Conflicted.

Do you know how much I hate that we don't talk anymore? The fact that we literally haven't said a word to each other in months drives me crazy. We don't acknowledge holidays, birthdays, or even just those random bits that we liked together.

We. Don't. Talk.

And I hate it. And I hate that it bothers me. Because why would I want to talk to you? I wouldn't know what to say to you. 

How about, that girl you thought was a phase isn't one. And she treats me better from 1300 miles away than you ever did from within the same city. How about, I know I wasn't the person you thought I was and I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry you aren't proud of where I'm going with my life. I'm proud and that's all that matters. How about, I really like my life these days. That the last two years have been tumultuous and eventful and better than I ever expected. I love the people in my life, I love how I look in my life, and I love how I'm never able to see the changes coming. My life is better and good. 

How about, I'm really worried that the same can't be said for you. That you're making the same mistakes over and over and you still don't know where you're going. How about, I know that isn't my place to say that. But I wish it was my place to tell you that I miss you, flaws and all.

I miss our friendship. Despite the disintegration of our relationship, how badly we *both* treated each other, how angry I know we both are at each other, I miss you and our conversations and our jokes and I'm sad that a person I met when I was 13 will not speak to me. 

She says we will, someday, can I tell you that? She thinks we'll get coffee sometime and be able to go over everything. I'm not so sure. 

I know you and I know that every time you think of me and think of picking up the phone to just say hello, you get distracted by something. And then you forget. So no, I don't expect to hear from you. Ever. And if there does come a day when you remember enough to text me, I expect I'll be long gone. I think it will happen when I'm in an entirely different state and I think that when I tell you that, you will be shocked to know that I moved without you knowing. 

But that's what happens when two people don't talk. I know it's for the best and I know it's okay. But I do miss you.