stay on the mindset of no expectations because it always works out best for us that way when we don't expect anything really from each other but the fact that she's worried about this trip being just us has me worried and i don't want to spend a whole week bickering and getting sick of each other i just want to be with her and then i worry that by worrying it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy and i need to just focus on how we've made so much work that of course we can do this

but fuck worrying then i'm so over it

things are going to work out

this i believe

it's the middle part until the things are worked out that i can't handle. 

Growth

I don't know if I'm waiting for you, but at this point I'm not sure I particularly care.

What I will say is that this year, this time, I haven't made any decisions regarding my personal life that I feel guilty about. I wake up in my bed alone every weekend morning and feel okay. I go about my day, spend my time with people, do important things.

And love you.

My life is crazy difficult these days, but it's not in a secretive way and I'm pretty proud.

Also I love you and I'm sticking with this as long as it feels right. As long as you send me surprise presents and call me just to hear the sound of my voice. As long as fighting with you doesn't keep me up at night and we apologize to each other when we're in the wrong. As long as calla lilies remind you of me and yellow roses remind me of you.

Sometimes, I am so in love with you, I can hardly stand it.

And this is from such a distance. What would it be like if we were in the same place? 

My life is comprised of a dozen different aspects, all compiled together. All of which are my own.

Sometimes I think it's hard for people to understand that, except for Best Friend and the Girl.

If I think hard enough, I can remember the taste of that first fall break, for years ago. Is that strange? But I can't describe it.

I could also taste Maryland, but I also don't have the words for that.