So many words today in this head of mine and I guess I'm not going to do them justice by just writing a stream of consciousness.

A student who interviewed me for a biography essay today asked me if i was at peace with my life and i gave the honest answer which is yes and i need to remember that more because too often i forget how good this feels how good my own skin feels particularly on days like this because my god there is such bad in this world but a student wanted to interview me can you believe it i am so honored to be someone this beautiful wonderful girl admires and i wish i could explain to her how much more i admire her. i hate certain aspects of this job and i find myself every once in awhile wishing i was still where i was but my god these kids i love them i love them i cannot find words other than that that they give me so much that i never knew i wanted. i am so overwhelmed by that.

she also asked me if i had ever been in love and i answered truthfully but not wholly because i said yes but i had to avoid using gendered pronouns and that was so hard but it is always so revitalizing to describe to someone how good this someone has been for me. i've been in love more than once i told her but this time now it's different it's better it's so much more than i ever knew existed. i can't ever go back to anything less than this now i told her. this has shown me what a good love can be and how it is so much deeper than i ever knew and i can't imagine swimming higher for less than this. and it lightened my heart to remember that after a weekend of bickering and frustration that at the end of the day this has shaped me in good and powerful ways and i continue to be amazed and grateful for that and its constancy. it's different when you know that no matter what happens a person will always love you i told her. even if this ends which it very well may i will never doubt that they love me and that i love them and that is so powerful i told her.

last night i stumbled across a blog written by an old classmate of mine that i admired so and i was reminded by how much better and more powerful her words are than mine. i am so envious of her talent but i cannot begrudge her for it because she works at her words every single day even when she doesn't want to and i am so afraid of mine and i am so lazy that when i think i should write i don't always, instead going to watch tv or read or just avoid my words altogether. she works on hers every day and it shows and i am envious and inspired because her words are so fucking good i can't get enough. i need to write more and better and i need to stop being afraid of what is in my head because i know better.

dammit this week has been so fucking hard and then there are days like today where i can see so clearly how overwhelmingly blessed and lucky i am and i need to remember that more. how even though i am not in school i am still learning things every day and i am so vitalized by that constant learning that constant illumination god i hope it never stops. also how a word that i keep repeating these days so much more than ever is love love love love in so many different ways but i can't stop won't stop saying it seeing those loves and god i hope they stay.

Gonna try to handle this differently this time.

Which means:

Expanding my boundaries and making new friends.

Writing more.


Amongst other things. But those are two easily achievable goals, things I can focus on within the next few weeks. Time to live this life.