Myself Obsessing. Again.

You really don't have to read this Best Friend.

You know what? EVERYONE says I shouldn't freak out about this as much as I do. EVERYONE says it's not a big deal.

It is to me.

Four fucking years.

Do you know who rephrases other people's tweets as their own? Crazy people.

Do you know who writes responses to other people's personal blog posts? Crazy people.

And do you know who looks at everything I post online and tries to copy it however she can without giving me any credit? A crazy person.

And she won't own up to any of it. That is what upsets me the most. SHE WON'T ADMIT WHAT SHE IS DOING. And she keeps doing it.

She can't be me! It literally makes me sick to think how hard she tries to be.

And I KNOW it shouldn't be a *thing,* I KNOW it's just "pins" or tweets or whatever. Hell the pins aren't even really *mine.*

But I'm sorry. I can't just let it go, I can't pretend that it doesn't exist.

Because for four fucking years and for the foreseeable future, there is someone who does not allow me to be myself without trying to take that part of me for her own.

Remember when he hugged me and then rubbed my back with such a heavy hand that everyone knew he didn't want to stop touching me?

Sometimes, on days like this, when I'm feeling sick and gross and sad, I just want to go home. It makes me so jealous to see posts of everyone who is at home.

I just want to drink coffee from MY Starbucks and eat sushi from MY restaurant. 

Sometimes, I get irritated when people I vaguely despise don't like me for unfathomable reasons. Like, it really bothers me that this girl has decided to hate me, even though she's sort of a terrible human being.

I mean, she seriously tried to justify one of her high school teachers asking out a student the minute said student graduated. And a few days ago, she wanted to leave one of our friends behind for lunch because the girl was precisely one minute late. 

Why the fuck do I care what she thinks?

Weirdness.

Part of me is really glad that I'm only here for a semester and part of me is sad that I'm not staying for a year. It's hard to get too attached to things out here because I know it's temporary. Everything I do, every person I meet, and every experience I have is through the perspective of someone who is keenly aware she is leaving in three months.

I almost wish that I was able to put down roots here, to be able to sigh and say "this is my new home" without the addendum "for three months only."

But at the same time, I am almost desperate to get home. My life is back there, whether I like it or not. I miss my family and my friends.

So, as per usual, I am torn between two perspectives.

A Confession

Sometimes, at my lowest moments; late at night, when I'm feeling down, when I need some comfort, I think of texting you.

Hey. 

My hands clutch my phone. My eyes stare at the screen. I am always *this* close.

And I never do write that message. 

I can't.

I just can't make myself do it. 

And it's not because Best Friend would yell at me. And it's not because I'm embarrassed of missing you, of thinking of you. 

It just isn't worth it. 

I wish you were. I'll probably always wish that. 

But it will definitely never be true. You will never be worth it. 

I love knowing those little things that Best Friend does that means she misses me. Thanks for being my best friend, Best Friend. Thanks for putting up with all my crazy.

Trying to remember what you look like and that special smile that was all mine
and coming up empty

but remembering that little scar on your chin that I used to rub absentmindedly while I looked into your eyes
and remembering the feeling of your dimples as I held your face and your smile and you in my hands

To the Four Year Old

Sweetest boy,

You will never know how special you are to me. Thank you for your funny comments, baby snuggles, and lots of fun.

I wish I was with you today. My heart is sad that I can't see you on this day for the first time in your life.

But I think of you, today and every day. You are the family member I never expected to have and the one whom I treasure the most.

I love you, little guy. I hope you don't mind that I'll always call you "baby boy."

Love and dinosaur kisses,
Biggest Sister

I will always be there for you, however I can. 

Me Again.

Didn't expect me so soon, did you? I still have things to say, but they would have ruined the flow of that last piece, so here I am again! Hope you aren't sick of me yet.

Hi! Again again.

Thank you.

I'm here. Mostly on my own. But totally not alone.

Thank you for your prayers, all of you. He is so good.

My personal prayer has been helping me in unimaginable ways and I feel the presence of those who pray for me. I am so so grateful.

He knows what He's doing. I am trying really hard to trust that. Because He has not steered me wrong yet, and He never will.

But thank you, dear friends of mine. It helps.

Me.

Time for an update.

Hi! Again. Guess what. Two weeks later. Things are better.

They are not perfect, they are not brilliant, but they are better.

My two closest friends here are wonderful. One of them, whom we'll call Oregon, is amazing. She is truly understanding and helpful. She is also incredibly outgoing, which helps a lot. There is no time for sitting around when Oregon is around, and that's what I need right now.

Classes are good. They are time consuming and they take my mind off of the ex-boyfriend. Which I really need right now.

Today, I went to my favorite city with my new friends. They had their boyfriends with them. I was just me.

And it was hard. Slightly melancholic. But on my way home (alone) I reflected on what Best Friend told me last week:

"The only difference between being in a relationship and being single is the presence of that person in your life."

That has totally changed my perspective on things. Yes, I miss him. So much. But I am still me without him. Me who is funny, loves television, reads too much, takes hard classes, loves her friends. Me who is pretty okay.

And even though it was just me today, and even though that was difficult, I could still do it. I did do it. And I enjoyed myself, all by myself.

Me. Me, who is getting through this.

I've always said that I believe it's important that a person learns how to do things on his/her own. And now it's (finally) time for me to live my own philosophy.