Feeling like i'm in the middle of a day long panic attack which is unusual but unsurprising considering how freaked i am about a million and one things right now number one being how i'm doing me and i'm barely holding a lot together and then i get ragged on for not doing more here at work or with my friends and what the actual fuck please just leave me alone if i want to go to bed at ten o'clock every night why the hell does it bother you so much and then there's the fact that i can then convince myself that because my life is quieter and less drunk than a year ago that means i have less friends despite all evidence to the contrary like how many people have talked me down in the last two weeks and how many people have asked for my time in the last two weeks i mean come on i'm just freaking out over nothing

and then there's the whole grad school issue that i'm again falling behind on because of a million other obligations not to mention how actually looking at the school i'm most likely going to brought up a lot of unhappy memories from maryland like yeah i got K from that and it was so so worth it for that great love but fuck i was scared and lonely and i didn't fully commit to being there and it fucked me up and now i'm going to do it again but i'm twenty-three and hopefully that means i am older and braver and will fucking approach this with maryland behind me knowing that if i did that and got my love from it then i can do this and get something great out of it as well

let's hope

but i'm scared

and i just want to be with my girls but then there's the issue that i will be seeing K so soon but i am more nervous for this trip than i have for any other and i need to stay on the mindset of no expectations because it always works out best for us that way when we don't expect anything really from each other but the fact that she's worried about this trip being just us has me worried and i don't want to spend a whole week bickering and getting sick of each other i just want to be with her and then i worry that by worrying it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy and i need to just focus on how we've made so much work that of course we can do this

but fuck worrying then i'm so over it

things are going to work out

this i believe

it's the middle part until the things are worked out that i can't handle. 

Growth

I don't know if I'm waiting for you, but at this point I'm not sure I particularly care.

What I will say is that this year, this time, I haven't made any decisions regarding my personal life that I feel guilty about. I wake up in my bed alone every weekend morning and feel okay. I go about my day, spend my time with people, do important things.

And love you.

My life is crazy difficult these days, but it's not in a secretive way and I'm pretty proud.

Also I love you and I'm sticking with this as long as it feels right. As long as you send me surprise presents and call me just to hear the sound of my voice. As long as fighting with you doesn't keep me up at night and we apologize to each other when we're in the wrong. As long as calla lilies remind you of me and yellow roses remind me of you.

Sometimes, I am so in love with you, I can hardly stand it.

And this is from such a distance. What would it be like if we were in the same place? 

My life is comprised of a dozen different aspects, all compiled together. All of which are my own.

Sometimes I think it's hard for people to understand that, except for Best Friend and the Girl.

If I think hard enough, I can remember the taste of that first fall break, for years ago. Is that strange? But I can't describe it.

I could also taste Maryland, but I also don't have the words for that.

So many words today in this head of mine and I guess I'm not going to do them justice by just writing a stream of consciousness.

A student who interviewed me for a biography essay today asked me if i was at peace with my life and i gave the honest answer which is yes and i need to remember that more because too often i forget how good this feels how good my own skin feels particularly on days like this because my god there is such bad in this world but a student wanted to interview me can you believe it i am so honored to be someone this beautiful wonderful girl admires and i wish i could explain to her how much more i admire her. i hate certain aspects of this job and i find myself every once in awhile wishing i was still where i was but my god these kids i love them i love them i cannot find words other than that that they give me so much that i never knew i wanted. i am so overwhelmed by that.

she also asked me if i had ever been in love and i answered truthfully but not wholly because i said yes but i had to avoid using gendered pronouns and that was so hard but it is always so revitalizing to describe to someone how good this someone has been for me. i've been in love more than once i told her but this time now it's different it's better it's so much more than i ever knew existed. i can't ever go back to anything less than this now i told her. this has shown me what a good love can be and how it is so much deeper than i ever knew and i can't imagine swimming higher for less than this. and it lightened my heart to remember that after a weekend of bickering and frustration that at the end of the day this has shaped me in good and powerful ways and i continue to be amazed and grateful for that and its constancy. it's different when you know that no matter what happens a person will always love you i told her. even if this ends which it very well may i will never doubt that they love me and that i love them and that is so powerful i told her.

last night i stumbled across a blog written by an old classmate of mine that i admired so and i was reminded by how much better and more powerful her words are than mine. i am so envious of her talent but i cannot begrudge her for it because she works at her words every single day even when she doesn't want to and i am so afraid of mine and i am so lazy that when i think i should write i don't always, instead going to watch tv or read or just avoid my words altogether. she works on hers every day and it shows and i am envious and inspired because her words are so fucking good i can't get enough. i need to write more and better and i need to stop being afraid of what is in my head because i know better.

dammit this week has been so fucking hard and then there are days like today where i can see so clearly how overwhelmingly blessed and lucky i am and i need to remember that more. how even though i am not in school i am still learning things every day and i am so vitalized by that constant learning that constant illumination god i hope it never stops. also how a word that i keep repeating these days so much more than ever is love love love love in so many different ways but i can't stop won't stop saying it seeing those loves and god i hope they stay.

Gonna try to handle this differently this time.

Which means:

Expanding my boundaries and making new friends.

Writing more.


Amongst other things. But those are two easily achievable goals, things I can focus on within the next few weeks. Time to live this life.