I love her, I love her.

No matter where this is headed, she's a consistently good force in my life and I'll always be grateful for that.

I can't quite bring myself to regret everything that happened last semester. I handled my emotions and feelings fairly poorly over the last few months, but I think I needed to go off the deep end for a little bit.

I feel like I needed to know what it felt like to self-destruct. What it felt like to avoid and ignore things to the point that I reached last semester.

I'm not saying all of it was good, in fact most of it was the exact opposite. But it was the sort of bad that I needed to experience, so that I'll know what it looks like the next time I start down that path.

And in the long run, I'm glad that I knew when to stop before I caused irrevocable harm, albeit with the encouragement of Best Friend. I'm glad that period is over and that I have a better idea of what I need to do now, now that I've decided to deal with these things.

Because it was okay for a semester to drink my weight three times over in rum and wine and to fall asleep most nights in a house that wasn't mine next to someone who I never really wanted to be mine. But I'm glad that's not my forever life.

It's time to focus on what is mine, or more specifically who I am and how I want to live *my* life.

I am enough.

I Did Not Write This...

... but reading it reminded me of some people who have influenced my life. Furthermore, I adore T.S. Eliot and I am wholly willing to adopt this concept into my thinking on why we harm others.

"Half the harm that is done in this word
Is due to people who want to feel important.
They don’t mean to do harm — but the harm does not interest them.Or they do not see it, or they justify itBecause they are absorbed in the endless struggleTo think well of themselves."
By T.S. Eliot. 

For me.

But also. For the girl who describes me to people as, "she's going to save people's lives through books."

It's okay that I'm sad. That I'll miss the comfort he brings. At least I'm acknowledging and confronting the underlying sadness now, instead of burying it under the covers with him or trying to drink away.

The point is that she's worth it. I truly believe that. Which means I have to start acting like I do.

I'm really sad. And three months too late, I'm going to have the courage to confront it.

Enough

I don't know when things stopped being enough for me. When I started always wanting more. More of EVERYTHING, in the worst way. The girl who is quite possibly the love of my life loves me enough not to kiss someone at midnight for two fucking years in a row because I wasn't with her, and for some reason that display of love isn't enough. I'm still here, looking for other sources of affection. Not to mention that I never seem to be okay with who I am and what I'm doing. That I oftentimes feel dissatisfied or unfulfilled.

So that's my resolution for 2014. What I have, who I am, is enough.

I am enough. Time to start believing that.