Past and Present

Sitting in my room

Thinking about the pretty little girl I’ve become

“Delicate” I’m told

And how the lady with green eyes I see when I look in the mirror

Is completely unrecognizable

From the pretty little child I used to be

She wouldn’t recognize the girl in the mirror either

Wondering what to make of this

Was it my past self that was disillusioned?

Simply the naïve insipid dreams of a child?

Or is my present self wrong?

Should I strive to be the person I thought I was going to be?

But the problem is

I can’t remember who I was meant to become

I can’t remember what my seven year old self

Saw in her future

All I know

Is that this

Me

I

Am not it.

Tranquility

Sitting on a bench
With my head on your shoulder
Was the best part of my yesterday.

Nearly midnight

I cannot sleep. My head is filled with the angst I used to disdain.

Forest fire

More wood keeps getting added to

What began as a flickering spark

But what is now a searing bonfire

That threatens to consume the forest around us.

But like every flame

It quivers and wavers

Falters with doubt.

There is nothing solid about fire

And when everything is burned down

When the fire burns itself up

What’s left?

What happens to the consumed when the fire dies out?  

I did not write this

But it explains how perfectly I feel about a certain someone that I had to share.

There’s one thing I want to say, so I’ll be brave

You were what I wanted

I gave what I gave

I’m not sorry I met you

I’m not sorry it’s over

I’m not sorry there’s nothing to save

For every high there is a low

I am not ready for this weekend to end. I hate feeling alone. These are the thoughts running through my head right now:
1. I really wish she would call me. Why are things so off between us?
2. Why does he act that way?
3. I want to tell you everything.
4. I miss her so so much. She needs to get on Skype so I can hear her lovely voice and see her pretty face.

If I am a hummingbird, will you be a hummingbird with me?

Rain Fairies

Walking through the rain

Barefoot

Under a blue umbrella

given to me by a stranger

Drops splattering down our arms

Backs

Legs

We oohed at the tranquil tension of the storm

We laughed at the people around us

Who were frantic

While we were

Elated.

Splashing through life today

Made us alive

Connected us

To forces we love to embrace.

Purple Sky

“Oh, yeah,” she responded when I pointed out how beautiful the sky was

And I immediately thought of you

How if you had been with me

You would have exclaimed at its beauty

And we would have sighed

Taken a silent moment

To appreciate the inexhaustible beauty

Of everyday life.

You are the most beautiful person I know

For loving life with every fiber of your being

And now I hate spending time with anyone but you

Because I love feeling the vibrancy of life every second.

Viewing the world through your eyes

Makes me

Happier

Than I’ve been in a long time.

I might

Stay in bed all day. That seems to be the best idea I've had since I've woken up.

Last Week

Last week

At this time

I was going to a museum

With people I didn't know

And now

One of those people

Is quickly becoming a very good friend.

Please don't think I am creepy, K

Or far too obsessive

I am just in desperate need of a new friend

To whom I can spill every word

Of my tulmultuous mind

And you fit the bill perfectly.

And P.S.

You are lovely even when you think you're not

And I enjoyed hearing your confessions

From your tulmultuous mind.

This is beautiful and true

I wish you were always the boy you were in my bed whispering warm secrets in my ear.

My life

The little lines I come up with throughout the day are either exceptionally poignant or terribly dull, I can't tell.

Photos are poetry too, right?

I want to go to Cairo.

I am mesmerized by this image.

Fluttering Hummingbird

I am a hummingbird

And I long to move onto a new garden

This one is ever so slightly

Barely noticeably

Wilting.

My instincts tell me

These flowers will soon have no use for me

The dazzling colors are beginning

To clash with my own jewel tones.

I hope to soon find

Flowers of colors

That better compliment mine.

The chaos of my mind

I am a being of conflicted feelings today


Ying and yang

I want to cry

I want to laugh and scream

I want to sleep

I want to stay awake forever and never lose consciousness

Resolution is impossible

My empty self cannot be filled

The aching emptiness is what causes this confliction

Because what I want

What I really want

The most

More than anything

Is to be out of my head!

I can’t be here anymore.

Just leave me alone.

Just stay with me forever.

Anything for me to stop thinking.

Ugh

This weekend was ridiculous. Tulmultuous. But uneventful. Most of the chaos took place inside my head.

My big secret

Even though I appear to be the most decisive person on the planet, even though I hate being wishy-washy, even though I despise people who are indecisive... I am one of those people. The recurring phrase in my life is "I don't know."

This is not about who you think it is

Even though I'm getting tired of whatever it is we're doing together, it still hurts when I don't hear from you.

 I don't know what to think.

Out of sorts

I can't do anything right today

I'm mean or nice to the wrong people

And they in turn make me tremendously angry

I despise everyone

I say the wrong things

And no one says the right things to me

So I am going to lie here alone

And attempt to heal

My mouth

My mind

My soul.

I hope you're not insulted

Bah. I'm bored of this. I'm not sure whether we'll get past that block.

Anticipation is both the best and worst feeling in the world
Knowing something will happen
But I am impatient.
So impatient.

Today is not a good day

I think I talked myself into believing I am lonely.

I am not an exception

We are the apathetic youth

We are the ones who see the problems

And yet

Don't do anything

Won't do anything

To bring about change.

Laziness and procrastination are our plagues

Our parents and grandparents threw rocks

Back in the day

But we can't even muster the energy to pick up pebbles

Instead

We get angry

And turn even more into ourselves and our egotistical worlds

Focus more on the people focusing on us

We flout our opinions but refuse to follow through

When action is suggested, we shrink back

We will not volunteer.

We are self-aware subjects who will not take a stand

And when the world ends

We will be the ones proclaiming "I told you so!"

Never realizing our own hypocrisy.

This weekend

Home was exactly the same as I forgot.

Sparkling

That was a lovely night

We didn't need the stars

Because we had the glowing, shining storefronts

And more than that

We had ourselves

Our laughter lingered brightly above us

Our prancing created sparks where we stepped

And maybe I'm reading too much into it

Giving that night too much significance

But isn't that what this is all about?

Caring too much?

Feeling too much?

I'd rather feel too much than too little.

And so the memory of that lovely night

Still sparkles brightly in my mind.

Hahahahaha

I win.
We're terrible at being friends.

My thoughts today

Is it really Thursday? Every week here seems twice as long. But I cannot remember where my time went.

I want to go home! Today is already off to a bad start.

This is new

You’re really sweet


But I don’t know if you’re just being nice

Or if you’re actually interested in me.

I really hope you are

Because you’re cute

And funny

And our conversations make me happy

I just want to wrap my arms around your waist

And smile as you lean down and

Kiss me.

I haven’t felt this way in a long time.

So I really hope you’re interested

I want to continue to smile when I think of you.

J

You are pretty


And cute

And just like me

Missing you is like missing myself

People get annoyed when I talk about how much I miss you

Constantly

But they don’t get that you being gone

Is like losing my voice

Or more like losing an ear

Because no one listens to me like you do

I also hate not being with you

And knowing that you need me

To tell you things

Like you’re pretty

And cute

And everybody thinks so.

Too fast

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
If I mess this up I will be so mad
And it will be your fault
Because I can hardly remember
The last time I relationshipped at a normal pace

Flirtation

I have forgotten how to flirt


Which is pretty fucking pathetic

I didn’t realize until this summer

That I was one of those girls

Who always had a boyfriend

And I got those boyfriends

By manipulating situations

I am wonderful when alone with someone

I know exactly what to do—

when alone—

to make someone fall in love with me.

But in public?

God, I haven’t done that in years

I know

That I am

funny

smart

And utterly beautiful

But I don’t know how to flirt with you

Take me somewhere

Anywhere

And I’ll make you fall in love with me too.

My main thought of the day

Today I am a Parisian schoolgirl
 Which pleases me tremendously

Private

Yeah, I know it’s private.

I probably shouldn’t tell

About the soppy

Smiling,

Goofy mess

You reduced me to after that night.

I shouldn’t tell

About the first

Scary,

Wonderful time

We did that.

But what’s the point then?

What’s the use of having

Blissful

Secret

Moments that you can’t tell?

Even though I know.

You know.

But I need to tell.

They need to know.

Because it’s me.

That doesn’t make any sense.

I don't know why I can't finish this thought

I wished for fire and I got you. Too late I discovered that I was a moth, and you, the very thing I desired, were the thing that could destroy me.

Sacred

All of them blur together, those nights.


Which one told me my body was flawless?

Which one told me he loved me?

I love them equally.

Those nights, I mean.

When you smile for just one person

And laughter is muted

But joyous and contagious

Which one did I want the most?

I couldn’t tell you.

The boys, I did not love equally, but the nights…

I can’t distinguish one from the other.

Isn’t it wonderful to reminisce?

Remember when he took your face in his hands

And kissed you with such adoration…

Which boy was that again?

I live for those nights

When everything is private

And everything is sacred.

Part of me

I wish I knew how to love anyone but you


No that’s not true

I wish I could love without you

That loving without your permission didn’t feel so

Wrong

But do I?

Whenever I think these thoughts I always regress

And feel the

Heart-pounding

Panic-inducing

Sweaty messiness

That comes over me when I think of myself without you

Why are things so wrong between us now?

Am I still a part of you?

Because I don’t know how to detach myself from you

Which is at once both the most comforting and terrifying thought in the world.