Spain

Taking time to remember that this apartment, while only my home for about six months was home.

This is where I got to set up all of my stuff. The home for which I spent all summer looking for furniture. Filled it with my books. Took pieces of furniture from my old homes and put them here.

This is where she visited me. My porch is where we watched one of the most intense rainstorms I've ever seen and I made her dance with me in the rain. My kitchen where we danced at least twice, where we made our special drink, where she, within hours of being here, looked at me and said, "I could do this."

This apartment was where Best Friend and I crashed after adventures. Where Vert came to visit and I made sure that he could jump on my super high bed (that I made with my father specifically for this apartment). This apartment has held everyone I love, at least once. It's a shame it didn't hold them all at the same time, but they were all here.

This apartment is where I climbed up one story of stairs late at night and early in the morning, hungover, sick, exhausted, in yesterday's clothes, with cigarette smoke in my hair, smeared make-up, so many thoughts. This is where I never felt ashamed for the food or drinks I brought home-- and there was always at least one bottle of champagne in my fridge.

This dining room is where I would sit with Roommate in the morning, after she got home from work and before I left for school, and we caught each other up on our lives. This living room where I fell asleep next to my loves watching movies. This bedroom where I lay in bed, filled with thoughts of joy and pain. The window next to my bed that I would look at in the middle of the night, when I couldn't sleep because my heart hurt too much from missing her. This bed where I jumped on with people, dogs, books, and more often than anything, Chinese food.

I was only here for six months, and I'm so excited for where I'm living next. But this was a good apartment and it was home.

When she leaves, there will be a lot less holding me here. 

It keeps feeling like I have less and less reasons to stay here. And I'm hoping like crazy that those are signs that I'm not staying here much longer.

God, I want to leave. Please. 

Never Going Back

So last night at dinner, Sam was telling a story that I hadn't heard before, and I was kind of shocked that I didn't know this story. And he looked at me with a kind-of pained expression and goes, "That happened the summer you weren't talking to any of us."

To clarify, he only phrased it that way because that's always the way I phrase it. He wasn't trying to be mean or vindictive. But that's the second story of something BIG that happened two years ago that I only found out about recently. Because when those stories were actually happening, I only talked to my boyfriend.

So much of that relationship was unhealthy, but this part continues to hurt the most. That because of our relationship, I never spoke to the majority of my friends.

It wasn't okay and I don't ever want to go back to that sort of relationship.

I have a weird relationship with exhaustion. I was sitting here, preparing to write a high and mighty post about how I never use exhaustion as an excuse not to do something, and then I realized that was wrong.

I should have been applying for jobs for at least a month before now, but I used the excuse that I was exhausted. I could have been packing last night and I should pack tomorrow and Thursday, but I know I will say that I'm exhausted and I need a rest.

I prioritize everything, and I just now realized that very specific things are a priority above my level of tiredness. And I'm okay with that, I'm okay with my priorities, but I need to at least own up to that instead of generalizing and giving myself more credit than I deserve.

What I mean to say is, I've never let being exhausted or burnt out prevent me from completing my responsibilities. Even that isn't quite true, but it's what I'm going with right now.

I wish I could explain this exhaustion though. Because it's not physical even a little bit, although it does lead to more physical tiredness. This is a completely mental exhaustion and I don't know how to fix it.

What I do know is that I'm exhausted and I still wrote over forty pages in the last two weeks. Pretty damn proud of myself.

Love Them.

To the boy who promised to roadtrip with me to Utah anytime I wanted, the boy who exchanged best friend stories with me, and to the girl who stayed by my side the whole damn night-- thank you.

It means more than you know.

Maybe I'd like to go back to being five years old again.

But then I wouldn't know either of you. The two most important women in my life. My loves. 

Don't know where we're all going but I know you're with me. 

Writing this Down because the Last 36 Hours have been Crazy

Yesterday: Broke my lease. Went to work. Went to one class, then left for mini-road trip.

Yesterday, 10:00 p.m.: Leave basketball game to go home (three hour drive). Sleep not even a little bit. Sam's shoulder is not in advantageous spot for sleeping.

Today, 1:00 a.m.: Get back to boys' place, collectively decide to stay there. I decide I'll get up with Sam to go to work so he can take me to my car.

3:00 a.m.: Wake up with Sam, get driven to car. Snowing like mad. Drive to MY home, stay awake through grace of God.

4:00 a.m.: Get home and am immediately wide awake. Browse internet for nearly an hour. Decide that sleep is probably a good thing, as have a million things to do today.

8:00 a.m.: Alarm number one goes off. Hit snooze, decide to sleep for another hour.

9:00 a.m.: Drag myself out of bed. Comb hair, decide that's enough for personal care today. Finish filling out new apartment application, go to apartment office to get forms filled out.

10:00 a.m.: Meet up with new roommate. Tour potential apartments, turn in applications, decide on apartment, and put deposit on the one we like the best. Set an actual move-in date, contingent on our credit check coming back approved. All within the span of an hour.

11:00 a.m.: Get to work. Decide to never have such a crazy 36 hours ever again. Realize that must go to class and do work on multiple essays, all on four hours of sleep. Once again resolve to make better life choices.

The snow is beautiful today and is adding a gorgeous background to my chaotic life.