So I'm still stressing about my finances. I've done the math and I *should* be okay but it's all on very tight margins and if something big comes up, the whole picture changes. Which is unsettling and still makes me really nervous. Awesome.

Anyway I was thinking that I'm going to have to talk to my mother about all of this when she gets home, and I think I will, but I also started today a Novena to Saint Anne, Mary's mother. And I was struck with the thought that I should ask my Holy Mother to help me and comfort me on these worries I have. So for the next few weeks I'm going to pray especially to Mary, in the hopes that she, like my earthly mother will do, will calm me and help me as she knows best. 

A Letter

Note: I wrote this just now to a friend, but I'm really pleased with how self reflective it is and I felt as though it also belonged here. It should also be noted that through everything I describe below, my faith and my Lord have sustained me. And I give so much gratitude to Him for guiding and supporting me. 

                I left work for half an hour today so that I could talk to Jacinta. It had been a really stressful day for her, and she called asking if we could talk. And so we went and had a quick coffee date, to talk and ensure that she was okay.

               

I tell you this not because I know you’re deeply invested in the inner-workings of my best friend’s and my relationship, but because the experience got me thinking about how happy I am that in the past year my priorities have shifted in such a way as to allow me to support my friends more. Not Jacinta specifically, but them in general. Libby will call me to tell me if she’s having a rough time. I dropped by Jordan’s house the other night because of a fight she and her dad had, and when Tiffany has a bad day, I go over to try to help. And I wasn’t in a position last year, nor did I want to be, where my friends could be a priority.

               

Being in a relationship that I openly believed to be my final one made it so that Craig was always my top priority. Always. Furthermore, it had me in a place and mindset where I was deeply dependant on him. So I never really devoted time to anything besides school and him. Nothing else was really a priority, including my friends or even really myself. All that really mattered to me was him and our relationship. And that absolutely wasn’t healthy, to make someone else my biggest priority, throwing everything, including myself, below that.

Leaving for Maryland was something that I did for me and no one else, and I’m so glad that I went. Had I not gone, Craig and I would probably still be together. But when we were breaking up, I didn’t even consider staying. I thought I was going to marry him, but I wouldn’t give up that trip. Not only did that say something about our relationship, but I’m really proud that I was able to put myself first for the first time in a long time.

                

Being there not only gave me the emotional and physical distance I needed from that ended relationship, but it also forced me to rely much more heavily on myself. And that was a really great experience to have. I’m lucky that I have friends to support and help me, but Maryland was something that I did almost entirely on my own. And that changed things. It was amazing to realize that I could do it. I had so much more confidence in myself after that trip.

                

And so, coming back was different. I was able to prioritize, for me, in a really healthy and pleasing way. I felt like this last semester I had a pretty decent balance of school, friends, and myself. I was able to do a lot more with my friends than I have in the past, but I was still focused in school, and I was able to give myself the appropriate amount of downtime.

                

Gaining that self-confidence and perspective and feeling like my life is in a really good place right now has just felt incredibly freeing and just plain good. Karen and I got into a big fight last week, and afterwards I just walked away. Not away from her per se, but from the situation. I’m not going to put effort into someone or something that won’t make the effort in return. And taking a step back from the situation, and from her, was definitely the right call for me and I’m glad that I made it. But I’m especially proud knowing that I could even make that call in the first place. Because I wouldn’t (and couldn’t) make that call at this time last year.

                

None of this is to say that my life is perfect, or that I don’t still have flaws or problems that I need to fix. But I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m really proud of all that I’ve accomplished and done in the last year, and I feel as though my life is exactly where it should be. I feel like I’m exactly where I’m meant to be, and that I’ve grown in ways that I’m proud of. And I’m very grateful, and proud, of that.

               

These are the thoughts that are on my mind tonight.  

Panicking Maybe

I'm feeling a little bit nervous because we're officially hitting the end of the summer and I feel like I've kind of lost control of my finances and I'm not sure how that happened. I keep having to make huge withdrawals for necessary things, but I'm not sure if my work this summer was enough to sustain those purchases, the car payment I have to make, and my personal discretionary fund for the next semester. And that thought is really upsetting to me. Not only am I concerned about *further* depleting my savings account, but it's really not okay that I didn't see this coming. That I wasn't as in control of my money and spending as I should have been. Or even as aware as I should have been. Plus, I thought things were okay. I miscalculated. That's also really frustrating that I didn't do the math properly.

I don't know. I need to pray about this, and I know He will help. I have plenty of money. Just not as much as I thought/hoped. And it's not okay for me to just have vague ideas of my finances anymore. When I go back to school, this is going to change. Paying actual bills and living a real-world life demands total awareness of finances. And I'm going to have that. It's just upsetting that I don't already. 

I Don't even Know how to Title This

He's written me three times. Three. It took him two weeks to fulfill that promise.

Not perfect letters, not anything particularly special, but letters nonetheless.

Like he said he would.

Like YOU said you would.

It's been a year. And it's hard to explain how you not sending me a letter is what still cuts me up about our relationship, but it's taken on so much more meaning than just a silly letter.

By not fulfilling your promise, a promise that you've renewed time and time again ("I'll write it, I promise." "It's still in the works, it's coming.") you showed me, and continue to show me, how very little my own desires were to you. It didn't really matter what I wanted if it was in contradiction to what you wanted.

And I'll never get that damn letter. Just like you'd never think about doing what I wanted if it meant exerting even the slightest effort or going even a little bit against what you wanted.

I was with you for two years and you couldn't write me a fucking letter.

He did it in two weeks. That boy that you look down upon so much, that you viciously judge and revile-- he made the same promise as you did and he came through before you.